How Did I End Up Here?

Guys, I’m going to be very open and real with you in this post. It is very early in the morning, and I’ve already been awake for over an hour. I can’t sleep. I woke up from a terrible dream. …

What Life Jackets are You Holding Onto?

Every once in awhile, I believe God allows things to happen to direct me to what I need to do/hear. Last night was one of those times. I was driving from a friend’s house to go home (actually, I was …

Mono-Juice Feasting (Nectar)- Healing Journey Day 12

Journal:
You know, everyday I write this blog post to keep you up-to-date on my journey, I can’t believe how much time has gone by since I’ve actually taken a bite of something. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought that I would do something like this. It’s totally out of my comfort zone, but I am truly benefitting from amazing self-discipline along the way. This is truly an incredible journey.

Today was a rough day. Today was the kind of day where it would have been better to just stay in bed. But with a lot of prayer and God’s ever-loving kindness to me, He gave me enough strength to get through the day. The only problem was, my dream of getting home at the end of the day and just relaxing was short-lived as I was late getting home and my dog gave me grief for the rest of the evening. I did not get any reprieve today. But even so, I do have one big thing to celebrate, and that was what I drank today.

I will soon be actually taking a bite of fruit!!!! It’s coming!! So in transition, I made today a little different than the regular juice. I, instead, had a nectar; apricot nectar to be specific. Now, remember how I had been dreading drinking more juice because it just seemed to get sweeter and sweeter? Well, this stuff was like a little piece of heaven, and it wasn’t even organic. Oh, if only I could describe what it was like to you. The thing is, I’m pretty sure I’ve had this apricot nectar before but it didn’t taste as good to me then. Now, it was perfection. Such a reprieve from anything that was too sweet before, yet still sweet enough to be satisfying. The liquid being thicker than the normal juice was also something I loved. I can tell the food is coming!!

Now, what would be interesting to find out is whether the ingredients made this more to my satisfaction. Unfortunately, it wasn’t until the end of the day that I noticed they added sugar. It amazes me that the regular juices with no added sugar would taste sweeter than this with added sugar. It’s definitely something to think about. I’ve always found it interesting to see how our body reacts to unnatural things.

I didn’t go to the gym today, but I did do a workout at home. I had a pair of 10 lb dumbbells that I used to do squats, pushups, tricep kickbacks, bicep curls, hamstring curls, lunges, shoulder press, upright rows, and wall sits. I got in a very decent workout and it helped me feel a bit better after the day I had been having.

I finished the day with a candy assembly line as we made variety bags for an upcoming softball tournament. They smelled great and for someone who hasn’t had candy in a long time, looked appetizing as well. But not once did I slip. It was a success.

How much did I drink today? 3L with no issues. In fact, I probably could have drank more… There’s got to be something to this added sugar. It’s got me thinking…

Review of Symptoms:
-Acne is pretty much the same. Perhaps a little duller, but still patiently waiting for a noticeable improvement.
-Tongue did not need scraped this morning. So happy!
-Felt good except one little stomach upset feeling that lasted about 5-10 minutes at the very end of the night. Still unsure as to what causes this.
-Energy kept up through my incredibly NOT GOOD day and even into everything I did in the evening.
-Strength was better than expected during workout.
-Elimination was good today. Perhaps my transition to nectar is also kickstarting digestion again.

Weight at the end of the day = 178.2 lbs (up 1.2 lbs from yesterday)

Total Calories = 1,536 (99% carbs, 0% fat, 1% protein)

Week 9 Day 7

Man, today I feel good! I woke up feeling amazing. In fact, I jumped right out of bed, walked the dogs, did some laundry, picked up some things around the house, was even going to dishes after I ate a hearty breakfast, but my husband woke up and so we got ready to go to church first.

At church, we had such an amazing sermon about true villains and heros, comparing the story of Ahab, Jezebel, Naboth and Elijah. It was about how we so easily pick out every else’s problems, yet we have enough of our own to fix. He mentioned how if you look throughout history, God did not keep people from making their own choices, but He did warn them about choices they made; that they would have to face the consequences of their choice. And yet, how truly in the end, we are the villains, the ones who do not deserve to live, the ones who are almost drawn to the bad things of this world, and how Jesus is the only true hero. It was so well presented. This pastor is still in training, not quite done his university career and yet he is so talented, so gifted. I’m so glad we went!

After church, we came home and took a nap. Yes, I know. My body felt so good, but I know I did damage this week, so if it wanted sleep, it got it!

Following our nap, we got up and went to the gym. I did not have near enough time to do the workout I was behind on, plus the workout I didn’t finish the day before, and so for this week, I’m a workout and two cardio sessions behind. It’s ok, it just means that this week, I’ll have 6 training sessions and 6 cardio sessions to do. Basically, I’ll be at the gym everyday. But hey, I love the gym, so that’s ok with me!

After we worked out, we came home, changed our clothing, and went out for a nice supper. Supper was absolutely delicious, but our night was semi-ruined when we came out to find someone had smashed the driver side mirror out of my husband’s truck, only to find it laying on the ground. We parked in a large parking space, beside a tiny car. It was obviously done by human contact. And the glass does not have any cracks in it, so it’s almost like someone pried it out. I don’t get it. I really don’t understand why people have to do these things. So now we need to see how much it will cost to replace and how much of the whole mirror area that we need to replace. My dreams of flying home for Christmas are going further and further away.

Following this, as you can assume, we went straight home and didn’t do much of anything for the rest of the night. We just took it easy, calmed down and tried to find something positive to think/talk about.

Week 9 Day 6

As one can only imagine, I felt awful when I woke up today. After having so many dreams last night, I felt like I had lived several nights in one. But I got up, ate some breakfast, then took care of my babies, took a shower and got ready for my chiropractor and acupuncture appointments that I was really looking forward to today. After this week, I needed the relaxing and adjustment times. But that’s when the problem began.

My car would not start. I don’t think it was just that the temperature was almost -30 Celsius, but something that won’t even allow the motor to really turn over more than once. The biggest thing is that I remember my car doing this last winter, I just don’t remember how we fixed it. But what really stressed me is that I missed my appointments. I called in of course, but this week I could have really used those appointments, so I was very upset.

I came in, and decided that since my car wouldn’t work, I should at least try to finish my work. But to no avail. My eyes were burning, my body just in a hateful mode, and my head had the worst headache I’ve ever had. So really I had no choice but to try and keep sleeping it off.

But wouldn’t ya know, this would be the day my dogs would decide to be whiney. I walked them twice as much as normal, even though I felt terrible, and I was just miserable with my body begging me to sleep.

I eventually did sleep and went through several more dreams as my brain continued to try and filter through the last few days, and as much as I hoped I would get rid of the headache, it was still there when I was woken up by my husband coming home.

He took me out for supper, and he graciously took me to the gym, even though it was his designated day off. I powered through as much of my workout as possible, and had to quit half way through. My body wanted to workout so badly, but as much energy as my body had, my head pounded harder with each exercise I did. I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t stop, but I also knew how unhappy I’d be if I didn’t get at least something done. I hated it. My body was going through the exercises with ease, only being stopped by the pain in my head. I just want to workout!!!

So I’m back home now, and laying in bed with my pounding head. Medicine doesn’t seem to touch it. I will be back at the gym tomorrow. I need to workout. My body needs the energy release and is tired of being dormant, and sitting, and grading. But for tonight, sleep in on the agenda. Hopefully, I’ll finally feel like a normal person again.

Week 9 Day 5: The Crash

So I slept maybe 1/2 hour last night. And the results: I’m much closer to being done, but I’m still not done! This is taking so much longer than I ever planned, but regardless, off to work I go.

I actually went to work earlier this morning so that I could stop and get a coffee on the way. I knew I was going to need it badly today. Throughout the day, I managed to get more grading done (still not done) and my classes went well.

After school, we had a staff meeting that was very informative, and our Home and School group provided us with supper which was incredibly nice! But I could tell my body was getting antsy and my eyes were starting to hurt from being focussed and open so long.

I was almost scared for my 2 minute drive home. I knew my brain was probably not at the functioning it should be. But I made it home safely, and took a nap. The problem was, I took a longer nap than normal, thinking it would help. But instead my body started to release it’s tension, and it turned into a 12 hour sleep. My body literally crashed, with good reason. I must have gone through at least 6-12 dreams, the result of my brain on overdrive for 3 days in a sleepless row. My body has certainly had enough.

Week 6 Day 4

I finally got it last night on the treadmill. I finally thought up a few examples that really showed me things that were very difficult to forgive, but I have forgiven. As I reviewed my list, I realized these things hurt me more than they have ever made me angry. I narrowed my list to four things as I only wanted to summarize yesterday’s topic before presenting what I had prepared for today. My list consisted of the following: My father did not attend my high school nor my university graduations, my sister almost died due to the doctor’s mistake of putting latex elastics (of which she’s allergic to) in her mouth following jaw surgery causing her to near death, my friends burned down my family’s camp in a drunken stupor one Halloween night which contained years of memories that will never be replaced since my family was in the middle of renewing the insurance, and finally, the one that is still able to make me cry at any moment, is the fact that my grandfather died when an impatient driver went to pass a semi-truck and ran head into my grandparents’ vehicle coming in the opposite direction. Four extremely difficult situations I had to go through.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that yes, these things cause me sadness, but I don’t hold grudges against the people who were guilty. And here is what I figured out:

1. My life philosophy: Hate what the person did, but don’t hate the person. The truth of the matter is, if sin did not exist, the person would not have done what they did. God did not design us to be this way, but we all sin because of the fall in the Garden of Eden. When Jesus returns, sin will no longer exist. Therefore, just as we reflect on ourselves being sinful, hate the sin but not the person.

2. Allowing someone to suffer what we choose to be consequences for what they’ve done is a method of passing judgement. We are not the ultimate judge. Yes, Earth has judges for major sins that are here so that hopefully less sin will be created, but who are we to gossip about those who have made mistakes against us? We cannot claim to be the judge that God is, and thus should not carry out such punishments.

3. I thought of the story in John 8 where the people brought forth the prostitute expecting Jesus to agree that she should be stoned. However, Jesus responded in a way they didn’t expect, and that was that whoever had not sinned should be the first to cast a stone. Yet, nobody could because everyone had sinned. In this same way, how are we to again, punish others in such a way yet expect forgiveness for when we do something?

4. In a way, Jesus became the person you are upset at. Jesus did not just die for one person’s sins, He died for ALL of humanity’s sins. Think about that. In order to truly die on the cross for us, He had to essentially become all the bad things that we are. He became the bad in all of us. And I thought if I were to see the face of Jesus in the person I’m upset at, would I really be able to stay upset? This is a hard one to think of…

With that being said, I quickly summarized and prayed that those ideas would stick for anyone having difficulties with forgiveness. I then proceeded to continue with my topic for today.

Today’s School Spirit Week day was Tacky Day. Quite frankly, I hate this day. I don’t find “fun” in dressing tacky. But I do it to support my students. So tacky it was. When trying to think of a topic associated with dressing tacky, it quite easily came to me that the topic should be on how life can get messy. And I had a great personal story about this that I was given permission to share, and that was on my step-sister, Natalie.

Natalie was a child with a free spirit that did not easily get along with my dad. Quite understandably, it is hard for a man to come into your life that in a way seems to be taking place of your dad. I can completely relate to that. But she was encouraged by her true father to move out early. She moved out with her boyfriend at the young age of 15. She then proceeded to get involved with drugs which eventually led to many (I believe up to 15) times of being in and out of rehab. Then, the fearful happened. She became pregnant.

During her pregnancy, she seemed to come clean. She moved back in with her mom and my dad, and although there were still some arguments between my dad and her, she seemed to be doing alright. Several months later, twin boys emerged. They were premature, but healthy. I sing my praises to God that those boys were and still are healthy. So many things could have happened. But as they were now born and she fed from a bottle, it was becoming noticeable that she drank.

One Christmas break, my sister and I were at our dad’s, and our step-mom noticed she was getting an alcoholic drink. And so, my step-mom locked up the alcohol in her bedroom. What came next, none of us were prepared for. She went ballistic. She was pounding on the door, screaming that it was unfair, that they should allow her to drink, and finally that she was going to get her babies and they were going to leave. This got so out of hand that it got to the point, the almost unbearable point for my step-mom, that the babies were in danger and the police needed to be called. Keep in mind, my poor dad is running three things at the same time: apologizing and trying to lighten the mood for my sister and I, trying to console and counsel my step-mom, and keeping my step-sister and her babies in the house while keeping unwanted people out.

When the police came, they gave her the option of going upstairs to say good-bye to her babies. She fought and fought them until they eventually and literally dragged her out of the house. If only I could share with you the nightmare. I have never heard someone scream and yell like I heard her scream and yell that night. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought she was being stabbed to death. The awful things she was yelling at her mother would definitely be carried for a long time. That’s when I really knew what addictions could do.

She was released the next day, and I expected that when she called, she would at least ask how her babies were. But do you want to know the ONLY question she asked? When her mom could come get her and take her to get her Methodone shot. No joke. I was in shock. To care about a drug replacement shot to help with her previous addictions over the care of her own children.

Later, she did move out into her own apartment with her children, but by that Friday, my dad and step-mom had the boys over for a sleep-over that they would never return from. She was not using her finances for the true care of her children but rather to feed her addictions, and so learned that she could live on her own again while visiting her children as they were kept at my dad’s.

As much as I’d like to say that she got the help she needed, I can’t. I can remember a conversation we had late one night where she was telling me that the worst thing for her was realizing that she had no dreams left. She used to want to be an actress, to be all of these big things in her life. But she realized that her addictions have drained all of these hopes, all of these goals and dreams out of her, and she had nothing left. Perhaps this was one of the most painful realizations for her. Because one night, in winter, I received a phone call from my dad. His voice was shaky, and he sounded as if he was ready to cry. As much as Natalie and him fought, she was still a huge part of his life as his step-daughter. And I believe this is what made it so difficult that the police had shown up on their doorstep the night before asking them to come and confirm the identification of the body they had found under a bridge. Upon investigation, they had come to believe that she had jumped off the bridge as there was only one set of footprints in the snow that led to the railing and thus leading to the body below. What a hard thing to accept. After years and years of drug abuse, of alcohol abuse, and of accepting that you have nothing left to live for in life, I can only imagine the pain she must have been in. She knew that rehab wouldn’t help because it hadn’t in the past. She couldn’t seem to escape the relationship abuses from men, the fact that she couldn’t find the help she needed nor the inability to escape the addictions that had control over her. This was nothing short of terrible.

Of course, the following fear came that child services would take the boys away. But my dad and step-mother fought for custody of the boys and thankfully were awarded it. And to this day, they are doing the best they can while parenting as grandparents. They boys are doing so well, I’m happy to report. But one day, and my father has talked to me about this, he knows the boys will ask where their mother is, and why they don’t have one like all of the other kids. And he fears that conversation. He fears revisiting and telling them that their father has never wanted anything to do with them and that their mother was so involved with such horrible things that she couldn’t take care of them and eventually couldn’t even take care of herself. What a hard conversation to have with children. I can’t even imagine.

I asked the other teachers and staff to think about the children we have difficulties with, to think of the things we don’t know about in their home lives, the burdens they carry to school each day. Because sometimes, it only takes one family member to make life messy for everyone else. And when especially dealing with children, those background messes need to be considered.

I had to rush through this worship a little as you can probably imagine as it got a little long. But I left people crying and with deep thoughts. Because the truth is, sometimes life sucks. Life can be unfair. The devil is at work so much in our lives, trying to tear us away from our Father who loves us, and unfortunately he uses things like drugs and alcohol that have a way of hooking us and can be very difficult to get away from. Things like drugs and alcohol have a way of consuming people and making the gift of life that God has given us seem pointless. And unfortunately, I see the devil in much of Natalie’s life, laughing and smiling at her misery. And yet in the same scene, I see tears running down Jesus’ face as He watches the destruction of His daughter, the one He loves more than anything. It’s a sad scene, not an easy one to grasp and still not the easiest one to talk about. But as my father said, it’s important to use these stories to help prevent others from making the same mistakes and if this story will help someone, then it is worth talking about.

I didn’t workout today as it was a rest day, but I do hope that you reflect on this, especially if you or someone you know is suffering with addictions. Addictions are something so incredibly unfortunate and cause so much pain to everyone. Take intervention now. Pray that the God of healing, the God that has already defeated all evil in this world will help you overcome. Because there is no power greater than God’s.

The Uncontrollable Future

As I sit here and reflect on life, I’ve come to realize that no matter what you think, no matter how hard you try to predict what may happen in the future, the truth is that you honestly never know.

You can have your whole life planned out and one small thing can change the course of your future. It’s almost unsettling; asking yourself what you should do, what you should plan, what goals you should work towards, what really is going to be worth it in the end. Yet we have no greater capabilities than to lift these questions to God in prayer and make the best decision that we can think through at that given time, whether it may have been the right decision or not. Only time will tell.

It has become mostly apparent to me that life cannot be lived a year at a time, or a month at a time, or a week at a time. Sure, you can make plans for a vacation, or towards other small things in life, but you can only truly get the most out of life when you’re doing the best you can with the day you’ve been given.

We aren’t promised 20 more years, we aren’t even promised tomorrow. We aren’t even promised another 5 minutes, but what we have right now – that breath you just took – was a gift; a gift of time. We are only human and not every moment will be spent as perfectly as possible, but we can strive to change the course of our future, the course of our actions, and the course of our thoughts. We can strive for the best moments, for moments of bliss, moments of happiness, moments frozen in time full of laughter and joy. Only then will thoughts of the future seem less frightening; less frustrating. Only when we make the best of each moment we have will we truly appreciate the life we’ve been given and live to become that greater person that we were meant to be.

So take a moment and don’t think of what you can do at another time to change your future, but rather what you can begin doing right now, with this very gift of life. Think of what you can do and do your best.

Life is not always meant to be easy nor is it always certain. Sometimes decisions in life hang in the grey area we wish didn’t exist. But only take a moment to think, lift the situation up in prayer, grab the Father’s hand, and jump two feet in. You’ll be rest assured that one way or another, you are doing the best you can do for the moment of time you’ve been given. You’ll continue to do the best you can with each gift of a moment you receive from now until the glorious moment when all fog shall be removed from our eyes and life will suddenly appear crystal clear; the moment life will no longer be uncertain but rather become a time of endless celebration and a time of timeless rejoicing.