I Threw in the Towel and Regretted It – Healing Journey Day 46

Journal:
This morning was rough. It actually started out good: I woke up early, finished one of the 3 papers that were due today, showered early, got ready on time, and even had enough spare time to make a smoothie for breakfast to take with me! I was so happy.

Then it began. My dog started scratching at the door which is not allowed. So I reprimanded him and went back downstairs to finish making my smoothie. I thought I was all done when no sooner had I finished dumping it from my Magic Bullet blender into my cup had I realized that half of the rubber seal was missing. I hoped that it had just broken from being old and was still intact in my smoothie somewhere, but to no avail. It was gone: disintegrated throughout my smoothie. Ugh. These were my only 3 truly ripe bananas and I don’t even have any spare frozen ones. There went the best smoothie of the day. I had to dump it out. This upset me the most. But then, I went to let my dog in only to find that somehow he unattached his lead again (it’s a chain link so I’m not even sure how he does this) which meant he had run through the muddy, dug-up garden. So I tried to contain him on the mat inside the door. However, the second I turned to grab the towel to wipe him down, he bolted and ran muddy footprints all through the kitchen, down the beige carpet on the stairs, through the hallway, and into my carpeted room. Ugh. What a morning.

You can see the half of the silicone ring that was left… There was no finding it with my knife. It was completely obliterated throughout the whole smoothie.

So after worship at work, I took a few minutes to go to the kitchen and quickly threw another smoothie together. It was simple, spinach and bananas. But I could easily taste the difference of bananas that are not as ripe as the last ones I sampled. And to top it all off, I threw out the equivalent of a banana and a half because they so badly bruised that they were literal mush. But, I had a green smoothie and that’s what day it is today. Three days of green smoothies will hopefully only improve from here.

I didn’t get another chance to make another smoothie until late in the afternoon. I was hungry and couldn’t wait to make a smoothie. I quickly went through my container of spinach, only to find out that an odd amount of moisture had somehow gotten in the container and started to make some of the spinach go bad. So I picked out all the good spinach that I could. Then I peeled the rest of my bananas, only having to throw one out. I also had a bag of peaches that I had been looking forward to. Come to find out, I had to throw out two of the peaches and the others were going bad quickly. However, I saved what I could, threw it in the blender, and blended it up. Words cannot express how terrible this smoothie tasted. Whether it was because of the deteriorating peaches, spinach I saved from the wilting ones, or the definitely unripe bananas, I can only guess they all were a factor. I honestly tried to choke it down. I mean, I discovered I hated rosemary a few days ago and still managed to choke it down. But this… this was awful. Words cannot describe. And as hard as I tried, I couldn’t do it. So there went some more money down the drain. Needless to say, I was frustrated.

So, out of frustration, I left school starving, came home, grabbed an English cucumber and the Daiya ranch dressing that I had left, and ate it down quickly. I then went to get a vegan burrito. Sure, it tasted ok. But to be honest, I would have preferred just a side of rice and beans. My taste has definitely gone more simplistic. But the way I felt while eating this burrito was not worth it. My stomach immediately felt bloated and full. I could not finish the burrito. I may eat that volume of raw foods, but definitely not of cooked foods. My body is not used to it. Ugh. This was a big mistake. If I’m going to rebel in frustration, it NEEDS to be with unplanned raw foods. Though I must confess, a burrito with beans, rice, pico de gallo and salsa is not a huge splurge. In my old days, it would have been all the junk food I could have gotten my hands on. But even so, this is not what I like my body to feel like; I’m missing the raw foods.

I came back home and began working on my sub plans for tomorrow. I’m going to a convention tomorrow and there was a lot of work that needed to be done ahead of time. I was able to get my work done, but my mind was continuing to think about how much better I felt eating raw foods. I made up my mind to be back on track tomorrow, and so that meant a very late drive to two grocery stores to try and find the most ripe bananas I could. Here’s to attempting my 3 days of green smoothies again tomorrow!

Since I didn’t go to sleep until the wee hours of the morning, I ended up grabbing what food I had around me. This included an apple cinnamon fig bar and another English cucumber with Daiya ranch and green Sriracha. What a messed up day of eating.

Tomorrow we are back on track with some mostly ripened bananas, kale and spinach. Let’s do it!

Review of Symptoms:
-Acne is better along my neck line, but worse on my cheeks.
-Digestion is so-so.
-Hair is actually doing alright. Washed with only water today.
-Energy is good.

Weight at the end of the day = 171.2 lbs (up 3.2 lbs from yesterday)

Total Calories = 2350 (68% carbs, 25% fat, 7% protein… totally blew my macros today…)

This is What Happens When You Don’t Plan… – Healing Journey Day 27

Journal:
I knew smoothies were going to take a little more effort than everything I had done so far. It would mean getting a blender to blend my fruit anytime I needed to consume one. This generally works out alright as I have a blender at work and at home. Although it worked well yesterday, today was a different story.

I started out well. I brought a large watermelon and two small watermelons to work with, as well as the last bottle of that pear juice that tasted like liquid honey. I figured if these watermelons were a little less sweet like the last ones, the pear juice would perk it up.

When I cut into the big watermelon, water literally started pouring out of it. In fact, it flooded the cupboard and then the sink. I had a funny feeling this wasn’t a good thing. I then discovered that I could squeeze the two halves of the watermelon and the water would just continue to pour out. So needless to say, I lost my big watermelon.

I then cut into one of the small ones and it seemed to hold up like normal. So without tasting it, I scooped it out, put it in the blender, and poured in some of the pear juice. Then I blended it up. If I could only describe the taste of this smoothie to you. It was literally the worst watermelon thing I have ever tasted. Even so, I managed to drink down half of the smoothie. But the other half, well, I just couldn’t do it anymore;  I ended up pouring it down the sink. It literally was like drinking grass with a slight taste of pear. It was terrible. The pear juice did not do its job. I was so sad because it even looked so pretty… but I guess it’s another example of how looks can be deceiving!

Now, normally, I would have enough time after school to make a smoothie before doing anything else, but because I am flying out first thing in the morning, I had to run home immediately after work to take my dog to the sitter and still make it back in time for our staff/board social tonight. I literally had to fly to get this done in time. Somehow I managed.

Because I didn’t have time to go back home to make a smoothie, and because there was nothing there to make a smoothie with, I caved and ate some food. After a rough day, stress of getting things done in time, and literally living on a couple hundred calories of food, I was hungry to say the least. And this wasn’t a night I could just go to bed hungry and be fine because I knew I still had to stay up and do laundry and pack. Oh my goodness… I would really rather go back and change what I did. But since I’m keeping you guys updated on my progress, here’s what I ate: cauliflower, broccoli, hummus, rice crackers, samosas with chutney, Tostitos with salsa, baguette with a red pepper spread, quinoa salad, and juice (all vegan of course). Even now as I’m writing this, I’m cringing. My stomach is so heavy; it right away started feeling bloated. It even went as far as making my head feel taken aback (not quite headache status, but almost like a pre-headache). Oh man. I wish I could take it all back. The food tasted decent, and I’m really loving cauliflower and broccoli on its own, but the way I feel is not worth it. And thankfully, going back on smoothies will provide my body with enough fibre that it should clean out within a day or two. But even this should be an interesting venture because I’m not sure all the airports I’m going to have only fruit smoothies. Typically there is a sorbet or ice cream that is mixed in with them, but we will see what I can do.

Anyways, I finally came home after a bit of visiting at the social and now I’m just signing off on here for the night while I wait for my laundry to finish and finish packing. I won’t be eating anymore tonight, but will be drinking water for sure! I may make an early morning mango smoothie before I leave, but I’m leaving at such an early hour that I’m not sure that will even happen. I shall keep you posted tomorrow!

Review of Symptoms:
-Acne the same.
-Noticing that my hair has grown so much in the past year since going vegan… wow! Even past students are beginning to comment.
-Cooked/high fat foods leave me feeling yucky; feeling bloated.
-Energy decent.
-Tongue actually looked like a brand new tongue this morning! So impressive!

Weight at the end of the day = 178.6 lbs (up 4 lbs from yesterday… not bad for eating a ton of cooked foods again!)

Total Calories = approx. 2213 (72% carbs, 22% fat, 6% protein… this is my best guess!)

Mono-Juice Feasting (Nectar)- Healing Journey Day 12

Journal:
You know, everyday I write this blog post to keep you up-to-date on my journey, I can’t believe how much time has gone by since I’ve actually taken a bite of something. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would do something like this. It’s totally out of my comfort zone, but I am truly benefitting from amazing self-discipline along the way. This is truly an incredible journey.

Today was a rough day. Today was the kind of day where it would have been better to just stay in bed. But with a lot of prayer and God’s ever-loving kindness to me, He gave me enough strength to get through the day. The only problem was, my dream of getting home at the end of the day and just relaxing was short-lived as I was late getting home and my dog gave me grief for the rest of the evening. I did not get any reprieve today. But even so, I do have one big thing to celebrate, and that was what I drank today.

I will soon be actually taking a bite of fruit!!!! It’s coming!! So in transition, I made today a little different than the regular juice. I, instead, had a nectar; apricot nectar to be specific. Now, remember how I had been dreading drinking more juice because it just seemed to get sweeter and sweeter? Well, this stuff was like a little piece of heaven, and it wasn’t even organic. Oh, if only I could describe what it was like to you. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I’ve had this apricot nectar before but it didn’t taste as good to me then. Now, it was perfection. Such a reprieve from anything that was too sweet before, yet still sweet enough to be satisfying. The liquid being thicker than the normal juice was also something I loved. I can tell the food is coming!!

Now, what would be interesting to find out is whether the ingredients made this more to my satisfaction. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until the end of the day that I noticed they added sugar. It amazes me that the regular juices with no added sugar would taste sweeter than this with added sugar. It’s definitely something to think about. I’ve always found it interesting to see how our body reacts to unnatural things.

I didn’t go to the gym today, but I did do a workout at home. I had a pair of 10 lb dumbbells that I used to do squats, pushups, tricep kickbacks, bicep curls, hamstring curls, lunges, shoulder press, upright rows, and wall sits. I got in a very decent workout and it helped me feel a bit better after the day I had been having.

I finished the day with a candy assembly line as we made variety bags for an upcoming softball tournament. They smelled great and for someone who hasn’t had candy in a long time, looked appetizing as well. But not once did I slip. It was a success.

How much did I drink today? 3L with no issues. In fact, I probably could have drank more… There’s got to be something to this added sugar. It’s got me thinking…

Review of Symptoms:
-Acne is pretty much the same. Perhaps a little duller, but still patiently waiting for a noticeable improvement.
-Tongue did not need scraped this morning. So happy!
-Felt good except one little stomach upset feeling that lasted about 5-10 minutes at the very end of the night. Still unsure as to what causes this.
-Energy kept up through my incredibly NOT GOOD day and even into everything I did in the evening.
-Strength was better than expected during workout.
-Elimination was good today. Perhaps my transition to nectar is also kickstarting digestion again.

Weight at the end of the day = 178.2 lbs (up 1.2 lbs from yesterday)

Total Calories = 1,536 (99% carbs, 0% fat, 1% protein)

Dry Fasting – Healing Journey Day 2

Journal:
This morning was rough. I’m not gonna lie. After having such an energetic and fairly normal day yesterday, I seriously think I could have laid in bed and slept on and off all day. I did NOT want to get up this morning whatsoever. I was a little hungry, but even more so, I was extremely thirsty. Part of the reason may be the heater I’ve been turning off and on in my basement room; it seems to dry things out. But nonetheless, it was harder to concentrate and move. Interestingly enough, my hands were also incredibly shaky. I just wanted to lay around with zero energy.

I finally made myself get up and get moving around 2:00 in the afternoon. One of the local organic stores had a 15% off sale going on today so I wanted to see what juices they had to break my fast with. I am so thankful I had that motivation because I honestly had to drag myself out of bed to go take a shower. The shower was nice and refreshing, but even after I was done getting ready, I stumbled up the stairs. I was not enjoying the energy-less feelings.

Driving, I seemed to be ok. I purposefully wore capris today because I knew it was rainy and grey outside so the extra exposure to the elements would wake me up a little more.

I thoroughly enjoyed grocery shopping for juice. I’m not planning on starting juice fasting until Thursday, but I figured that if the deals were on today, might as well get prepared! I ended up going to 3 grocery stores and thankfully somehow ending up with the best prices of each type of juice I bought. I got quite a few, though was very tired again when I finally got back home.

When I got back home, the decision had to be made whether I was going to go to the gym or not. I actually decided to go, though it took a lot of time and mental convincing to get myself there. Once I got there, I actually found it decently easy to get through a small ab workout and then a 30 minute walk on the treadmill. Normally, I would do more than just abs and something a little more intense for cardio. But knowing the condition I had been in most of the day, I figured I better not push too hard since I’m not even consuming water to replenish what is lost.

Oddly enough, since the workout, I’ve felt a million times better. This is something I definitely did not expect. I figured I would be toast and done in for early for the night, but amazingly feel so much better. I came home and got laundry going right away, took in two loads from the car, and am able to concentrate on the few things I need to get done for tomorrow. It is so comforting to be feeling better because I was honestly getting worried about teaching tomorrow with the way I felt this morning. But feeling the way I do this afternoon, I know I can do it.

This is my last day of dry fasting as planned and I have a bottle of water beside my bed to drink first thing when I wake up tomorrow morning. I’m hoping/expecting that my body will celebrate the taste of water; I’m excited to find out. I’m not sure how my body will react as I continue with 3 more days without food as I move into a water fast, but I can only imagine the effect that simply adding water back in to my body will have.

Review of symptoms:
I haven’t noticed too much difference in my face. In fact, I noticed at the gym that my face got red much more easily when breathing in a more forceful way to help with the ab exercise repetitions. I have not had my face do this in forever, if ever. Of course, I’ve been going around with a noticeable feeling in my stomach; it’s not really painful but definitely noticeable. I’m not sure whether it is hunger, thirst, or something else. It’s definitely something I can live with; very mild. The shaking has gone away for the most part since my workout; it was really bad this morning. Being able to actually sit down and be able to work and focus on something rather than fighting my thoughts to sleep like I did this morning is really nice too. My hair is not as greasy as it normally would be at this point which tells me that the junk food and greasy food definitely affects how much oil is in your hair.

Weight at the end of day 2 = 185.4 lbs (down 3.4 lbs in 24 hours)

Total Calories = 0

Choosing Your Battles

Now, in many relationship advice books or forums, people will tell you to choose your battles. Of course, this comes in incredibly handy in relationships because, quite frankly, nobody is going to be the same as you. Especially when you live together, you are then trying to fit two lives into one and there will be many conflicting issues when two opinions are trying to melt into one.

However, my story doesn’t focus on a relationship per se. But it is about learning to deal with the small stuff, and only making a big deal over big things so that people have no way to argue back with you.

When my husband and I got our first apartment, it was in a “fixed” state. And what I mean by that is simply that the people before us were very rough on the place, having big parties and crazy enough to throw a couch off the deck into someone’s car below. Needless to say, they were kicked out, and all the stickers on the fan blades, the dirt and garbage throughout the place, and patch work here and there needed to be done. It wasn’t perfect when we got it, but it was our first place and that was all that mattered.

As time would go on, the lack of a screen door on our deck (the previous tenants had smashed that), had started wilting the corner of the door inwards. We mentioned it several times for almost a year, but it apparently wasn’t a big issue. We also had a screen missing in our bedroom window which was mentioned, but that never got fixed either. My husband wanted to stop paying our rent and be a little more forceful when it came to getting these simple repairs done, but I took the much gentler approach and said that we’ll just wait a little longer.

Now, as you can imagine, when those -40 winter days come, having an exposed corner of your door to the outside was a huge issue. When I could sit on my couch and see the snow outside on my deck through the one corner, that was an issue. Unfortunately nobody did anything about it. We kept being promised that something would happen, but it didn’t. And after a year and a half of being there, I decided that it was finally time to make a little noise. So I found the e-mail for the CEO of the rental company, thanked him for making cheaper places available and for having pet allowance (that a lot of places don’t), I simply explained to him our situation and reminded him how awful it was going to be on another -40 night. My door was fixed within 2 days. Now, I also had my fridge quit, and that was replaced right away. Had I complained and been more forceful about everything, I don’t think this would have been the case.

In my e-mail to the CEO, I also mentioned I was planning to move to another one of the company’s rental properties simply for being closer to work, and without asking, in apologizing for what we had been through, he waived our transition fee and got me an apartment rather quickly. I also had an ex-landlord of our current property (she was promoted higher in the company) call and offer any assistance in the transition I needed. Now think about that for a moment. I chose my battle. I didn’t battle every little thing. When you have lots of little incidences built up, people can see where you’re coming from over the bigger things and are usually more than willing to help you out.

Fast forward to our new place. In the year we’ve been here, we moved in with 2 broken sets of blinds (still never been replaced), a missing screen in our office window, the basement leaked every time it rained, our basement completely flooded twice, and just recently our tub quit draining. Now of course, my husband wants to take the same forceful approach because in reality, it is ridiculous. However, they did fairly quickly respond to the flooding, it took them about a year to fix the cracks in the basement, but they still did it, and it’s now taken them 5 days to fix our tub, plus I will have to call them back tomorrow because the piping from the tub is still dripping over our kitchen counter. But I haven’t made a big deal about any of it, and I choose not to because the more compliant you are over the small things, the more compliant they will usually be when it comes to something big.

So people, choose your battles. Don’t make a huge deal about everything or people will treat you as that “complainer”. But be patient with the small things, and you watch how much people will do what they can for you when it comes to a big thing.

Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go The Way You Think

It’s without a doubt you’ve had some experience with this. It could be that everything seems to be going great one minute and then falls apart the next. It could be that everything is aligned to go a certain way and still it derails before your very eyes. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure you’ve experienced something like this at least once in your life.

Tonight I had one of these experiences and unfortunately I’m not up to sharing it right now. But it blind – sided me; totally took me by surprise.  It literally broke my heart and sent me into a downward spiral. And incase you’re wondering, no my husband and I are not getting a divorce. I wouldn’t have the strength to write you if that was the case. But this event that happened tonight reminded me that no matter what, I can’t live this life on my own. I have to be in close contact, holding the hand of my heavenly father every step of the way. I get blind – sided,  but He doesn’t.  I fall down and break apart but He doesn’t.  I sometimes feel like giving up on everything,  not seeing the point in anything. But God never gives up. And He sees the point in everything.  And therefore, I am reminded that I need Him daily, hourly, and each second.

I had a friend talk to me for the first time in a few weeks and she asked how I’ve been. So I updated her on the events of only the last week. Her question that followed was the same I get from many people,  “Is your life ever boring?”. It’s so true! I don’t have a chance to be bored. My life is either actively going in the right direction or I’m left scrambling to pick my life back up and put the pieces together enough to function again. I don’t get a break. It NEVER ends.

The more I sat and thought of this, the more I was reminded of things people have told me and things that I believe.

#1: God has me in my life for a reason and as much as I may not like it, it’s because He knows I’m the one who will somehow battle through it and develop the strength from previous events to tackle the increasing grandeur of future events. I seriously look over my past, the fears, the unknowns, and through God’s grace, I made it through stronger than before. But shortly after comes an event of larger size that once again breaks me down until through God’s grace once again, I build greater endurance and strength to overcome again. I mean I’m only in my early twenties,  and through the small amount of stories I share with my students at school, I have parents that have come to tell me I’ve been through more things that most people twice my age. I’m always scared of sounding like a know – it – all because I’ve moved so much, travelled some, been through extensive amounts of situations I can give info on so many different things. Students often come to my classroom to talk or to get advice because they know I’ve got something.  And maybe that’s part of the purpose, so that I can counsel others.  But it’s still an excruciatingly painful process with many scars that unfortunately get carried along.

#2: The devil attacks those He’s afraid of. Quite often, I’ve been reminded that the devil doesn’t waste his time on those who already deny God. His goal is to get us as far away FROM God as possible,  so he would only spend his time attacking those who try to regain for Christ’s kingdom, those who love God and try to follow Him the best they can. I’ve been told that when life is going seamlessly great, you have to question why the devil is not after you.  Again, not great news, because it basically guarantees life is going to be rough. But at the same time, God never guaranteed an easy life. He simply promised that those who endure on Earth will be rewarded in Heaven.  He promised that whenever we asked, He would help us. And that’s how we get through the worst parts of life, with God carrying us part of the way.

Tonight has not been the easiest night, but I know that God is here with me and is holding His hand over my heart, whispering that everything will be ok because He has this whole world in His hands. And I will cling to His embrace knowing that He is the reason I’m here and the reason I continue to survive through each thing I encounter. God is literally my all.

Week 2 Day 1

Today was an incredibly busy day. My husband and I had to get ready, get our four dogs ready, and make a couple stops before driving the 45 minutes to make it to a softball tournament hosted as a fundraiser for my school. We spent most of the 2 hours we were there monitoring kids as they loved our dogs and wanted to walk them and play with them. Thankfully, our dogs love attention and love kids so for the most part this went well (except the kid that starting trying to empty his water bottle on my dog… I was not happy).

I managed to pack some already cooked rice that I had set aside and a package of beef jerky to take with me. Lesson learned: cold rice is awful! But do what you can to eat healthy.

We left the tournament and dropped by our house to leave three of them at home. We took the fourth (Jewel) to her grooming appointment.

While she was being groomed, we went to Home Depot looking at tools, and then to H&W Produce to pick up some veggies.

After we picked Jewel up, we brought her back home with the others.

We then headed to the other side of the city to go to Shoppers Drug Mart, then ate at the Mongolie Grill. We chose this restaurant because it is very macro friendly. It’s basically a salad bar but for stir fry. You pick and choose what you want for veggies, proteins, sauces, etc… and they grill it up for you. Easy way to get in good food while you’re out.

Our final stop after the Mongolie Grill was Wal-Mart for some groceries.

It was a hectic, busy day but I managed to eat on track and succeeded in accomplishing a lot today. By the time I was done my workout (hard workout, 7 exercises in circuit format, pushed really hard with a little Olympia motivation) I felt so sick. Sick enough that I didn’t know whether my body wanted to vomit/sleep or what it wanted; sick enough that my husband almost made me pull over and let him drive the 5 minutes home. I was in rough shape.

Even though I felt so awful, I got it done and to me that is what matters. Can’t be successful if you don’t do the work!

Week 3 Day 4

Today was an interesting day. Again, for some reason, I was sort of running late for work. The difference is that I made it on time and was not officially late today. However, in my rushing, I made some food and threw it all in the bag, but noticed that I had left one very crucial ingredient to one of my meals at home. Ugh. I hate when that happens!

It turned out that I had enough food with me to get through the day, and with the stress I had to endure at work today, it turned out alright.

I’m the opposite of an emotional eater. When I’m very stressed, I don’t eat.

So today was a very rough day. High stress, wanting to quit and go home. But of course, I stayed and dealt with it to the most I could and recruited some higher authority to help. I hate days like today.

So bad, so stressed…

So the workout for today was good. There were 5 exercises, designed in a circuit. Then I finished with 25 minutes on the stationary bike.

I tried an exercise for the first time today. It was called spidermans. I found them to be awkward at first, and felt better at them as I went on. But let me tell you, they are not as easy as I thought they looked. Funny how that works!

In summary, I’m keeping up with my workouts and my food is still on point! I have not craved anything, I keep my food either totally ready to go or at least prepped so that it is a very quick assembly. I feel good, I have not had coffee all week, and my workouts have been solid. So far so good and hopefully to continue with the good!

Sometimes It’s Only Going to Be You

This post comes after a difficult day. I’m not going to go into many details, but I’d just like to reflect upon something that I think many of us struggle with; some of us daily.

The thing is, you can’t please everyone. There is no way possible you can do that. There is always somebody that is going to be upset with the way you do something or the way you think about things. Even when you think you are doing your best, there are people who will pick apart all of the little things that they consider wrong.

To me, the worst part is that sometimes these are the very people you love, the very people that are in your family, even your closest friends. It’s unfortunate that the people closest to us are sometimes the ones that abuse the power they hold of being able to uplift or destroy you. What makes it the absolute worst is when they don’t even see it; when they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. Can you think of someone in your life who is like this? Someone whom you feel you love so completely and yet you can’t understand why they choose to hurt you over and over again? Someone whom you try so hard to please but seem to always fall short of their expectations?

Maybe you have support of great friends and family. If you do, I completely commend you to grasp these resources. Just be sure to filter through your resources and have pre-arranged support that will view from a fair and just perspective because as we all know, every story has two perspectives, whether we see it that way or not.

Some circumstances request minimal resources, sometimes none. Sometimes you have nobody to run to, no support to back you up, and that’s how I’m feeling tonight. If you ever feel this way, please know that you are not alone. When the horrible words, the wrecking ball that tirelessly slams itself into your heart, beating you over and over again waiting for you to crumble, please know that you are not alone. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to walk away, do it. Find the place where you can be totally vulnerable and alone, and pour your heart out. Pour your heart out to the Man who has never left you once, who’s sitting with you in these moments of deepest pain, holding you in His arms, telling you that everything is going to be ok.

You see, sometimes nobody will be there to support you. Sometimes nobody will be there to pick you back up, and that’s when it becomes up to you. And sometimes, it really is only going to be you. You, alone, to make the choice whether you are going to keep fighting or give up. You, alone, to choose whether or not you will rise above the ashes or fall to dust. Even if you don’t have the strength to do it alone, you just have to make that choice. You see, God doesn’t actually promise that He won’t give us more than we can handle. In fact, that verse (1 Corinthians 10:13) actually says,

“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able…”

The famous verse that people always refer to as “God will not give you more than you can handle” actually only speaks about temptations. If you’re anything like me, your burdens are not simply what you’ve been tempted by but rather situations that seem to have placed themselves upon you; little to no temptation at all. The type of situations that most people would look at you and say, “It’s just a rough time, you’ll get through it”.

Knowing the truth, that God does not actually promise we won’t be burdened with more than what we can handle alone, it’s easy to see that God actually has never intended us to handle these burdens alone. When you sit there, cry, bearing your heart and your problems, it’s what you’re supposed to do. You need to, even have to let God know that you need His help. He wants you to ask Him to help you. He wants you to expose your pain freely to Him and open your heart completely, allowing Him the freedom to enter it and help you. God wants to carry your burdens. When you’re tired, worn out, not sure where to go, God has made you a promise. Isaiah 40:31 has this promise and is a verse I refer to all the time. It says,

“…but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Wow. What a promise. In the moments of our deepest despair, when we have nowhere left to turn, God provides us with that promise. We won’t be left in our darkest hole, we won’t be left with our bleeding hearts. He evens goes further to give us another promise just as powerful as that one. In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Did you know that? God doesn’t want you to carry your burdens. He wants you to realize that sometimes you have too much to handle. Sometimes the pain and suffering you are experiencing actually are too much for you. The people around you that are filling your head with the ridiculousness that you’re not good enough, you’re work isn’t good enough, you’re not working hard enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not strong enough, whatever it may be. All of those daily burdens and the pain that goes right along with them really is too much to bear, despite the fact that people in your life will sit there and openly tell you that you’re making a big deal about it and you can handle. God, Himself has said that you can’t always do that. He knows you will grow tired trying to accomplish everything that others want you to do. He knows you will be weary from trying to please everyone. He knows your load will sometimes become too heavy for you, and He, Himself wants to carry that load for you. What an awesome God He is to love us that much!

I’m going to leave you with a quote. A quote that quickly became my background on my computer and I have not changed it yet. I would also like to leave you with a prayer that I found so powerful I have placed it on my wall as a note. These things are always there so whenever I need a reminder that I am not alone and that God will help carry my burdens, it’s there. I encourage you to write it down and keep it available for yourself. You never know when you need the extra encouragement.

Quote – “When you’ve done everything you can do, that’s when God steps in and does what you can’t.”

Prayer – “Dear Righteous Father, I will not forget Your benefits as daily You help bear my burdens. Though I’m facing seemingly endless difficulties, I will not throw in the towel. I will set my eyes upon the hills and look forward with confidence of the future You have prepared for me; through Jesus Christ your Son our LORD. Amen.”