How Did I End Up Here?

Guys, I’m going to be very open and real with you in this post. It is very early in the morning, and I’ve already been awake for over an hour. I can’t sleep. I woke up from a terrible dream. …

It’s Ok to Not Be Okay

Have you ever felt the pressure to answer the question, “How are you?” with “I’m ok”? Have you ever felt like giving any less of an answer, regardless of what you’re actually feeling, would just be a burden to society? …

Sometimes It’s Only Going to Be You

This post comes after a difficult day. I’m not going to go into many details, but I’d just like to reflect upon something that I think many of us struggle with; some of us daily.

The thing is, you can’t please everyone. There is no way possible you can do that. There is always somebody that is going to be upset with the way you do something or the way you think about things. Even when you think you are doing your best, there are people who will pick apart all of the little things that they consider wrong.

To me, the worst part is that sometimes these are the very people you love, the very people that are in your family, even your closest friends. It’s unfortunate that the people closest to us are sometimes the ones that abuse the power they hold of being able to uplift or destroy you. What makes it the absolute worst is when they don’t even see it; when they see nothing wrong with what they are doing. Can you think of someone in your life who is like this? Someone whom you feel you love so completely and yet you can’t understand why they choose to hurt you over and over again? Someone whom you try so hard to please but seem to always fall short of their expectations?

Maybe you have support of great friends and family. If you do, I completely commend you to grasp these resources. Just be sure to filter through your resources and have pre-arranged support that will view from a fair and just perspective because as we all know, every story has two perspectives, whether we see it that way or not.

Some circumstances request minimal resources, sometimes none. Sometimes you have nobody to run to, no support to back you up, and that’s how I’m feeling tonight. If you ever feel this way, please know that you are not alone. When the horrible words, the wrecking ball that tirelessly slams itself into your heart, beating you over and over again waiting for you to crumble, please know that you are not alone. If you need to cry, do it. If you need to walk away, do it. Find the place where you can be totally vulnerable and alone, and pour your heart out. Pour your heart out to the Man who has never left you once, who’s sitting with you in these moments of deepest pain, holding you in His arms, telling you that everything is going to be ok.

You see, sometimes nobody will be there to support you. Sometimes nobody will be there to pick you back up, and that’s when it becomes up to you. And sometimes, it really is only going to be you. You, alone, to make the choice whether you are going to keep fighting or give up. You, alone, to choose whether or not you will rise above the ashes or fall to dust. Even if you don’t have the strength to do it alone, you just have to make that choice. You see, God doesn’t actually promise that He won’t give us more than we can handle. In fact, that verse (1 Corinthians 10:13) actually says,

“No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able…”

The famous verse that people always refer to as “God will not give you more than you can handle” actually only speaks about temptations. If you’re anything like me, your burdens are not simply what you’ve been tempted by but rather situations that seem to have placed themselves upon you; little to no temptation at all. The type of situations that most people would look at you and say, “It’s just a rough time, you’ll get through it”.

Knowing the truth, that God does not actually promise we won’t be burdened with more than what we can handle alone, it’s easy to see that God actually has never intended us to handle these burdens alone. When you sit there, cry, bearing your heart and your problems, it’s what you’re supposed to do. You need to, even have to let God know that you need His help. He wants you to ask Him to help you. He wants you to expose your pain freely to Him and open your heart completely, allowing Him the freedom to enter it and help you. God wants to carry your burdens. When you’re tired, worn out, not sure where to go, God has made you a promise. Isaiah 40:31 has this promise and is a verse I refer to all the time. It says,

“…but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Wow. What a promise. In the moments of our deepest despair, when we have nowhere left to turn, God provides us with that promise. We won’t be left in our darkest hole, we won’t be left with our bleeding hearts. He evens goes further to give us another promise just as powerful as that one. In Matthew 11:28, Jesus says,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.”

Did you know that? God doesn’t want you to carry your burdens. He wants you to realize that sometimes you have too much to handle. Sometimes the pain and suffering you are experiencing actually are too much for you. The people around you that are filling your head with the ridiculousness that you’re not good enough, you’re work isn’t good enough, you’re not working hard enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not strong enough, whatever it may be. All of those daily burdens and the pain that goes right along with them really is too much to bear, despite the fact that people in your life will sit there and openly tell you that you’re making a big deal about it and you can handle. God, Himself has said that you can’t always do that. He knows you will grow tired trying to accomplish everything that others want you to do. He knows you will be weary from trying to please everyone. He knows your load will sometimes become too heavy for you, and He, Himself wants to carry that load for you. What an awesome God He is to love us that much!

I’m going to leave you with a quote. A quote that quickly became my background on my computer and I have not changed it yet. I would also like to leave you with a prayer that I found so powerful I have placed it on my wall as a note. These things are always there so whenever I need a reminder that I am not alone and that God will help carry my burdens, it’s there. I encourage you to write it down and keep it available for yourself. You never know when you need the extra encouragement.

Quote – “When you’ve done everything you can do, that’s when God steps in and does what you can’t.”

Prayer – “Dear Righteous Father, I will not forget Your benefits as daily You help bear my burdens. Though I’m facing seemingly endless difficulties, I will not throw in the towel. I will set my eyes upon the hills and look forward with confidence of the future You have prepared for me; through Jesus Christ your Son our LORD. Amen.”

 

 

When It Rains, It Definitely Pours! Smile Anyway!

Hello everyone. It has been an incredible journey (you can decide whether it was bad or good) since my last post. This is probably one of my first “down-time” moments I’ve had in the last month. Crazy!

So last time I wrote, I was in the Phoenix, AZ airport, awaiting my plane to Los Angeles. Tired. My plane to Los Angeles was on time and absolutely fine. However, according to the new tickets they had given me, I was supposed to change airlines. Weird, eh? So I was now switching airlines (of whose names I will not post to avoid hard feelings). I quickly found out that the LA airport is HUGE and of course the two airlines were in different terminals. For those of you who don’t know, the airport has 9 terminals. It’s crazy. They have their own bus shuttle service to get you around to the different ones.

Anyways, so I jump on the shuttle, he takes me to the new terminal, and I wait in line. I get to the counter, show them the computer printout I had been given, and the nightmare began. I was told I had a reservation, but there was no ticket in my reservation. Of course this sounded absolutely ridiculous but I asked what I needed to do. She simply told me to go back to the other airline and just request for them to do it again. So back I walked.

When I arrived back at the original airline, I told my story. The lady looked at me like I was ridiculous but complied and did the whole booking process again and also gave me printed out ticket vouchers that stated the exact plane I was supposed to be on. Seriously, they looked just like airline tickets, except for the word coupon on them. This was supposed to make the process easier.

So once again, I walked over (I had given up on waiting for shuttle). Mind you, the walking is significant as I had packed all of my new books in my carry on which made it weigh my shoulders down, as well as my purse which people tell me I must pack bricks in. So I am tired AND worn out AND frustrated.

I get back to the other airline only to notice the line has doubled. I think I waited close to half hour before reaching the counter. Possibly even 40 minutes. I got to the counter, explained the whole story again, and wouldn’t you know, I now have THREE reservations, and still no tickets. So I took a deep breath and handed her the the coupon tickets that I had received and showed her that I’m supposed to be on the next plane, the $300 was covered by the coupon, etc… She told me to hold on one minute, got on the phone and did whatever she did. Only to get off the phone and hand the coupon tickets back to me and tell me there was nothing she could do. I seriously think my jaw dropped to the floor. Then I told her that even I could read the coupon tickets and tell her I’m supposed to be here right now and getting on the next flight. She told me that yes, I should be there, but there was nothing she could do. I would have to go back to the original airline and tell them to get me a different flight.

Can you imagine? I was ready to just bawl my eyes out. Stuck in the states, not with my husband, can’t get to Canada, maybe not even make it for the wedding, and almost no outlook of getting out of Los Angeles. But I got myself together and walked back to the other terminal; to the original airline.

When I reached there, the lady from the counter saw me and asked why I was back. I told her the whole story, still trying not to burst right out in tears. She actually told me that I had the actual ticket and that I needed to march back there and tell them to take it. And I simply looked at her with a painstaking (and probably horribly tired-looking eyes) face and told her that I wasn’t going back there because I was going to miss the flight anyways and there was no way they were going to take it.

The lady looked at me and told me to hold on before disappearing behind a grey door. And there I stood, for close to 20 minutes, not knowing how this day would turn out. Not knowing where I would go.

The lady came out and basically insulted the other airline, telling me that she wasn’t sure what their problem was and that they were “playing games” and then took a very sympathetic tone with me. She gave me two options, one of switching to another airline and making it home by 11:00 p.m. or staying with their airlines and making it home by 12:15 a.m. I told her I don’t care about the hour difference, I’m sticking with this airline because I just want to go home.

I had a long wait at the airport. But eventually I was back on a flight to Phoenix (never should have left there in the first place) and then on the flight to Edmonton.

Now of course I was relieved just to make it back, even though I was 24 hours late, super tired, and worn out. But it hit me that I had no idea where my checked bags would be. I already knew they would not be on the belt when they unloaded the suitcases. I hadn’t seen mine since I had left Colorado.

I waited at the belt to be sure, but of course they were not there. I casually walk over to luggage services, and they trace my bags back to Los Angeles. I told the lady that it would make sense and gave her a brief overview of the story and signed papers for them to be delivered and authority for a customs check.

As I’m almost out the airport doors, the luggage lady runs after me and says to hold on and that they found one of my bags. So I said ok, and she took me back through customs to claim my bag.

Then as I’m leaving the airport a second time, the luggage lady runs after me again asking if I didn’t mind sitting because she had one more place she’d like to check. So I sat, knowing that late night/early morning hours don’t really matter at this point anyways, and there she came, rolling my other suitcase! Hallelujah! One thing down!

Then I took a taxi to my sister’s place, had a quick shower, packed her belongings as well as mine, and took a taxi to my place as she is moving in.

I don’t like the situation she was in at the place she was living in. There are a great deal of things that I don’t agree with that her boyfriend does and the way he treats her, and her life is somewhat a mess. So she is here temporarily to get her feet back on the ground, get a job, get her ID so she can get a job, and hopefully see the destruction in her relationship. Please, please pray for her. The relationship is not a healthy one.

So we get here, and I get a total of 2 hours of sleep before I have to get up. Because I was a day late, that gave me less time for the appointments for the wedding, less time to get my sister settled in, and really less time for anything and everything.

So I began with a trip to the mall to get my sister a bus pass. She would need it to get around the city and I would have to teach her how to use the busses. As we went around and I completed my nail appointment that day, before I knew it, it was time to go to the rehearsal dinner. Oh boy.. I hit the ground running.

The rehearsal dinner went fine, and of course everyone was asking me about why my husband wasn’t there, my flight story, etc.

That night, I had 5 hours of sleep before I had to get up to SQUEEZE in an eyelash appointment, and a spray tan to try and cover my horrible tan lines (didn’t work) as well as continue teaching my sister how to use the bus system. I literally got home and right away had to go to my friend’s house to get ready for bachelorette evening. No time, no time.

Bachelorette evening went off without too much of a hitch. I stayed the night at the bride’s house since it was late, got up with them Saturday morning, and went to church. After church we had a family potluck, and then the bride’s father (who knows me very well) told me I should go home and take a nap before the gathering potluck later because he could see I desperately needed sleep. However, when I got dropped off at home, I realized my ticket to visit my family in New Brunswick was booked for 1:30 the next night, the night of the reception! I would have not a drop of time to pack tomorrow! Needless to say, instead of napping, I spent my time emptying out my old suitcases (no time for laundry) and packing everything ahead of time for my NB trip. This took quite awhile as I was also trying to pick up a few things so my sister could feel slightly more at home and had to take a trip to grocery store so my sister had food to eat while I was gone. I was rushing and rushing and rushing with no time to rest.

I called when I had finished packing and knew it was about time for the bbq to start, so I got picked up, went over and ate, and headed to the church at 9:30 p.m. I don’t think we left the church from decorating and planning until at least 12:30 a.m. What a night…

Funny thing is, the hair lady wasn’t supposed to arrive until 9:00 a.m., but had been surprised by her husband with a surprise vacation and thus needed to arrive at 7:00 a.m. Opportunity for some extra sleep = gone!

But the wedding day was amazing, and I was incredibly satisfied with the way everything looked and how I looked despite my intense sleep deprivation, and we had so much fun at the reception. Now, the reception did end at 10:00 (not that everyone left at this time) but I had to rush right out the door, before even the bride and groom, in order to make it to my place to change and then to the airport to check in enough time before my flight. I would be so glad when this rush is over…

I did make it, my flights were fine, but I was so exhausted, hungry, and just plain worn out.

It was nice to be in NB with my family, in a small community instead of being in the large city. I was missing my husband horribly and needed sleep incredibly badly. I slept so much for a few days. I was tired all the time.

But I really did have a good visit. Spent quite a bit of time in St. Andrews. If you have never been to St. Andrews, New Brunswick, Canada, GO! You’re on the ocean, it’s a quaint little town, and even the restaurants have the option of their patios which are on the beach of the ocean. It honestly does not get any better than that. It’s a place of calm and peace with some really nice and unique stores on the main st. The food is amazing as everything is local and fresh, the fish are freshly caught and sold right on the dock in the middle of main st. Everyone is so friendly and just happy and smelling the ocean air day after day is incredible. The breeze, the sunsets and the sunrises with their reflections on the water. The botanical gardens, the whale watching adventures, the sport fishing, and even the new shark fishing are just the most amazing. (Disclaimer: you aren’t “hunting” to kill sharks. There has been a huge amount of sharks moving into the Bay of Fundy and so you are with a trained professional to capture sharks and tag them so they can keep better track. Thrill of a lifetime!)

I was able to visit all of my grandparents, including my two great grandmothers: 87 and 95!! They both still live on their own and although one has beginning dementia and the other has heart problems, they’re still both in good humour and attitude! Oh yes, my great grandmothers have their own little quirks. They got some sass left! 🙂

I missed my husband incredibly, and was drudging the idea of returning to the city. I wanted to stay in the relaxing environment and just feel the ocean breeze day after day. But lo’ and behold, it was almost 3 weeks in NB and I had to go.

Now I cried a lot on the way back as well. One reason being that my family was going through some issues and I felt bad leaving them that way. The second reason being that my biological father doesn’t always completely open up about how he feels. But this time he did and he didn’t want to see me leave. I can imagine there were tears shed, although he didn’t mention that part. So that made it incredibly hard. And the third and most dooming reason was that I knew I was returning to my apartment, my husband’s and my first home we called ours, and he wasn’t going to be there. That was incredibly hard to swallow. I never had time to face that fact until that time. Let’s just say, I was a tear-running mess.

I made it back home without and travel problems, of course it was the wee hours of the morning, and had to get up and get tons of things done. I am and was then currently starting a brand new fitness challenge, as well as being involved in a Mary Kay challenge (I’m a Mary Kay Independent Beauty Consultant as well). So I had certain foods to buy, things for school were needed since I had to be at work the next day, etc…

Monday came, I showed up at work. Got a bit done, but we had a Love & Logic meeting that took some time. If you are having discipline problems, I highly recommend the Love & Logic program. Excellent for saving you extra stress!

Tuesday came, got some work done, but sat through a very long staff meeting. Ended up with a headache and pretty much got nothing I wanted to have done, done.

Wednesday came, got more work done, but sat through a long core group meeting. *Sigh… these meetings start to wear on you.

Thursday came, got probably the most amount of work done, came home and continued with the fitness program (which I had been doing everyday). Also on Thursday, I realized that the schedules for classes, as they were made, actually wouldn’t work. They had double booked my kids for two classes they are required to take. Oh boy! Let’s just say the other teachers did not want to change their schedules that they had already finalized to accommodate. Some serious anger going around.

Thought we had the issue fixed in a very painless way for everyone, only to wake up Friday and realize that our new solution won’t work either. Another conflict for my kids. And so it was taken to official hands and out of mine. It was Friday, school starts Monday. Not looking so good. Not to mention that our field and playground are completely torn up by renovations (actually a sea of dirt, no grass in sight) and we’re not sure what we’re doing about recesses yet.

But since Friday was here, I needed to get around and get some things done. Basically everything went well and the actual working solution to my scheduling problem was found.

Now I’d like to insert a huge blessing at this point because it definitely needs mentioning. When I had mentioned switching a gym period with another teacher, it was received with frustration and anger. Mind you the teachers reminded me it wasn’t towards me but they were unwilling to change their schedules. Normally I’m a very easily hurt person, but with all the craziness going on, I just kinda shoved it off. That same day, a couple hours later, those upset teachers came to the office, passed me on the way and asked if it was solved yet and I had said no not yet as I continued walking past (on my way to photocopier). They had gone to the office, but I hadn’t seen why. Later that evening, the secretary who of course is always busy with getting stuff ready for the beginning of school, busy taking care of registrations and parents coming in and uniform measurements and ordering, sent me a message. She was simply asking if I was ok because she had seen everything going on. I can’t tell you how much I love this woman! I can seriously accredit half of my survival the last year and some to this woman. God knew I would need her, and need her I did. Sometimes it just takes someone like that to boost your spirits, and it definitely did. I will continue to sing her praises as she is one of the most selfless women I have ever met.

So then comes Saturday. I’m out walking, and seriously had to cross maybe 6 feet of grass to get back on pavement, and the grass was kind of long, probably needing a mowing soon, and before you know it, I’m down on the ground and pounding the earth with my fist. I look behind me, and my foot is straight down in the ground, toes in first and heel sticking straight up. A gopher hole of all things. Obviously this was an old gopher hole as the grass had grown back out of the hole, thus the reason for not seeing the hole and of course the grass was the same height as the rest. I couldn’t believe it. 3 days until school starts, because of the new scheduling changes, I’m on recess duty alone once a day, and there goes my foot. *Sigh… off to the hospital.

At the hospital, the doctor did the x-rays and whatever. He said that it was just a bad sprain and his advice was “Let your pain be your guide” which resulted in no crutches or anything. I had my sister wheeling me around in a wheel chair while we were in the hospital, but no crutches for home. So, the hopping began. 3 busses and a ton of hopping and tiredness on the one leg and out of breath and sweat was horrible. I was not prepared. They had offered me pain killers at the hospital but I told them as long as I didn’t use the foot, it was fine.

Well, the man’s “Let your pain be your guide” philosophy definitely was not great advice. When I got home last night, my foot just throbbed! It was the pain that is achy and not stabbing like a knife but so uncomfortable that you’re wincing in pain just to find a position that will keep it from throbbing so badly.

I elevated it, iced it, heat packed it, and eventually was able to fall asleep after some Advil kicked in.

So today I’m supposed to get groceries. I was supposed to go to the school to finish up before the kids come. I’m supposed to be doing a new workout today to continue my fitness program. I’m supposed to be up and working my Mary Kay business to continue my challenge. And I’m here on the couch with an elevated foot.

*Sigh… not sure how this is all coming together, but somehow I know God will bring me through. At the hospital I had no choice but to smile and laugh. How ridiculous was it that I was walking a few hours before, I was busy but was getting things done, and yet here I sat in a wheelchair. Suddenly immobile when I needed to be mobile the most. I have a total new appreciation for people who have to live in wheelchairs everyday. My 2 hours in a wheelchair is nothing like the endless days, months, and years that these people endure. I’m so proud of them. Seriously am. It’s fun when you’re a kid to pretend you need a wheelchair, but not when you’re older. You become so conspicuous and everything becomes more difficult. If you are reading this and use a wheelchair, I have huge respect for you and appreciation for you! You are incredible!

So needless to say, I’m still trying to work things out in my mind. Recovery is set for a couple weeks. I have recess duty in 2 days. I have school in 2 days, and I also travel on bus. It’s not a good combination, especially for someone that does not have crutches or any type of assistance. But here I go. Another trial, another determined breakthrough.

I suppose that I also should mention that Canadian VISA is on strike (found out at the wedding) and thus NO VISAS are being processed except for a few student VISAs. Which means I have no idea how long before they’ll continue working on my husband’s paperwork so he can join me once again. Just another addition to my list 🙂

So I hope you guys know, and can kinda see that yes, when it rains, sometimes it does pour! It’s never pleasant, and quite frankly, it just sucks. But God does not allow you to bear more than you can handle (1 Corinthians 10:13) and if you can manage to stay positive, even through the worst of things, how much stress will you alleviate from yourself! I encourage you to know that you can make it through what you’re going through. I believe in you. We will fight this battle of the world together. Just stand strong, look at your troubles, and smile. You will get through this!