From Feeling “Trapped” to Feeling “Free”

My husband and I (and our pups) just spent the last two days driving back up to Canada from the states. The past two weeks in the states have been phenomenal to say the least. I’ll write a post stating more of what we did later, but I experienced something tonight that I needed to feel, something I didn’t know would be possible for a very long time.

In high school, I lived in the “big city”. It was nice for the duration I was here, but when I left, I swore never to move back. I am a small town girl, and the big city is just not my scene.

When I graduated from university, I was able to get a job for the first year in a small town. Bingo! But when that maternity leave position ran up, so did my other plans.

I received a phone call from my superintendent that I had an interview scheduled in the “big city” on such-and-such a date at such-and-such a time. I hadn’t even been asked, I had simply just been told.

On that day, I drove to the city, did my interview, and of course, got the job. I couldn’t believe what was happening. The one place I never wanted to end up was the one place I was being told I had to be. I was angry for a very long time.

Eventually, I got to the point where I simply went around saying “God certainly has a sense of humour!” But my one year employment turned into two, then three, and currently on year four.

Reflecting on it, I knew God wanted me to be here. There were certain situations I had to encounter as a teacher to grow. There were painful moments I had to experience to become wiser. There were children who needed someone to advocate for them, and there were relationships built with students who just needed someone to listen that wouldn’t judge them. I was able to fill that place. As much as they think they have learned from me, I learned ever so much from them.

This year, when my big change from 6th grade to 2nd grade came, I couldn’t believe it was happening. As much as 6th graders stressed me out, I loved the counselling aspect; I loved the difficult questions. I felt like a stranger in grade 2. But of course, as time went on, it became easier and I was able to find aspects I liked. But I couldn’t help thinking, is this really where I’m supposed to be? Is this really what I’m still supposed to do?

I can’t really say it’s teacher’s burnout (though I’m sure some things are similar). It’s just the feeling of being “stuck”. No matter how many ways I looked at our situation financially, I could see no better opportunity to survive than where we were. We both hate living in the city, though I’ve come to see good parts about it and don’t hate it as bad as I used to. But when I can hear parts of my neighbour’s conversations, when my neighbours that I strive to be so nice to turn around and stab me in the back, and when I no longer see a way that Canadians are nicer than Americans anymore (sad reality from what I see here in the city), I know we aren’t really happy here. It’s not where either one of us want to be. So that’s when I realized something this weekend.

When we were finally finishing our drive, doing the same maneuvers through the city as we had done for years, we had come to the house, walked in, and I suddenly felt like I was in someone else’s house. I felt like a stranger walking into someone else’s life. It was a strange feeling. My husband did not experience the same thing, but for some reason, it was like I was that “spirit” looking at someone else’s world, an outsider looking in. Of course that feeling is over now, but that wasn’t the only feeling that came.

After driving for 2 days, we absolutely did not have the energy to go grocery shopping. So we went out for supper (our fridge is bare). On the way home from supper, it hit me. This city is no longer my jail. I no longer feel like I strapped to this city, unable to move. I no longer feel like the city is the pit that is going to swallow me whole to keep me here with no escape. I suddenly realized, with options my husband, my mother-in-law, and myself had talked about after Christmas break, the world is at our fingertips. It may not be a fun ride to make change, but to get out of the rut of tiredness, depression, and feeling “stuck”, a few months of painful change would be so worth it. It’s no longer an impossibly large, looming, unattainable vision, it is now a totally possible, difficult but doable task. And taking those chains off was the best feeling I could have ever experienced.

I know this post is kind of vague, but this year is a huge year of change. I cannot leak more information than is timely, but I can assure you this year is going to difficult but good. Stay tuned!

I Wonder If I Argue Too Much…

Sometimes I take a minute to sit back and reflect over what I do, whether it’s the direction my life is going in, or the way I handled a situation.

Recently, I’ve started thinking about my part in online discussions or arguments. In the past, I was the child who never spoke out. It was so bad, I would even have my younger sister go to the counter of a restaurant to get something they forgot to give me (even something as small as ketchup!).

When I first became (seriously) Christian, it was the same way. I was too scared that I didn’t know enough to speak out, or that I would be ridiculed because of information I didn’t have the answer to.

When I became vegan, it was the same thing. I didn’t feel I knew enough to speak out because I wasn’t the most “educated” or didn’t know “all the right answers”.

But as I continued to watch everyone else, I realized that you will never know everything. And besides, the best argument you have is your personal testimony, no matter whether it’s veganism, Christianity, or anything else. Nobody can argue what you’ve experienced. They can only argue facts and somehow even opinions (though I think everyone should be allowed an opinion).

The very first argument I ever felt brave enough to enter was between an atheist and a Christian. I couldn’t stand the picture of Christianity that the Christians were displaying that I felt compelled to go in and clear up the awful view. No, I was not trying to convert the atheist, I simply was explaining things she clearly had questions about and had been given a bad taste and picture of previously. By the end of the hour+ long conversation, she actually thanked me, and though she said she would not be considering becoming Christian at the time, she thanked me for being so understanding and being patient with my answers while explaining things in a different light than she had previously been shown.

To me, that should be the point of an argument or discussion. It shouldn’t be to fight or to prove one side better than the other. Of course I believe Christianity is the way, but I’m not going to force it down other peoples’ throats. God gave me my freedom of choice, so who am I to take it away from others? I can only present information and leave it up to them.

The next argument I ever went in on was not the same way. In fact, I got told to go take a nap along with being called many names. My whole point in that argument was that you can love people without supporting their actions. For example, you can love your child without supporting their drug use. You can support them for the good things, show them outwardly love, and even include them in normal things. But when an action they are doing goes against your beliefs or causes harm to either them or others, you don’t have to support that action. In no way does that mean you stop loving that person. But the group, or at least some people in that group, couldn’t accept that. I don’t know if I didn’t explain myself well enough, but I was in that conversation for several hours. It came to the point that I understood Christians were not going to be supported in that vegan group, and I respectfully excused myself from the group.

I don’t intervene in everything I see on the internet that I disagree with, but when it comes to things that harm others, when it comes to peoples’ health, or when it comes to slandering Christians, I try to go in and paint a different picture. Some people are accepting, some people will never be kind no matter what you say. I’ve been called a heap of names and been criticized against sometimes it seems like anything I say. Even when I’m remaining as polite as I can and stating again and again that nobody has to believe the same as I do, and that I will respect what they believe just as I would expect them to respect what I believe. It is possible to live in harmony without believing the same things (just look at the conversation with the atheist and I). But for some reason, I’m finding more and more people who cannot leave it that way.

I had a fellow Christian follow one of these conversations and eventually tell me that I should just end my conversation because the others (the main of which was apparently Hindu) was just going to keep coming up with every slandering thing and continue saying the worst possible portraits of Christianity they could. I just found it so sad. Sad that first of all, someone had views like that of what can be the most amazing faith. I know a lot of Christians call themselves Christian while living a very different life. Sad that also, someone who was a self-proclaimed “vegan” that is supposed to be filled with so much love could be so hateful towards Christians who honestly had done nothing wrong in this conversation but speak of the original diet in the Garden of Eden (vegan diet!). But as the other Christian woman suggested, I quit responding, despite the fact I continued to get blamed for things and called names in further comments.

I think about that conversation, and I continue to think of how I could have done it differently, what I might have done wrong. But the thing is, in every comment, I approached it in a very much “my experience was…” manner. I didn’t say that her beliefs were wrong, and I never discriminated against her, even telling her that I would continue to respect her and her choices. I don’t really want to continue the conversation, and I won’t, even though it’s hard to know that my name has been continued on in the conversation very negatively. I just don’t get it.

It makes me think… is there a point to me joining in these conversations? Is there a point when I’m just going to be downgraded and slandered by so many people? But then I also think of the vegan community who promotes standing up for those who are voiceless. I do think if you’re passionate about something, you shouldn’t just remain quiet about it, whether through actions or words. So do I just hold back my passion now that I finally feel brave to stand up for people? I mean, Christians in some of these groups literally get POUNDED into the ground by others, called every name in the book, their faith literally ridiculed up and down. I guess I feel like just by saying something (though again, not in a forceful way, often in a soft, from experience type of way) that they at least know someone is in their corner with them. I’m not afraid of being Christian. I’m not afraid of being vegan. I’m not ashamed of the things I believe. So if I get called names, it really doesn’t bother me. I don’t get as “heated” about these things as clearly others do. Temper control is not an issue for me in these conversations and part of me wonders if that’s what makes some people so mad. I don’t swear, I don’t believe in calling people names, I’m not that kind of person.

I don’t know… is it worth it or is it not? I guess I have just come to a place in my life where I’m content… maybe even more than content. For non-Christians, I know they won’t understand this, but for Christians who have experienced God saving their lives, they will know what I’m talking about. I can honestly say I’m filled with the joy of the LORD which makes everything surmountable. Months when we have less income, I don’t freak out anymore, because when I had no idea how we were going to survive before, God provided the money. I’ve totalled 2 cars, one that I in no way should have walked away from, but God protected me. I used to be so scared to face my mistakes and of punishments I may receive, but through God I know I have the strength to face whatever comes my way. I use to be so OCD about making sure everything was a certain way, but now I’m ok if things change. Even at work, when a wrench gets thrown in my plans, I don’t care. I’ve learned that nothing can be set in stone, but whatever may happen, God always provides. There is honestly little that upsets me. And why wouldn’t I want others to know that same feeling? Can you imagine a world where there was no stress, no worry, no panic? Can you imagine how much happier everyone would be? Can you imagine the amount of stress-induced illnesses that could be prevented? How can people not want a life like that?

Again, I’m not trying to force my lifestyle and faith down peoples’ throats. I always approach it in a way that I can share my experience and they can make their own choices past that. If that’s so wrong, then I don’t know how any conversation can take place. So I don’t know… what do you guys think? Is it worth the interjection in hopes that two fighting groups can maybe be a little more understanding and live in harmony? Or is it just a waste of energy? Maybe I try to play the “peacemaker” a little too much… I don’t know. Tell me what you think in the comments below.

Exercise on Vacation

As I said in previous posts, I was in New Brunswick for just about 2 weeks. Now, generally, the two main towns I spent the most time in do not have gyms. The city I was in had gyms, but I was staying outside of town and did not have my own vehicle.

Maybe you can relate to a situation like this. However, just because it’s a vacation doesn’t mean it isn’t important to take care of yourself and your health, so here’s what I decided to do:

I jogged/walked. At my mom’s, the town has a few different loops you can choose to take. At my dad’s, it was either risk running along the highway, or simply do laps around his house, which I more often did. At my favourite place in the world – St. Andrew’s – you can go anywhere on the walking trails or along the roads or along the ocean.

Now, I could have done plyometric workouts, but it was just so easy for me to wake up in the morning, drink down 1L of water, put on some shoes and go. Once I was out, there was no turning back until I was done. Then the rest of the day was mine for doing whatever I felt like.

And the best part? I got my family involved. My mom went with me, my brother went with me, I even took my brother’s dog, Charlie (a golden retriever), with me. People who love you will want to do things that you do just to spend more time with you. Plus, you never know who you are inspiring!

A good jogging and walking partner, and also a great passenger!
(Don’t worry, it’s a tiny town with speed limit of 30. Just hopping from the grandparents to the parents.)

Today I Was a Part of History

Our school has consistently been a K-9 school. Gradually, over the past few years, we’ve been adding one grade at a time until this year, we’ve succeeded in completing our goal of being a K-12 school.

Because this is our first grade 12 class, a lot of things had to be planned, including our very first graduation weekend! Although we only had 3 graduates, those 3 graduates whose parents believed in our school, have allowed us to help produce very academic and emotionally stable students. In fact, they didn’t want a big graduation, but would have preferred to receive their diplomas and walked out the door. But we couldn’t let our first grad class do that!

We planned an entire weekend of events. And all of the teachers in the school were given the option to march in full regalia in honour of our historical year. And I decided to take part in this major event! As the school evolves and things continue to grow and change, I will be able to look back and know I was a part of one of the biggest historical moments in our school. That’s pretty awesome!

In Memory of Dolce, My Baby

As I mentioned in my Spring Break post, one of the occurrences was that my little Dolce passed away. So in memory of him, I thought I would share his story.

Originally, I had fallen in love with a different skinny pig. I had gone to the pet store so many times over problems with my fish that eventually my perspective turned from “That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen!” to “I absolutely love him!”. The unfortunate part was that as I walked into the pet store just as this little girl was walking out with my skinny pig. I was devastated. My boyfriend (future husband) at the time was able to send me a list of other pet stores because my heart was too broken to go home without this skinny pig.

I made it to another pet store, and thankfully, there was one skinny pig. I picked him up happily and took him home. This became my Armani.

Armani was an amazing pet, got along well with my dog and everything, but he started screaming at night. Upon some research, I found out they were companion animals and so the reason for his screams was loneliness. Thus began the hunt for another skinny pig.

We just happened to find this “werewolf” skinny pig, about an hour’s drive away. We made that drive. Dolce was a pure black skinny pig. He was less friendly than Armani, but the two got along well. However, it wasn’t more than a few months, and suddenly, we came home and Armani was dead. There weren’t any fight marks or anything, and of course, the pet stores do not record the age of small animals, so I do not know the cause of his death. We watched closely to see if Dolce would be as lonely as Armani was, but he seemed to be fine on his own.

Through our remaining time with Dolce – 4 years – we moved twice, travelled with him to the states several times, and just had such fun with him through everything. He was our little buddy. But as he aged, and as his last week of life came (unknowingly), I was thankful to get to spend some extra time with him before he passed. He will always be my little buddy and I will miss him incredibly.

My little Dolce’s last bath, drying under a nice towel with his most favourite food in the world: carrots!

A Job That Makes Me Feel Loved

There is nothing better than knowing you are missed. And as a teacher, it is one of the things that keeps us going.

I missed Thursday due to the Immigration interview (or the attempt thereof). Following Thursday was a regular 3-day weekend. So I usually expect that by the time Monday hits, my kids will not only claim to have forgotten some of the skills they have learned (but seem to quickly remember when shown again), they will also forget that I was not present that day. I was quite surprisingly wrong.

When I came back to school on Monday, one of my students who is not always the most vocal and definitely not the most emotional walked straight in the classroom, first student in, and said, “You were very much missed on Thursday.” Wow. What a warm welcome to start my day. I love these kids. I love my job. It’s the moments like these that make my job worth all the sacrifices I have to make.

My Rib is Injured… Again!

Several summers ago, I got sick. The worst part of getting sick for me is always this nasty cough that I get. This particular summer, the cough was so bad that I heard a “snap” following a hard cough. I didn’t notice anything at first though I had a huge feeling that something was terribly wrong. It wasn’t until later that I figured it out.

I jumped in my father’s truck that he had let me borrow while working away. And as soon as I had jumped up into the seat, I felt it. It was a tight feeling at first, but then quickly developed into a bad pain. I could barely turn the steering wheel. In the short 5 minute drive to the trailer I was renting, I knew I had to call my mother to come drive me to the hospital. I had to wait a fair time for her as I was about 45 minutes away, but she quickly came and took me to the hospital.

The hospital was about another 30 minutes from where I was, and the wait at the hospital was about 2 hours. The problem was, by the time I was registered and sitting in the waiting room, I was having a hard time breathing. All I can remember is intense pain and focussing on low and shallow breaths.

We waited for awhile until my mother decided to check where we were on the list, only to find out that we had been bumped down rather than up and the wait from that point was longer than 2 hours. It hurts to breathe but I’m not a serious case? My mother was mad to say the least.

We hopped in the car, and headed to the next hospital an hour away. It was a shorter time than I would have had to wait at the first hospital, and this hospital took me in right away. The only problem was, I had popped a rib muscle, which the doctor promptly told me hurts as much as breaking a rib (crazy pain), and there was nothing they could do except give me Tylenol 3.

Now some people I knew would have gone crazy over Tylenol 3. My mother had a mini freak-out session about how I might become addicted to it, but after telling her everything would be fine, I got my prescription and was on my way.

It was a painful summer. The T3s didn’t touch the pain hardly at all. I always walked around with one hand putting pressure on that rib area. It was awful. Nothing but time was able to heal that wound.

Once again, I was sick a few weeks ago and the cough has mostly gone but not completely. I know my body has suffered a little more than normal (didn’t help when my chiropractor asked what happened except I had been doing nothing but sleeping and sitting on the couch, trying to get better), but my body still seemed in decent shape. I worked out this week and everything seemed good.

Last night was a chest workout, and even though I warmed up and stretched, in the very first exercise (bench press), my rib started to hurt. I can’t remember if it is the same side or not, but I’m pretty sure I popped a stupid rib muscle again. It hurts so bad and I have to put pressure on the area to even try to take a deep breath. My abs are also starting to hurt because of the way I have to modify my body when I need to cough. It’s miserable.

I had just gotten well enough to start back in the gym and this is what happens! Ah!

To be honest, I wasn’t going to complete my workout last night because of the pain. But as I sat in the locker room, looking at my open locker as I was going to change, I got mad, closed and locked my locker, and went out and did the incline dumbbell press. I’m pretty sure it was a very dumb idea. I’m pretty sure I made it worse. I had written down to do 4 sets of 12, but after 3 sets, I knew I was being ridiculous. I shouldn’t be mad, although it was hard to not at least be disappointed.

So here I am with heat packs and taking it easy. I would much rather be in the gym but I’ve done my damage and I should know better. Injuries are something to take serious and it’s very important to know when to quit. So learn from my mistake and save yourself some pain. I’m all about lifting heavy and “sucking-it-up” in most situations, but I felt the pain and knew I should have quit. Next time, I will.

Week 9 Day 7

Man, today I feel good! I woke up feeling amazing. In fact, I jumped right out of bed, walked the dogs, did some laundry, picked up some things around the house, was even going to dishes after I ate a hearty breakfast, but my husband woke up and so we got ready to go to church first.

At church, we had such an amazing sermon about true villains and heros, comparing the story of Ahab, Jezebel, Naboth and Elijah. It was about how we so easily pick out every else’s problems, yet we have enough of our own to fix. He mentioned how if you look throughout history, God did not keep people from making their own choices, but He did warn them about choices they made; that they would have to face the consequences of their choice. And yet, how truly in the end, we are the villains, the ones who do not deserve to live, the ones who are almost drawn to the bad things of this world, and how Jesus is the only true hero. It was so well presented. This pastor is still in training, not quite done his university career and yet he is so talented, so gifted. I’m so glad we went!

After church, we came home and took a nap. Yes, I know. My body felt so good, but I know I did damage this week, so if it wanted sleep, it got it!

Following our nap, we got up and went to the gym. I did not have near enough time to do the workout I was behind on, plus the workout I didn’t finish the day before, and so for this week, I’m a workout and two cardio sessions behind. It’s ok, it just means that this week, I’ll have 6 training sessions and 6 cardio sessions to do. Basically, I’ll be at the gym everyday. But hey, I love the gym, so that’s ok with me!

After we worked out, we came home, changed our clothing, and went out for a nice supper. Supper was absolutely delicious, but our night was semi-ruined when we came out to find someone had smashed the driver side mirror out of my husband’s truck, only to find it laying on the ground. We parked in a large parking space, beside a tiny car. It was obviously done by human contact. And the glass does not have any cracks in it, so it’s almost like someone pried it out. I don’t get it. I really don’t understand why people have to do these things. So now we need to see how much it will cost to replace and how much of the whole mirror area that we need to replace. My dreams of flying home for Christmas are going further and further away.

Following this, as you can assume, we went straight home and didn’t do much of anything for the rest of the night. We just took it easy, calmed down and tried to find something positive to think/talk about.

Week 9 Day 6

As one can only imagine, I felt awful when I woke up today. After having so many dreams last night, I felt like I had lived several nights in one. But I got up, ate some breakfast, then took care of my babies, took a shower and got ready for my chiropractor and acupuncture appointments that I was really looking forward to today. After this week, I needed the relaxing and adjustment times. But that’s when the problem began.

My car would not start. I don’t think it was just that the temperature was almost -30 Celsius, but something that won’t even allow the motor to really turn over more than once. The biggest thing is that I remember my car doing this last winter, I just don’t remember how we fixed it. But what really stressed me is that I missed my appointments. I called in of course, but this week I could have really used those appointments, so I was very upset.

I came in, and decided that since my car wouldn’t work, I should at least try to finish my work. But to no avail. My eyes were burning, my body just in a hateful mode, and my head had the worst headache I’ve ever had. So really I had no choice but to try and keep sleeping it off.

But wouldn’t ya know, this would be the day my dogs would decide to be whiney. I walked them twice as much as normal, even though I felt terrible, and I was just miserable with my body begging me to sleep.

I eventually did sleep and went through several more dreams as my brain continued to try and filter through the last few days, and as much as I hoped I would get rid of the headache, it was still there when I was woken up by my husband coming home.

He took me out for supper, and he graciously took me to the gym, even though it was his designated day off. I powered through as much of my workout as possible, and had to quit half way through. My body wanted to workout so badly, but as much energy as my body had, my head pounded harder with each exercise I did. I knew I’d regret it if I didn’t stop, but I also knew how unhappy I’d be if I didn’t get at least something done. I hated it. My body was going through the exercises with ease, only being stopped by the pain in my head. I just want to workout!!!

So I’m back home now, and laying in bed with my pounding head. Medicine doesn’t seem to touch it. I will be back at the gym tomorrow. I need to workout. My body needs the energy release and is tired of being dormant, and sitting, and grading. But for tonight, sleep in on the agenda. Hopefully, I’ll finally feel like a normal person again.

I’m Definitely a Morning Person! Are You?

It amazes me sometimes how much I can accomplish in a day. But the key to these productive days seems to be that I simply get up early!

It is not a problem for me to get up at 5:30 or 6:00 in the morning, jump out of bed with a goal in my head, and I immediately get to it, fresh with energy. No need to eat or anything until I begin to get tired of working or feel like I just need a couple minute break.

I’ve often sat and had the battle of whether I’m a night owl or a morning person, and though it’s nice to sleep in once in awhile, there’s no denying the productivity I have in the morning if I get up right away. You see, I can also stay up late. I definitely need to start going to bed earlier, but my husband is a night owl. He is definitely not a morning person. So usually I end up spending time with him in the evening meaning I’m up late and up early. It works, because I can get a lot of housework or schoolwork or whatever it may be, done before he gets up. I actually prefer it that way. We both go to the gym, so no early morning gym workouts for me!

On a regular day, before I go to work, I have done a load or two of laundry, a load of dishes, swept/organized the living room, got ready for the day, packed my lunch and breakfast, walked, fed and watered my dogs. But on a day like today, when I don’t have to work, I’ve already cleaned and organized my office (save for a 3 boxes that still need unpacked), the upstairs hallway and linen closet is all organized and cleaned, the bathroom is mostly straightened up, my breakfast is eaten, garbage taken out, 1/2 bin sorted through, and ready to conquer more!

So what are you: a night owl or an early riser? Do you find yourself more productive in the morning or the evening?