I Wonder If I Argue Too Much…

Sometimes I take a minute to sit back and reflect over what I do, whether it’s the direction my life is going in, or the way I handled a situation.

Recently, I’ve started thinking about my part in online discussions or arguments. In the past, I was the child who never spoke out. It was so bad, I would even have my younger sister go to the counter of a restaurant to get something they forgot to give me (even something as small as ketchup!).

When I first became (seriously) Christian, it was the same way. I was too scared that I didn’t know enough to speak out, or that I would be ridiculed because of information I didn’t have the answer to.

When I became vegan, it was the same thing. I didn’t feel I knew enough to speak out because I wasn’t the most “educated” or didn’t know “all the right answers”.

But as I continued to watch everyone else, I realized that you will never know everything. And besides, the best argument you have is your personal testimony, no matter whether it’s veganism, Christianity, or anything else. Nobody can argue what you’ve experienced. They can only argue facts and somehow even opinions (though I think everyone should be allowed an opinion).

The very first argument I ever felt brave enough to enter was between an atheist and a Christian. I couldn’t stand the picture of Christianity that the Christians were displaying that I felt compelled to go in and clear up the awful view. No, I was not trying to convert the atheist, I simply was explaining things she clearly had questions about and had been given a bad taste and picture of previously. By the end of the hour+ long conversation, she actually thanked me, and though she said she would not be considering becoming Christian at the time, she thanked me for being so understanding and being patient with my answers while explaining things in a different light than she had previously been shown.

To me, that should be the point of an argument or discussion. It shouldn’t be to fight or to prove one side better than the other. Of course I believe Christianity is the way, but I’m not going to force it down other peoples’ throats. God gave me my freedom of choice, so who am I to take it away from others? I can only present information and leave it up to them.

The next argument I ever went in on was not the same way. In fact, I got told to go take a nap along with being called many names. My whole point in that argument was that you can love people without supporting their actions. For example, you can love your child without supporting their drug use. You can support them for the good things, show them outwardly love, and even include them in normal things. But when an action they are doing goes against your beliefs or causes harm to either them or others, you don’t have to support that action. In no way does that mean you stop loving that person. But the group, or at least some people in that group, couldn’t accept that. I don’t know if I didn’t explain myself well enough, but I was in that conversation for several hours. It came to the point that I understood Christians were not going to be supported in that vegan group, and I respectfully excused myself from the group.

I don’t intervene in everything I see on the internet that I disagree with, but when it comes to things that harm others, when it comes to peoples’ health, or when it comes to slandering Christians, I try to go in and paint a different picture. Some people are accepting, some people will never be kind no matter what you say. I’ve been called a heap of names and been criticized against sometimes it seems like anything I say. Even when I’m remaining as polite as I can and stating again and again that nobody has to believe the same as I do, and that I will respect what they believe just as I would expect them to respect what I believe. It is possible to live in harmony without believing the same things (just look at the conversation with the atheist and I). But for some reason, I’m finding more and more people who cannot leave it that way.

I had a fellow Christian follow one of these conversations and eventually tell me that I should just end my conversation because the others (the main of which was apparently Hindu) was just going to keep coming up with every slandering thing and continue saying the worst possible portraits of Christianity they could. I just found it so sad. Sad that first of all, someone had views like that of what can be the most amazing faith. I know a lot of Christians call themselves Christian while living a very different life. Sad that also, someone who was a self-proclaimed “vegan” that is supposed to be filled with so much love could be so hateful towards Christians who honestly had done nothing wrong in this conversation but speak of the original diet in the Garden of Eden (vegan diet!). But as the other Christian woman suggested, I quit responding, despite the fact I continued to get blamed for things and called names in further comments.

I think about that conversation, and I continue to think of how I could have done it differently, what I might have done wrong. But the thing is, in every comment, I approached it in a very much “my experience was…” manner. I didn’t say that her beliefs were wrong, and I never discriminated against her, even telling her that I would continue to respect her and her choices. I don’t really want to continue the conversation, and I won’t, even though it’s hard to know that my name has been continued on in the conversation very negatively. I just don’t get it.

It makes me think… is there a point to me joining in these conversations? Is there a point when I’m just going to be downgraded and slandered by so many people? But then I also think of the vegan community who promotes standing up for those who are voiceless. I do think if you’re passionate about something, you shouldn’t just remain quiet about it, whether through actions or words. So do I just hold back my passion now that I finally feel brave to stand up for people? I mean, Christians in some of these groups literally get POUNDED into the ground by others, called every name in the book, their faith literally ridiculed up and down. I guess I feel like just by saying something (though again, not in a forceful way, often in a soft, from experience type of way) that they at least know someone is in their corner with them. I’m not afraid of being Christian. I’m not afraid of being vegan. I’m not ashamed of the things I believe. So if I get called names, it really doesn’t bother me. I don’t get as “heated” about these things as clearly others do. Temper control is not an issue for me in these conversations and part of me wonders if that’s what makes some people so mad. I don’t swear, I don’t believe in calling people names, I’m not that kind of person.

I don’t know… is it worth it or is it not? I guess I have just come to a place in my life where I’m content… maybe even more than content. For non-Christians, I know they won’t understand this, but for Christians who have experienced God saving their lives, they will know what I’m talking about. I can honestly say I’m filled with the joy of the LORD which makes everything surmountable. Months when we have less income, I don’t freak out anymore, because when I had no idea how we were going to survive before, God provided the money. I’ve totalled 2 cars, one that I in no way should have walked away from, but God protected me. I used to be so scared to face my mistakes and of punishments I may receive, but through God I know I have the strength to face whatever comes my way. I use to be so OCD about making sure everything was a certain way, but now I’m ok if things change. Even at work, when a wrench gets thrown in my plans, I don’t care. I’ve learned that nothing can be set in stone, but whatever may happen, God always provides. There is honestly little that upsets me. And why wouldn’t I want others to know that same feeling? Can you imagine a world where there was no stress, no worry, no panic? Can you imagine how much happier everyone would be? Can you imagine the amount of stress-induced illnesses that could be prevented? How can people not want a life like that?

Again, I’m not trying to force my lifestyle and faith down peoples’ throats. I always approach it in a way that I can share my experience and they can make their own choices past that. If that’s so wrong, then I don’t know how any conversation can take place. So I don’t know… what do you guys think? Is it worth the interjection in hopes that two fighting groups can maybe be a little more understanding and live in harmony? Or is it just a waste of energy? Maybe I try to play the “peacemaker” a little too much… I don’t know. Tell me what you think in the comments below.

Coconut Oil and Eyes: The Follow-Up

Recently, I had an experience that really freaked me out. I had just gotten ready to leave the house and meet someone, and both of my eyes were going seriously blurry! I know I’ve had slight eye problems in the past, but this was almost like something was coating my eyes. I rubbed them way too much trying to get rid of it. It would go away, but then as soon as I looked down and back up, it would be back. It did go away eventually, but it made the thought of driving scary for awhile.

Naturally, I panicked over this. I couldn’t believe I was going to have some eye disease or condition. But then I got this brilliant idea to see if coconut oil must have had something to do with it. So I began researching, and lo and behold, I found my answer. Let me tell you guys, as scary as my experience was, coconut oil is SO good for your eyes!

So here’s the deal. I was being a little lazy, and not cleaning my mascara off at night. This led to me cleaning it with my homemade coconut oil eye makeup remover in the morning. Mixed with warm water, it is absolutely possible to get a little bit of the coconut oil in my eyes. Guys, coconut oil DOES NOT hurt or sting when it gets in your eyes. You’d probably never even know.

So what I researched is that coconut oil will coat your eyes. It is advised to use coconut oil at night (aka not be so lazy) because it will just prepare itself as one of those corner-of-your-eyes sleepy things in the morning, easily removed and your eyes won’t be blurry. This is a simple enough fix.

As I continued to research, I actually found out that coconut oil was a lot better than I thought for you! This is a summary of the most extreme testimony I found.

A poor woman had a bacteria/parasite infestation. For her body, she was put on some drugs from her doctor. She was also using drops for her eyes but they weren’t giving her good results. So she talked to someone who mentioned using coconut oil drops. She did this, and every morning, the same parasite eggs that the prescribed drugs were pushing through her skin were also in the corner of her eyes in the morning, ready to be wiped away. The coconut oil was actually cleaning her eyes when over-the-counter drops were not working. How awesome is that?

I always prefer natural products, things that have no chemicals, no additives that I don’t want on my body, and natural things that are brought from the earth. If you haven’t tried the coconut oil yet, definitely give it a try! Just remember to use it at night, and not in the morning to avoid blurry eyes!

When Your Spouse Is Your Manager/Business Partner

I hate to admit this, but today, my husband and I had a run-in. I’m not proud of it, I’m not proud of the way I acted, and it definitely was a huge series of miscommunications. But I’m sharing this for anyone else out there who may struggle with the same thing.

Now, my husband is not my manager nor my business partner. He’s really more of my personal trainer. But the aforementioned names popped up from a tv series I sometimes watch called, “The Divas”. If you haven’t seen it before, the “Divas” are the females of the WWE. The show more or less follows their lives, no different than the Kardashians or some other show. Anyways, one of the “Divas”, Eva Marie, has her husband as her manager, which seems to work well most of the time. However, in one episode, she was struggling with something, and she yelled at her husband saying that sometimes he just needs to be her husband and not always her manager.

Now, imagine the struggle. Their lives are literally personal and work intertwined all the time. There is definitely a need to draw the line of when it is appropriate to be a husband, and when it is appropriate to be a manager. Work does take up a majority of people’s lives, but it’s important to just be with each other and forget work for awhile.

Thankfully, my husband is only my personal trainer at the gym. And quite honestly, though we’ve struggled training together in the past, I’ve really enjoyed training with him the past week and a bit. I will admit, I complain every once in awhile about too many sets or reps, or exercises that I absolutely hate, but overall, it’s been good. I’ve actually had fun with him and he’s done so well at learning to ignore my complaints because that just tells me I need to do it regardless of what I think. It works for me. I need that tough attitude in the gym sometimes.

However, today was a different story. I put in a HARD leg workout on Monday. We then stupidly worked out after midnight last night doing chest, and I was a little upset that he made me change my grip and I know my chest didn’t get the same stretch that it usually does, plus my shoulders were more tired today from the odd grip. So let’s just say we went to bed around 2 in the morning.

We were back in the gym by 11 this morning. I was tired, not feeling 100%, and my legs are so sore. We get to the gym, and the first thing he tells me to do is more squats. I was a little ticked because he knows my legs are killing me already. But I didn’t throw that much of a fuss (ok, a small one), and stormed off and did them. I actually was thankful for doing them by the end, not that I wasn’t a stupid kind of sore, but my form felt better than it has in awhile for some reason. So it actually was ok.

After squats, we began the back workout, except he started me right off with one set of deadlifts with the heaviest weight I could. Now mix tiredness with soreness with already knowing my body is not in tip top ability shape. Had I done 1 or 2 more reps than I did, I’m pretty sure my back would be seriously injured. That just set me off. And for some reason, instead of ignoring me today, my husband wanted me to tell him what was wrong. So I told him about the squats and then thanked him, but then told him about the deadlifts and how I should have built up rather than going to my heaviest right away, and then told him how back day was too close to leg day because I could tell it was affecting my workout. This did not go over well, and I was more than visibly upset for the rest of the time in the gym.

Towards the end of our workout, when I was doing my bicep exercises, my husband came over and apologized to me. I still was in a bad mood though because by this point, not only was I feeling everything else I mentioned, my back was a little tender, my rib problems were annoying me, my wrists were cracking, my forearms were sore, and I literally felt like I had nothing left to give in the gym; I was honestly on “zombie” mode. My brain had shut out a long time ago. My body was just going on its own. My form suffered, I had to lift lighter, and when I finally was doing my last set of barbell curls, I only made it to 7 reps at a lower weight range than normal, ended up dropping the barbell and ran to sit down to hide my face to stop myself from crying. I literally had nothing left to give. My body was done.

Now, my husband didn’t know I was on the verge of crying; he just knew I was ignoring him, wouldn’t look at him, and he left to go to the car. I couldn’t say anything. I didn’t want to cry at the gym.

There are so many things that went wrong in this story. There are miscommunications, there was the fact that bringing up things at the gym is one thing my husband asked me not to do because it’s his stress-free place, and I definitely and visibly did not make it stress free today. There’s also the fact that of any day, I wish my husband would have been more of my husband today and realized that it’s been awhile since I’ve been at the gym, and my body is not up to the recovery level it used to be. Just so many things gone wrong…

The thing is, we came home, we talked it out, and everything is ok again. My mood was just too toxic to have a healthy conversation at the gym. I needed to replenish some of the energy stores in my exhausted body, and he needed to cool down from the attitudes he received from me. We’re ok. It’s just learning the fine line of what we each expect, what we want, and how to know when to be that personal trainer, manager, or business partner, and when to be the more sensitive husband. I will admit, it’s not the easiest, especially when I ask him to not give in to me at the gym. Today was just a different story.

So ladies and gentlemen, remember that even if you do ever get into some type of work-related situation with your spouse, make sure you know when to be that loving spouse, or when to act in a business way. It’s important and necessary to keep your relationship functioning in a healthy way.

Sometimes It’s Good To Take A Trip Down Memory Lane

I have this box that I keep cards in. These are cards that I’ve received from Christmas, from birthdays, from students, from my wedding, from my engagement, etc… There are so many cards in there. I actually was beginning to wonder if I should throw some of them out. But since I’m me, and I always do things thoroughly, I took them out one-by-one to read through them.

I couldn’t throw any of them out. Those cards are filled with so many memories.

There are cards from past students who reminded me what an amazing teacher I was, and that they were sad I had to leave. There were even cards of apologies for things they knew they had done but wanted to do better. The cards asked me not to forget the students who created them. How could I?

There are cards from big moments in my life and memories of the people I shared it with. Well wishes, and in-depth personal moments of advice from these big moments, celebrations with close family and friends, and large milestones marked in history with people I loved around me. I can’t forget those.

There are cards that wanted to make me cry because they are from people who I will no longer have the opportunity to receive anything from again. My step sister who sent a few cards over the years, but whose last signature I have from the Christmas before she took her life. And my step great grandmother whose last signature I will bear from my wedding. I couldn’t even stand to think of getting rid of those because those are the little pieces of them that I have left.

I have meaningful cards from people who are no longer a part of my life. Some due to unfortunate situations, and some due to the stupid fact that all adults warn you about: After school, people separate. You spend so many years of your life building relationships with people day in and day out, and yet when the responsibility of adulthood calls you to different places, those relationships often begin to dissipate. Sometimes being an adult isn’t all it’s kicked up to be.

These cards represent major parts of my life, people who have been cheering for me all along, and people who have cheered with me at least part of the way. I can’t give up this stuff. I needed that trip through Memory Lane, and I recommend one for you too. It will make you smile, it will make you laugh, it may even make you cry. But the one big thing it does well is to remind you of where you came from and who was there with you along the way. Those memories are something nobody can take from you; they are yours to keep.

As always, hold your loved ones tightly and never let them go. Life is simply too short, so make sure you let the people who matter to you most know that they are loved.

Why the Name “Christian” Can Cause Such Anger

I’ve delayed in writing this blog post. The past few days have been a whirlwind for me. Not because I’m cleaning up my classroom, preparing for a new grade, but because the world has changed ever so quickly, and I needed to make sure my own emotions were not mixing and leading my thoughts but that rather my beliefs were the driving force behind my words.

When I decided I wanted to turn vegan, I thought what better place to learn than to join vegan groups on Facebook where people are continuously discussing ways of doing things better and on improving lifestyles. What better place would you get a mix of people who are starting out in their vegan adventure, as well as though who are tried and true veterans to the lifestyle. I did enjoy these facts, but I wasn’t prepared for what was coming.

As many of you know (and if you didn’t, I don’t know how you could have missed it), but the states have just legalized same sex marriage. To some people it’s no surprise, to some people it’s a reason to lash out, and to some people it’s a reason to celebrate. I was prepared for those reactions. What I wasn’t prepared for was the anger backing people’s responses. And it took a few days for me to truly understand what was going on.

Unfortunately, one of my vegan groups posted about this legalization and stated that you will never find a “homophobe vegan”. A man simply stated (though not in words I would have used) that he was not a “phobe” by the meaning of the word “phobia” as in being scared. He simply was using Biblical pieces to back-up the point that he did not support the movement. The backlash he received was incredible. And as I noticed he was the only one defending his beliefs, I decided to try and approach the conversation in a loving but understanding way. You see, I’ve noticed people are very quick to criticize Christian beliefs as being old and not modern day. But I knew that this is often because Christians have made a bad name for themselves.

I once saw a conversation where Christians were attacking an atheist. I could see where her comments and attacks were coming from. I couldn’t stand Christians reacting in this kind of way so I entered the conversation as well and simply responded to her questions and comments in a loving, non-judgemental way. It took quite awhile, but believe it or not, she thanked me for talking to her the way I did and explaining things the way I had. Of course she assured me she wouldn’t become Christian anytime soon, but that wasn’t the point of my discussion. The basis of my discussion was love.

So I figured that maybe if love was presented the right way in this vegan conversation, then maybe the hatred I was seeing would dissipate and the group could go back to the original purpose of becoming vegan and standing for animal rights. However, I’m sad to say it did not work that way. No matter how many times I reassured that none of the Christians in the conversation weren’t hating them nor judging them (all 2 of us), they served critique after critique back. No matter how many times I assured them that Christians should be focused on loving and loving all people, hate was served back. No matter how much love I tried to show about loving people but not supporting decisions they make, I was not supported. I even told them that the God of the world, Himself, has given us the power to choose what we do, regardless if we choose sin or not, and thus everyone in the world should have the power to choose what they want without anybody telling them otherwise, I was still considered judgemental. I brought up how I have a great uncle who has been a married gay my whole life and how I love him dearly and will never treat him otherwise, but that I do not support his lifestyle, I was still considered a “homophobe”. I was called a jerk, ingenious, told to take a nap, told I have mental sickness, that somehow someone loved me but in the same sentence told me everything I am is a sin, that God was going to send me to hell to burn for eternity, etc. And I was reminded again and again how listening to a 2000 year old book is so wrong.

I was not prepared for the hardness of hearts I was presented with. This is why I did not write this blog when I first thought of it. In fact, it’s been sitting as a tab for the past however many days since the law was passed. I’ve changed the name 3 times. I needed time to sort through what was going on, and to make sure my emotions were in check. And now I think I’m ready to help explain where I think things have gone wrong.

There happens to be a girl many years younger than I who was feeling the same way I was – being attacked by so many people, being pushed with no rest, exhausted from having to defend herself. The message came clearly in her Facebook post and the response from someone questioning the selection of beliefs, specifically pertaining to the lack of support on the same sex marriage issue.

I really thought about it before I posted this time, and I provided a very prominent issue among different Christians about the “clean” and “unclean” foods. I stated it as the fact that many Christians don’t support eating pork. Some claim that because it is an Old Testament law, that we no longer have to follow that distinction. Although many Christians disagree on this issue, we don’t hate our own family members just because they eat differently than ourselves. The best way to influence anyone in a positive way is through a loving manner. I also added that I grew up as a hunter’s daughter. When I turned vegetarian, my grandfather was convinced I would die. In fact, for the almost 10 years I was vegetarian, the very first question he would ask me is if I was healthy and had gone back to eating meat yet. The amount he would try to sneak meat onto my plate was crazy. He did not support my eating habits whatsoever. But he never stopped loving me. In fact, I can’t recall a day in my life where I did not feel loved by my grandfather, and that’s the way it should be.

To go a little further than that, she said she was going to put it bluntly and ask how same sex relationships is one law we believe from the Old Testament, but there were a host of others such as wearing jewelry, having tattoos, and premarital sex were things most Christians don’t follow anymore, yet we can choose to not stand for the same sex marriage issue.

This is where it truly sank in. The reason I believe that most people are so angry with Christians and our beliefs is because we have compromised on so much! Seriously, look around at your churches. I know for a fact that people drink, do drugs, party, have non-marrital sex with people regardless of being married or not, have problems with pornography, steal, cheat people out of money, etc, etc… There are people in almost every church who are the kings and queens of gossip. Churches are seen as judgemental because they’ve become that way. What have we done to ourselves?

Now, I’m not saying that all churches or even all people are this way. I do believe we have the sweetest, loving Christians still on this earth, and unfortunately that’s something we desperately need more of. But when Christians in themselves are out in the world claiming to be Christian and yet are caught in such horrible acts, what else is the world to think of us? Can you really blame people for hosting anger when they grew up in a church but like my sister, left because people were judging the clothing she wore? Do you really think that made her feel at home rather than winning her over with love? Personally, I’m ashamed at some of the things we’ve done to people. We should be opening our doors and welcoming, not just greeting, but truly welcoming people into our midst with the goal of letting love take over. When Jesus saved the prostitute, or sat with the tax collectors, you don’t see Him attacking them. He loved them and that’s what created the difference. Why can’t we do the same?

Of course I’m not saying we should kick out all of the people who are having problems either. What better place to receive help with healing than a church family, as long as we are being just that – a loving and supportive family.

Now, I know my beliefs may differ from yours, and that’s ok. Like I said, I have no judgement. The Bible, unfortunately, is not the most easily understood book at times, and some is left to our interpretation though hopefully somewhat unfolded with divine help (always pray before reading the Bible!). So yes, topics like jewelry and tattoos are a little more difficult to defend for some. However, I know the Bible clearly points out that our bodies are the living temples for the Holy Spirit, and we are to take care of them to the best of our abilities. Putting needles unnecessarily into my body, causing a stain that God did not put there in the first place that is ridiculous to remove, and putting holes all over my body does not seem like preserving the “holy temple” as God stated it. To me, that is clear enough definition as to why those are not the best idea. Jewelry that does not require holes (such as necklaces, rings, and bracelets) are a little more in the grey area. However, if you look at history, you will see that only the rich, and those who placed themselves above others wore jewelry. So at the time, it made total sense that jewelry was a way to separate the classes of people, and as far as I’ve read in my Bible, God doesn’t view us that way, nor does He want us to develop an attitude of being better than others. So to me, that makes sense. When it comes to premarital sex, it’s a no-brainer to me. You don’t need a Bible to tell you it’s not the best idea. Look up science reports and the reactions in the brain with sex. Look up psychology reports. The more sex you have before marriage, the less you are bringing to your marriage. Imagine if everything was brand new coming into your marriage. No past relationships to discuss, no past comparisons to make, nothing bad to bring into your forever relationship. I think in a way, we’ve lost sight of how sacred and special marriage was supposed to be. It was a union, a joining of two people. And in Mark 10:9, it states clearly, “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.” We say vows, vows that are actually supposed to mean something. God blessed the union between husband and wife and specifically said that NO MAN (that means nobody on this earth) should be able to separate that union. I don’t know about you, but there are an awful lot of divorces going on. A lot of “man” separating what God told us not to. And that’s in the New Testament, not even the old.

Again, I hope you are not taking offence to this. I am the product of a divorced family who married other divorced people. Divorce is around me, and although I love my family more dearly than anything, I will fight with all I have to preserve my marriage union because I believe that is what is right. (I may continue this conversation at another time. It’s a whole separate Bible study.)

So those are my thoughts. I’m not sure if Christians will ever recover. If we’re going to stand for our beliefs, we need to learn not to compromise. No, it’s not easy being criticized. If anything, becoming vegan has opened my eyes to a whole new way of being criticized (not enough protein, not losing weight fast enough, not going to be healthy, etc…). But if you truly believe in something and seek to receive the rewards at the end, then you need to stand for whatever it is. But remember to stand in a loving way. Hate is fuel to the fire, but love (usually) softens the hardest of hearts. So speak to and treat each other in love, regardless of what a person chooses, but stay strong to yourself and don’t compromise on the beliefs you hold. Nobody in this world has the right to force their beliefs on people. But rather, keep an open ear and seek to find the Truth, and once you have the Truth, hold on to it. As humans, we are master justifiers, master liars, and master convincers. Don’t let someone talk you out of being yourself and believing what you’ve sought to be true.

For another pastor’s perspective, I found this to be a good, well-written, loving read with Biblical back-up.
http://todaychristian.net/a-detailed-explanation-of-why-christians-dont-accept-gay-marriage/

The Great 2015 Return

Hello everyone.

I’d like to personally thank everyone that has not given up on my page even though I have been M.I.A. for the past (almost) month.

I’ve finished my challenge (I’ll post about it later), and didn’t win. But by the end of the challenge, my motivation was not to win, but simply to defeat my bad relationship with food, to build strength, to learn to love who I am, and to feel good both physically and mentally. I can proudly say I succeeded in those things. So was the challenge really a waste? Absolutely not.

I then finished the school year, was depressed that I wouldn’t be with my students for 2 weeks (yeah, I know… I’m the teacher that calls my students my kids), went to New Brunswick for 2 weeks to visit my family, had an awesome time while I was there, and came back to a computer that needed to be fixed.

It was a teacher’s nightmare. The older Mac versions no longer would support our grading system, meaning I had no access to my grades, no access to report card comments (due at the end of this month), no access to what assignments my students are missing or anything. Everything was unaccessible. AHHH!

Thankfully, we have some highly educated tech teachers at our school that took my computer, wiped it clean, installed the updates, and gave it back. The problem with that was that it took 4 days. My cord was also falling apart (older computer) and so he took that to repair it as well. That took almost a week to get back.

Even now, that I have my computer back, it has twice shown me signs (in two days) that my whole hardware may be crashing. Not a good sign. However, I have everything backed up, and the principal has been warned that I may need a new one. It definitely would be nice to have a new computer, but inconvenient at report card time. Pray for me!

So long story short, I’ve been without a computer for a very long time. But I’m back! So here’s to more posts in a new year.

Talk again soon!

Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go The Way You Think

It’s without a doubt you’ve had some experience with this. It could be that everything seems to be going great one minute and then falls apart the next. It could be that everything is aligned to go a certain way and still it derails before your very eyes. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure you’ve experienced something like this at least once in your life.

Tonight I had one of these experiences and unfortunately I’m not up to sharing it right now. But it blind – sided me; totally took me by surprise.  It literally broke my heart and sent me into a downward spiral. And incase you’re wondering, no my husband and I are not getting a divorce. I wouldn’t have the strength to write you if that was the case. But this event that happened tonight reminded me that no matter what, I can’t live this life on my own. I have to be in close contact, holding the hand of my heavenly father every step of the way. I get blind – sided,  but He doesn’t.  I fall down and break apart but He doesn’t.  I sometimes feel like giving up on everything,  not seeing the point in anything. But God never gives up. And He sees the point in everything.  And therefore, I am reminded that I need Him daily, hourly, and each second.

I had a friend talk to me for the first time in a few weeks and she asked how I’ve been. So I updated her on the events of only the last week. Her question that followed was the same I get from many people,  “Is your life ever boring?”. It’s so true! I don’t have a chance to be bored. My life is either actively going in the right direction or I’m left scrambling to pick my life back up and put the pieces together enough to function again. I don’t get a break. It NEVER ends.

The more I sat and thought of this, the more I was reminded of things people have told me and things that I believe.

#1: God has me in my life for a reason and as much as I may not like it, it’s because He knows I’m the one who will somehow battle through it and develop the strength from previous events to tackle the increasing grandeur of future events. I seriously look over my past, the fears, the unknowns, and through God’s grace, I made it through stronger than before. But shortly after comes an event of larger size that once again breaks me down until through God’s grace once again, I build greater endurance and strength to overcome again. I mean I’m only in my early twenties,  and through the small amount of stories I share with my students at school, I have parents that have come to tell me I’ve been through more things that most people twice my age. I’m always scared of sounding like a know – it – all because I’ve moved so much, travelled some, been through extensive amounts of situations I can give info on so many different things. Students often come to my classroom to talk or to get advice because they know I’ve got something.  And maybe that’s part of the purpose, so that I can counsel others.  But it’s still an excruciatingly painful process with many scars that unfortunately get carried along.

#2: The devil attacks those He’s afraid of. Quite often, I’ve been reminded that the devil doesn’t waste his time on those who already deny God. His goal is to get us as far away FROM God as possible,  so he would only spend his time attacking those who try to regain for Christ’s kingdom, those who love God and try to follow Him the best they can. I’ve been told that when life is going seamlessly great, you have to question why the devil is not after you.  Again, not great news, because it basically guarantees life is going to be rough. But at the same time, God never guaranteed an easy life. He simply promised that those who endure on Earth will be rewarded in Heaven.  He promised that whenever we asked, He would help us. And that’s how we get through the worst parts of life, with God carrying us part of the way.

Tonight has not been the easiest night, but I know that God is here with me and is holding His hand over my heart, whispering that everything will be ok because He has this whole world in His hands. And I will cling to His embrace knowing that He is the reason I’m here and the reason I continue to survive through each thing I encounter. God is literally my all.

Week 10 Day 2: You Are Capable Of More Than You Realize

Well, this morning was nothing short of a little rushed. My car has not been looked at yet, so my husband had to drop me off at work on his way. This was not a big problem, except he underestimated how much I have to get done in the morning. It was truly my fault we weren’t out the door sooner because I didn’t sleep last night. Honestly, this teaching thing has a way of consuming you. I need to get a grip on this thing!

School went fairly well, but I did notice my shoulders were very tired/sore. I was simply lifting papers out of the huge stack I had graded, and handing them back to the students. They must have gotten a good back workout yesterday (shoulders must have taken a brunt of it).

My students were fairly good today, though they did seem a little more active than normal. Then again, we did a practice for our language arts PAT today (2+ hours of writing), so I guess I can expect the pent-up energy.

After work, I had to wait for my husband to come pick me up, which was totally fine because I was able to get some more things done at work, and when he finally came, I absolutely refused to take work home with me tonight. After taking over my life so much, I needed a night off. This was a phenomenal feeling.

At home, my husband straight-up told me that I had to take a nap before the gym. I chose not to argue, and simply told him I need to eat first, because in the rush of the morning, I had not packed food, and therefore was only able to eat the organic and natural carrot/curry/coconut soup that was in my fridge, as well as two containers of Greek yogurt. I was not running on anything much for fuel.

Strangely enough, this is where it hit me: I was craving healthy food! In fact, with all of the things in our house, I wanted fruit, cottage cheese, and pumpkin spice Nuts n’ More peanut butter. Seriously! I was in love and so happy this is what my body was craving.

My nap turned into a 4-hour sleep. And I felt awful when I woke up. My body ached so badly, my limbs barely functioning to move, and my eyes could barely stay open. But this is when my body hit autopilot, and somehow, I changed my clothes and made it downstairs.

On the way to the gym, I did something I never do, nor do I usually advise doing. I had my usual iced coffee, but also a doughnut. I researched ahead of time, and picked a doughnut that was lower in fat, and mediocre in carbs. The reason for my decision was the simple fact that my body was in need. It needed a carb that would energize me quickly (gym was only 2 minutes away). The truth is, I didn’t even want a doughnut. I try to avoid a lot of sugar like that. I wanted to stop eating it after two bites, but I knew it would help. So yes, I ate a doughnut.

We got to the gym, and I expected to feel worse than yesterday; the mental battle, the lack of ability, but I was totally wrong. Tonight was legs, and I normally hate, no, despise leg workouts. But today, I loved it! I don’t know where the energy and motivation came from, but it was undeniably there. I killed my workouts, things seemed easier, I felt stronger and I was smashing my records. Here are some of the things that were different:

1. I normally struggle with 70 lbs on prone leg curls. It seemed so semi-easy tonight!
2. I was mentally thinking that 90 lbs was the weight I used for seated leg curls last time, curled it, found it easy, only to find that the most I had used was 85 lbs in the past!
3. For the first time ever, I did smith machine lunges. Wow, these killed me, but I could tell were working my legs well.
4. I normally hate barbell walking lunges, and tonight my coach wanted us to drop the back knee twice each time instead of the normal once when walking. I dreaded them before I did them, did them and LOVED them!
5. Normally, I find leg press heavy. I don’t know how else to describe it than that. I completed my regular presses with 120 lbs, thinking that was bigger than normal. But for some reason, I was in a stellar mood and decided to do another set with 180 lbs. I ALMOST got my husband to spot me, in fact I even walked over to him, but then decided I need to do this on my own. Well, let me tell you, I did it! Every single rep, and it was not as hard as I thought. So I decided to do more. And I raised it to 230 lbs. And you know what? I did it for 10 reps! Oh my goodness! I was so happy, so ecstatic. Almost double the weight I’ve been using to train, and yet I am so much more capable. I was SO happy!

And again, we went home, and what did my body crave? Cottage cheese, fruit, raw veggies, and pumpkin spice Nuts’ N More peanut butter. Honestly, what more could I ask for? I crave a healthy diet, I’m growing increasingly stronger, and I feel great. My body may not be losing the fat I want, and as a matter of fact, quite a few of my clothes seem to be fitting tighter, but when I consider the shape my body is taking, the progress I’ve made both mentally and overall personally, I’m so happy! I’m obviously going to keep my fat in check, and will be monitoring it, but this strength is such a boost in self-esteem; I’m loving it!

Week 6 Day 4

I finally got it last night on the treadmill. I finally thought up a few examples that really showed me things that were very difficult to forgive, but I have forgiven. As I reviewed my list, I realized these things hurt me more than they have ever made me angry. I narrowed my list to four things as I only wanted to summarize yesterday’s topic before presenting what I had prepared for today. My list consisted of the following: My father did not attend my high school nor my university graduations, my sister almost died due to the doctor’s mistake of putting latex elastics (of which she’s allergic to) in her mouth following jaw surgery causing her to near death, my friends burned down my family’s camp in a drunken stupor one Halloween night which contained years of memories that will never be replaced since my family was in the middle of renewing the insurance, and finally, the one that is still able to make me cry at any moment, is the fact that my grandfather died when an impatient driver went to pass a semi-truck and ran head into my grandparents’ vehicle coming in the opposite direction. Four extremely difficult situations I had to go through.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that yes, these things cause me sadness, but I don’t hold grudges against the people who were guilty. And here is what I figured out:

1. My life philosophy: Hate what the person did, but don’t hate the person. The truth of the matter is, if sin did not exist, the person would not have done what they did. God did not design us to be this way, but we all sin because of the fall in the Garden of Eden. When Jesus returns, sin will no longer exist. Therefore, just as we reflect on ourselves being sinful, hate the sin but not the person.

2. Allowing someone to suffer what we choose to be consequences for what they’ve done is a method of passing judgement. We are not the ultimate judge. Yes, Earth has judges for major sins that are here so that hopefully less sin will be created, but who are we to gossip about those who have made mistakes against us? We cannot claim to be the judge that God is, and thus should not carry out such punishments.

3. I thought of the story in John 8 where the people brought forth the prostitute expecting Jesus to agree that she should be stoned. However, Jesus responded in a way they didn’t expect, and that was that whoever had not sinned should be the first to cast a stone. Yet, nobody could because everyone had sinned. In this same way, how are we to again, punish others in such a way yet expect forgiveness for when we do something?

4. In a way, Jesus became the person you are upset at. Jesus did not just die for one person’s sins, He died for ALL of humanity’s sins. Think about that. In order to truly die on the cross for us, He had to essentially become all the bad things that we are. He became the bad in all of us. And I thought if I were to see the face of Jesus in the person I’m upset at, would I really be able to stay upset? This is a hard one to think of…

With that being said, I quickly summarized and prayed that those ideas would stick for anyone having difficulties with forgiveness. I then proceeded to continue with my topic for today.

Today’s School Spirit Week day was Tacky Day. Quite frankly, I hate this day. I don’t find “fun” in dressing tacky. But I do it to support my students. So tacky it was. When trying to think of a topic associated with dressing tacky, it quite easily came to me that the topic should be on how life can get messy. And I had a great personal story about this that I was given permission to share, and that was on my step-sister, Natalie.

Natalie was a child with a free spirit that did not easily get along with my dad. Quite understandably, it is hard for a man to come into your life that in a way seems to be taking place of your dad. I can completely relate to that. But she was encouraged by her true father to move out early. She moved out with her boyfriend at the young age of 15. She then proceeded to get involved with drugs which eventually led to many (I believe up to 15) times of being in and out of rehab. Then, the fearful happened. She became pregnant.

During her pregnancy, she seemed to come clean. She moved back in with her mom and my dad, and although there were still some arguments between my dad and her, she seemed to be doing alright. Several months later, twin boys emerged. They were premature, but healthy. I sing my praises to God that those boys were and still are healthy. So many things could have happened. But as they were now born and she fed from a bottle, it was becoming noticeable that she drank.

One Christmas break, my sister and I were at our dad’s, and our step-mom noticed she was getting an alcoholic drink. And so, my step-mom locked up the alcohol in her bedroom. What came next, none of us were prepared for. She went ballistic. She was pounding on the door, screaming that it was unfair, that they should allow her to drink, and finally that she was going to get her babies and they were going to leave. This got so out of hand that it got to the point, the almost unbearable point for my step-mom, that the babies were in danger and the police needed to be called. Keep in mind, my poor dad is running three things at the same time: apologizing and trying to lighten the mood for my sister and I, trying to console and counsel my step-mom, and keeping my step-sister and her babies in the house while keeping unwanted people out.

When the police came, they gave her the option of going upstairs to say good-bye to her babies. She fought and fought them until they eventually and literally dragged her out of the house. If only I could share with you the nightmare. I have never heard someone scream and yell like I heard her scream and yell that night. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought she was being stabbed to death. The awful things she was yelling at her mother would definitely be carried for a long time. That’s when I really knew what addictions could do.

She was released the next day, and I expected that when she called, she would at least ask how her babies were. But do you want to know the ONLY question she asked? When her mom could come get her and take her to get her Methodone shot. No joke. I was in shock. To care about a drug replacement shot to help with her previous addictions over the care of her own children.

Later, she did move out into her own apartment with her children, but by that Friday, my dad and step-mom had the boys over for a sleep-over that they would never return from. She was not using her finances for the true care of her children but rather to feed her addictions, and so learned that she could live on her own again while visiting her children as they were kept at my dad’s.

As much as I’d like to say that she got the help she needed, I can’t. I can remember a conversation we had late one night where she was telling me that the worst thing for her was realizing that she had no dreams left. She used to want to be an actress, to be all of these big things in her life. But she realized that her addictions have drained all of these hopes, all of these goals and dreams out of her, and she had nothing left. Perhaps this was one of the most painful realizations for her. Because one night, in winter, I received a phone call from my dad. His voice was shaky, and he sounded as if he was ready to cry. As much as Natalie and him fought, she was still a huge part of his life as his step-daughter. And I believe this is what made it so difficult that the police had shown up on their doorstep the night before asking them to come and confirm the identification of the body they had found under a bridge. Upon investigation, they had come to believe that she had jumped off the bridge as there was only one set of footprints in the snow that led to the railing and thus leading to the body below. What a hard thing to accept. After years and years of drug abuse, of alcohol abuse, and of accepting that you have nothing left to live for in life, I can only imagine the pain she must have been in. She knew that rehab wouldn’t help because it hadn’t in the past. She couldn’t seem to escape the relationship abuses from men, the fact that she couldn’t find the help she needed nor the inability to escape the addictions that had control over her. This was nothing short of terrible.

Of course, the following fear came that child services would take the boys away. But my dad and step-mother fought for custody of the boys and thankfully were awarded it. And to this day, they are doing the best they can while parenting as grandparents. They boys are doing so well, I’m happy to report. But one day, and my father has talked to me about this, he knows the boys will ask where their mother is, and why they don’t have one like all of the other kids. And he fears that conversation. He fears revisiting and telling them that their father has never wanted anything to do with them and that their mother was so involved with such horrible things that she couldn’t take care of them and eventually couldn’t even take care of herself. What a hard conversation to have with children. I can’t even imagine.

I asked the other teachers and staff to think about the children we have difficulties with, to think of the things we don’t know about in their home lives, the burdens they carry to school each day. Because sometimes, it only takes one family member to make life messy for everyone else. And when especially dealing with children, those background messes need to be considered.

I had to rush through this worship a little as you can probably imagine as it got a little long. But I left people crying and with deep thoughts. Because the truth is, sometimes life sucks. Life can be unfair. The devil is at work so much in our lives, trying to tear us away from our Father who loves us, and unfortunately he uses things like drugs and alcohol that have a way of hooking us and can be very difficult to get away from. Things like drugs and alcohol have a way of consuming people and making the gift of life that God has given us seem pointless. And unfortunately, I see the devil in much of Natalie’s life, laughing and smiling at her misery. And yet in the same scene, I see tears running down Jesus’ face as He watches the destruction of His daughter, the one He loves more than anything. It’s a sad scene, not an easy one to grasp and still not the easiest one to talk about. But as my father said, it’s important to use these stories to help prevent others from making the same mistakes and if this story will help someone, then it is worth talking about.

I didn’t workout today as it was a rest day, but I do hope that you reflect on this, especially if you or someone you know is suffering with addictions. Addictions are something so incredibly unfortunate and cause so much pain to everyone. Take intervention now. Pray that the God of healing, the God that has already defeated all evil in this world will help you overcome. Because there is no power greater than God’s.