Water Fasting w/ Lemon – Healing Journey Day 5

Journal:
Today was my final day of water fasting, but I did it with a twist: I added the slices of one lemon to my water. Why would I do this? I figured it would be a good transition between water fasting to juice feasting while also giving extra motivation the final day of no eating with a beautiful taste. Lemons also have the most minimal calories so it is almost like I’m consuming nothing anyways.

Let me tell you, that first taste of lemon water was absolutely divine! I have never had better tasting lemon water. It was so satisfying and just simply amazing.

When I woke up this morning, I actually felt like a fairly normal human being for once! I cannot describe how nice it was to wake up not feeling absolutely worn out and tired already. I actually slept off and on all night, waking up every couple of hours. I was expecting to be extremely tired this morning. However, my stomach was not burning and didn’t start burning until later though much milder than the previous day. My limbs were not cold even though I didn’t have the heater on and I was not as tired as I thought I would be; I was fairly wide awake. It was honestly the most amazing feeling after days of not feeling good at all. I hadn’t had any lemon water by this point so I’m not sure why the change happened, but I will honestly say that I have never been so thankful to feel good.

So as mentioned, the stomach burning did happen shortly after I got out of bed. It wasn’t near as bad as before, but still something noticeable. Honestly, it was so mild I barely noticed it throughout the day. But in the very first part of the morning, not only did my stomach begin to burn a little (again probably from my body metabolizing fat stores), but I felt a little weak walking around. What fixed that? The blessed lemon water. Again, I cannot tell you what the little flavour and tiny calories of lemon in my water is doing for my body. I did not even squeeze the lemon into it. I simply sliced up a lemon, put it in my water bottle, and kept refilling with water as I ran out. I feel more stable and stronger when I walk though I can still tell I’m looking for opportunities to sit when possible and my energy is not back to where it should be. Still, the improvement is huge!

I got through my work day fairly well, though once again, about half way through the day, I was still looking for any opportunity to sit down and limit my walking. Of course, as the day went on, the lemon began to lose its strength of flavour. But something is still better than nothing!

After I got home, I had energy enough to actually sit upstairs and have a conversation with my housemates which was awesome. I did end up coming downstairs to my part of the house and decided just to lay down and watch some YouTube. Partly to rest my body, and partly because it was a hot day and I wanted to wait for the heat to die down before I ran any errands. I probably laid down for about an hour watching YouTube videos and then somehow fell asleep.

I did not feel so good when I woke up. My stomach was hurting again and almost felt like my stomach muscles were cinching just not to the level of being “pinched”. It was a dull but constant pain and not a sharp pain. I got a touch of the same acid reflux/heartburn feeling that I had yesterday and though I tried to use the washroom with the same proper posture I used yesterday, there was no success. My energy literally felt like it was drained from my body while I slept although I continued to drink lemon water after I woke up.

I made myself get changed for the gym and made it out to my car. I was taking many deep breaths for the rest of the night. I had to go to the store to buy a cable to tie my dog outside as he chewed through his soft leash and there are gaps in the fence that he can easily fit through. The cable is 15 feet long and he’s a miniature dachshund so that is tons of room for him to go through almost the whole backyard. But after I was done going through the store, I felt winded and awful. Still, I made myself drive to the gym.

After I got to the gym parking lot, I knew I had to make a choice. I could either force myself to go in and do a small cardio workout and risk the chance of feeling even worse than I did, or just go home and see if I could sleep it off. I decided to go home and try to sleep it off.

I think today has truly been the weakest and most uncomfortable I have felt yet. It is not pleasant though I think it is so weird how good I felt in the morning to how awful I felt towards the evening.

At this point, I’m kind of nervous about how my body will react to the introduction of juice tomorrow. I am excited that it’s the closest to “food” that I will have consumed in 6 days, but at the same time, with the way I feel, I’m not sure what my body’s reaction will be. I only pray that it is a good reaction and that it will help my energy come back.

In total, though it felt like I drank more, I only had about 2L of water today. I did savour the lemon flavour.

Review of Symptoms:
Acne is noticeably better today. No new pimples again and instead of being a brighter red, they are starting to pale-down. That is something to celebrate. Stomach burning has gone down significantly becoming almost unnoticeable. Waking up feeling refreshed and “normal” was a treat. Sleep was lacking as I woke up every couple hours throughout the night. Something odd that I noticed was the veins in my hands are much more visible. I have pale skin to begin with, but I can see many more veins than usual. Stomach cramping in the evening. Energy zapped in the evening.

Weight at the end of the day = 180.8 lbs (down 1.8 lbs in 24 hours, down a total of 8 lbs in 96 hours)

Total Calories = ~15-20 calories

From Feeling “Trapped” to Feeling “Free”

My husband and I (and our pups) just spent the last two days driving back up to Canada from the states. The past two weeks in the states have been phenomenal to say the least. I’ll write a post stating more of what we did later, but I experienced something tonight that I needed to feel, something I didn’t know would be possible for a very long time.

In high school, I lived in the “big city”. It was nice for the duration I was here, but when I left, I swore never to move back. I am a small town girl, and the big city is just not my scene.

When I graduated from university, I was able to get a job for the first year in a small town. Bingo! But when that maternity leave position ran up, so did my other plans.

I received a phone call from my superintendent that I had an interview scheduled in the “big city” on such-and-such a date at such-and-such a time. I hadn’t even been asked, I had simply just been told.

On that day, I drove to the city, did my interview, and of course, got the job. I couldn’t believe what was happening. The one place I never wanted to end up was the one place I was being told I had to be. I was angry for a very long time.

Eventually, I got to the point where I simply went around saying “God certainly has a sense of humour!” But my one year employment turned into two, then three, and currently on year four.

Reflecting on it, I knew God wanted me to be here. There were certain situations I had to encounter as a teacher to grow. There were painful moments I had to experience to become wiser. There were children who needed someone to advocate for them, and there were relationships built with students who just needed someone to listen that wouldn’t judge them. I was able to fill that place. As much as they think they have learned from me, I learned ever so much from them.

This year, when my big change from 6th grade to 2nd grade came, I couldn’t believe it was happening. As much as 6th graders stressed me out, I loved the counselling aspect; I loved the difficult questions. I felt like a stranger in grade 2. But of course, as time went on, it became easier and I was able to find aspects I liked. But I couldn’t help thinking, is this really where I’m supposed to be? Is this really what I’m still supposed to do?

I can’t really say it’s teacher’s burnout (though I’m sure some things are similar). It’s just the feeling of being “stuck”. No matter how many ways I looked at our situation financially, I could see no better opportunity to survive than where we were. We both hate living in the city, though I’ve come to see good parts about it and don’t hate it as bad as I used to. But when I can hear parts of my neighbour’s conversations, when my neighbours that I strive to be so nice to turn around and stab me in the back, and when I no longer see a way that Canadians are nicer than Americans anymore (sad reality from what I see here in the city), I know we aren’t really happy here. It’s not where either one of us want to be. So that’s when I realized something this weekend.

When we were finally finishing our drive, doing the same maneuvers through the city as we had done for years, we had come to the house, walked in, and I suddenly felt like I was in someone else’s house. I felt like a stranger walking into someone else’s life. It was a strange feeling. My husband did not experience the same thing, but for some reason, it was like I was that “spirit” looking at someone else’s world, an outsider looking in. Of course that feeling is over now, but that wasn’t the only feeling that came.

After driving for 2 days, we absolutely did not have the energy to go grocery shopping. So we went out for supper (our fridge is bare). On the way home from supper, it hit me. This city is no longer my jail. I no longer feel like I strapped to this city, unable to move. I no longer feel like the city is the pit that is going to swallow me whole to keep me here with no escape. I suddenly realized, with options my husband, my mother-in-law, and myself had talked about after Christmas break, the world is at our fingertips. It may not be a fun ride to make change, but to get out of the rut of tiredness, depression, and feeling “stuck”, a few months of painful change would be so worth it. It’s no longer an impossibly large, looming, unattainable vision, it is now a totally possible, difficult but doable task. And taking those chains off was the best feeling I could have ever experienced.

I know this post is kind of vague, but this year is a huge year of change. I cannot leak more information than is timely, but I can assure you this year is going to difficult but good. Stay tuned!

Life Update: School, Veganism, Gym, Dogs, Neighbour, New Car, My Niece

It has been so long since I’ve written, and I am so very sorry. Life has a way of getting away from you, that’s for sure!

There are so many things to cover in my update, but I will try to keep them short!

School

The school year started in a rush. I still wasn’t settled in my new position of grade 2 teacher (I’ve been in grade 6 for 4 years). I wasn’t able to move into my classroom officially until the day before school started. So it was a whirlwind of a set-up and start to the year. Books didn’t come in on time, I wasn’t able to go through all of my resources during the summer because everything was boxed to move and then my classroom had work done. What a crazy, crazy start to the year.

Fast forward to now, and I finally feel settled in. Of course, it’s a new curriculum, and teaching grade 2 is nothing like teaching grade 6, but I appreciate it now. I am so much busier than I was in grade 6, I never have a spare minute for anything, but I like my new place and I love my students, so I am happy for the change.

Veganism

I’m still a vegan. However, with the crazy start to the year, the deadlines and all of that teacher-related stuff, my diet became one of convenience. I buy the pre-made vegan pizzas and all of that pre-made junk. I have gained way too much weight just for convenience. I hate it. I don’t like the way I look. I hate that my clothes are tight. I hate the way I even feel after eating the junk. I’m in the transition to a much better vegan diet. I’m cleaning it up by going back to more veggies and fruit, trying to get in one juice every morning. I just feel better when my food is fresh and I am in control of all the additives that is in my food. Fresh is best people!

Gym

My husband and I fell off the gym wagon. We just didn’t go when we should have, we got lazy, we just didn’t do what was good. So, this past week I’ve start going to bed earlier and waking up earlier. I did buy 2 ellipticals (used), but I don’t have room in my house yet (working on it!). So I still drive to the gym in the mornings to do 20 minutes of cardio. I then sneak in the afternoon/evening to the gym to do weight lifting. Unfortunately, that means I don’t really workout with my husband so much anymore, but he is not a morning person, and quite frankly, I do so much better in the mornings. So this is what works!

Dogs

I’m still dreaming of a yard that my dogs can play in. We haven’t moved yet. But a friend of mine introduced me to a part of one of our city’s parks that has an off-leash dog area! My dogs bark so much at others at first, but the more we go, the better they do. The last time, they would barely look at dogs while they were walking past them. I’m so proud and it’s so good for them to get their energy out with the freedom of being off leash. I love it. I’m not sure what we’re going to do when winter hits (since their legs are so tiny), but we will have to figure out something.

Neighbour

It’s been awhile since I posted about neighbour issues, but a long time ago, our neighbour caused us to send 2 of our dogs to live with my family. They said the dogs were barking too much (on a day I was home), and all that wonderful jazz. Recently, my neighbour has been very helpful. When people were trying to break into my husband’s truck one night, she called the police. She warned me about people stealing things out of vehicles, she congratulated me on my new vehicle, and we’ve had some decent conversations. I think my neighbour has warmed up to me! Which is awesome! I actually enjoy having my neighbours now!

New Car

So, with the problem my car was having (anytime it was put in reverse, it accelerated and would almost run into the neighbour’s place or whatever was behind me), it was time to get a safer, new vehicle. I have loved the Mazda CX-5 for years, and so we went to see that first. I absolutely LOVED it and ended up getting it right away. I cannot tell you what a blessing it is to have a nice, safe, good vehicle. I am thankful every time I drive it.

My Niece

I’m so excited to announce that my sister gave birth 2 days ago to my niece! I am so smitten, totally in love, and wishing flights were cheaper so I could fly home to see her in person. I’ve been so excited as this is my first biological niece, my father’s first biological grandchild, my one grandmother’s first biological great grandchild, my other grandmother’s first great granddaughter, my step dad and mom’s first grandchild, etc… It’s such a special child and everyone got to be there! Ah! I’m so happy, I can’t even tell you. The second I get to see her, I’m not going to let her go!

When You Know You’re In The Right Place

I had an amazing experience yesterday and I thought I’d share it with you all as some of you may be blessed by something similar to what I was.

I went to a church that I’m definitely not a stranger to. I went there all the time as a youth, knew the senior pastor well, and have been teaching for a few years with the pastor’s wife. There are two churches in my city that I consider “home”, and this is one of them. I still go there every so often. But yesterday seemed so different.

When everything was going against me, and the devil truly was trying to distract me as much as possible so I wouldn’t make it to church, I was embarrassed  to find out I was almost 10 minutes late. I hate being late. And so naturally, I was down on myself for not making it there on time. But when I went through the front doors, the greeter who was trying to pay attention to the song service, raced right over, gave me such a welcoming greeting, and offered me a bulletin. I know the greeters are normally nice, but it seemed a little extra today.

I then went over to the doors to enter the sanctuary and a man raced over saying, “Let me get the doors for you.” Wow! Talk about such friendly service today.

I then went and sat down by myself. The row in front of me was full. I was thankful I hadn’t missed all of song service because it’s my favourite part. I seem to connect with Christ the best with worship music. There’s just something about a whole congregation of people coming together to sing praises to God.

Worship service concluded, the sermon proceeded, and everything went well. But it was after closing prayer, as everyone was getting up to leave, that the man directly in front of me turned around and told me what a beautiful voice I had. He waited throughout the entire sermon to tell me that! But to make matters even more special, let me give you a little background.

Someone very close to me used to love hearing me sing. I am definitely a person who needs encouraging words, and so when someone says that kind of thing to me, it means a lot. The past couple years, this person has gone so far as to tell me to stop singing and that I ruin music when I sing along to it. There’s been a lot of hurt over it, but as per everything else, I just learn to deal with it.

Now fast forward to the first person in years, a complete stranger, who took the time and effort to tell me I had a beautiful singing voice. Can you imagine how refreshing that was for me to hear? I almost cried. But instead all I could do is say the biggest thank you. Truly, despite being late, despite the devil trying to prevent me from going to church, church was truly the right place for me to be. ❤

Holding Grudges is Dangerous

Have you had any experience with holding grudges? Perhaps you have, or perhaps you know someone who has. Either way, maybe you’ll relate to some of the things I’ve known and experienced from the dangers of holding grudges.

I don’t know why it started, but I can remember the first time I stopped holding grudges. I was fairly young. My sister had done something I was extremely mad about (can’t remember for the life of me what it was!). I sat in a very grumpy mood, refusing to talk to her and just being miserable.

We were heading across the border from New Brunswick to Maine (typical thing for NBers to do to get things cheaper since it’s so close), and I somehow just knew that being miserable was going to get me nowhere. So in my head, I said, “This is enough. This is done. Get over yourself and just be happy and nice again.” And I did. That simple. And I’ve tried to keep up the same thing every time for the rest of my life. Holding grudges is just not something I do.

Grudges are dangerous. Here are some reasons why:

#1: You become miserable. Not just to the people you’re holding the grudge against, but also to everyone else. Keep this up long enough, and you’ll eventually find yourself miserably lonely. The misery will not stop.

#2: You’re really damaging yourself. Stress is one of the number one killers. It causes so many diseases and health conditions. You aren’t actually getting back at the other person, you’re damaging yourself. So realistically, this is pointless.

#3: It truly damages your relationships. Nobody likes a complainer. Nobody likes miserable people. And as many of us know, the words that come out of your mouth can NEVER – I repeat – NEVER take that back. Even if someone can forgive you, it doesn’t mean they forget. Be careful of the daggers that shoot out of your mouth because one day, you may completely regret what you’ve done.

#4: Half of the time, honestly, they aren’t that big of a deal. I cannot tell you how many times I’ve seen people hold grudges over the tiniest of things. I mean, really? Sure, be mad about it at first, but get over it. Think of the long run. Think of tomorrow and what if you wake up but the other person doesn’t. Will you be happy with the way you left things? It’s a very serious question.

#5: Sometimes grudges are brought on from misplaced anger. Are you really mad about the one thing, or is there something else that is driving the reason behind why you’re upset? It’s something to really consider.

Anyways, those are my 5 reasons that I’ve come to know why grudges are simply terrible. Can you think of anymore? Leave it in the comments below!

The Penalty of Standing Out

I hate the way the world works sometimes. I hate seeing people in pain. I hate watching people getting picked on or bullied. I hate sin and wrong-doings in this world.

When I was going through my university years, completing my education degree, I had a desire to work with special needs children. It wasn’t because I looked forward to the extra work that often comes with special needs children, but because I wanted to make a difference. I knew special needs children were often put down and sometimes stared at as if the were a circus sideshow. I knew I could step up and be the voice of those children, and I knew that I could help those children feel as important as they are. But that’s not what happened.

At first I ended up teaching at a Native School. It took me awhile to learn the different dynamics needed to teach students who come from a history of anger. It was a definite learning curve in understanding the culture, the behaviours, and the thoughts about different things. But one of the things I found is that my classroom was often their safe place. My classroom was the one place they could count on someone being there to love them. I was a safe place for these kids.

Now as much as I loved being in that position, time would have me change again. This time, to a place where I wasn’t such a safe place. These kids did not need me (or at least felt like they didn’t). The attitudes were indifferent, the gratitude was gone. I really struggled at first to see how in the world I could make a difference when my students were convinced they had everything the needed.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t my first year that I figured it out. It was my second and my third that really opened my heart. I realized that maybe I wouldn’t be able to reach all students, even though I try. But there is at least one in each class who needs someone they can trust; someone they can break down their barriers and let them truly see the inside that they keep.

It broke my heart when the first student really let me in their life. The amount of background some of these kids hide is disheartening. It sometimes makes you wonder how they even function. It’s no wonder some of them put up a tough-front at school. Some of them are simply caught in that worldly struggle: the one where they are fighting between being good and doing what they know is right, and doing what the world expects and wants them to do. Absolutely the struggle gets worse as the generations get older. It’s sad in the very least, but it does, unfortunately, exist.

I witnessed something that brought this whole thing up in my mind. A situation that brought up a whole slew of memories.

One of my students is running for class rep in the upcoming school year. She’s an awesome student, wonderful in both academics and her Christianity. Unfortunately, she is one in very few that does not struggle with desires to be popular. She will not swear because others are doing it. She does not talk about inappropriate things because she has no interest. She knows what she believes and she sticks to it. She knows what is right, and that is what she does. And it has made her unpopular in her class.

Today, the vote was completed. And though she almost perfectly fits the description of the position she is running for, more votes were left blank than were voted in favour. My heart sank and my blood boiled a little. If there were legitimately good reasons for not letting her have the position, then I would accept that. But I know it’s because they are upset the one person they wanted to run wasn’t able due to his grades. Whether it’s an expression of bitterness or anger, is it right to decline someone that not only wants the position, but is ready, willing and capable of doing it well?

I don’t know what the right solution is. After all, voting is an expression of your opinion. But my heart aches in knowing that the reasons behind the reactions are wrong. And that bothers me. Someone who perfectly is capable of doing something so well, being held back by unpopularity, is wrong. It takes me right back to my whole philosophy of teaching, and that is that students are capable of more than they are doing, and standing up for those who don’t have as much of a voice.

I grew up in public schools where situations are much worse than I have ever experienced in my years of private school. I have seen “losers” beat up for simply not being good enough for others. I have seen the separation and isolation of those who needed the extra pull-out help and did not think like the others. I have seen students dragged from classrooms because they were acting out in anger about their situations. It’s not pretty.

One year, we did a fundraiser where the boys provided a lunch, and we bid on these “anonymous lunches”. When the bidding was done and every girl had her lunch, then the boys would reveal themselves and we would share lunch with them. I just happened to get one of those classmates that was always taken out for extra help, and who had problems with his anger, reacting from the situations he was in and the way he was treated.

I will forever regret the way I treated him.

I didn’t say anything mean, but that’s simply because I didn’t say anything at all. I was silent the whole time. And now I cannot even go back and apologize for being “snobby” because he was killed in a car accident several years ago (I think I was still in high school). That’s guilt that I have to live with, and guilt that started to change the way I reacted to people.

The one girl that was dragged from our classroom was probably the lowest person in our class. She didn’t always take showers, and she didn’t come from the most well-off family. In fact, I actually don’t know how she was treated at home. But what I do know is that people didn’t like her and daily made fun of her. I will never forget the one day she came up to me and told me that I was her role-model. I didn’t try to be anyone’s role-model, I just tried to talk to her and be nice when others wouldn’t. And look at the difference that made on her life. The simplest of acts I could have done, and it literally changed her world.

Now I’d like to say others followed, but they didn’t. I’d like to say her life changed for the best, but it didn’t. I did manage to get in contact with her again during university, sadly to find out she was pregnant and the baby’s father wanted nothing to do with her as soon as she became pregnant. As a matter of fact, he ran out with another girl and married her very shortly afterwards. And to make matters worse, he called social services claiming she was an unfit mother and had her baby taken away. In no way did her life get better.

I’m sad to say I’ve lost contact with her. My only method of contact no longer seems to work. I do pray for her, that things work out and she’s able to have her baby back in her life. I know she was fighting hard for him. But I pray God’s love surrounds her and God-willing, I will be able to connect with her again.

I truly, truly do hate the world treats people that are different – people that stand out from everybody else. I had the position of popularity and I misused it once. But I promise to do my best to never misuse it again. When a situation arises where someone needs a voice, I wish to be that voice for them, to stand up on their behalf. Just because you don’t think the same as everyone else or do the same things everyone else does is not a reason to be treated so badly. Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Make a difference in someone’s life. Even if it’s just one person you’ve helped, you’ve literally just changed a person’s entire world. Do what you can and don’t delay. You never know the good you can leave behind.

When I Realized My Grandfather Really Wasn’t Coming Back

Something happened today that really jarred my memory and brought me to write this post. I saw the following picture on Facebook and it got me thinking about my grandfather.

It took me right back to the moments where I can remember thinking about him and instantly started crying. Even now writing this, I can feel the water filling up in my eyes. I know many of you will say that you have/had an awesome grandfather to, but I’d like to take a minute to tell you about mine, and how special he truly was.

I guess it starts when my mother became pregnant with me. My parents were not married. I guess my grandfather liked my dad, but he was very upset about the whole situation and didn’t talk to my mother for days. However, being the man that he was, he still bought her a crib and everything she would need for me, even though he wasn’t talking to her. He was always that way, taking care of things even when he was upset.

Of course, as soon as I was born, he was completely smitten. My mother is a child of two, but lived very much a single child’s life. She never met her brother as he died on a surgery table a few months after he was born. That meant, I was the first and only grandchild.

My parents didn’t stay together very long. They did get married after I was born, but separated when I was about 4, officially divorcing when I was around 5. Where do you think we went back to? My grandparents. In fact, their home was very much “home base” my entire life.

My grandfather always spoiled me (and later my other siblings). I have pictures where my toys barely fit in the picture with me. My father told me that I would get tired of opening gifts because there were simply so many. I had this 6″+ man wrapped around my tiny finger. There’s no denying he loved me.

My grandfather was a used car salesman. In fact, it was my mother’s company that he worked for her since she dropped out of college to be home with me. The company was even named after my sister and I. But eventually he took over the company and changed its name since he did become the only one running the business.

I used to love visiting him at his office. My grandmother and I would get lunches for him, he would let me sit in his office chair, I would be called his “Number 1 Dudette”, and I loved the fact that everywhere we went, people always knew and respected my grandfather, and thus treated me as if I was a special person. I had never met anyone who didn’t know or like my grandfather.

If you could imagine the biggest realistic playground in the world, that would be my grandfather’s car lot. He gave me access to all the keys and vehicles in his lot. I can still remember the amount of fun we had pretending to drive the cars, and especially in exploring the only RV I remember him having. Only once did he ask me to backup a truck into a corner spot. My mother sat in the passenger seat with me, and I remember learning really quick to use my mirrors. I was so scared I would mess up his vehicles in this tight spot. But I did it! I still can’t believe he trusted me…

If I could compare him to anything, it would very much be the godfather. I’m not joking when I say that everyone seemed to know who he was. He was an amazing man when he was happy, but he was always a man you feared when he was unhappy. I don’t remember him every getting mad at me, but it was a general rule that when he came home, the remote control to the television had to be in the right spot for him to lay on the couch and watch what he wanted. He became upset if the remote went missing. There were just certain things you knew not to do.

Sometimes, my grandmother and him would fight. I’m sure there’s not a couple in the world who has not at least had one argument. Sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, this meant he would stay at his office for the night. It was a conveniently built, small building that contained 3 rooms and a tiny hallway. One room was “the office”. The second room was of course a washroom. And the third room was his bedroom. It contained only a tv, a bed, and a mini fridge. It pretty much had everything he needed if he needed a night away. So it was a fairly normal occurrence for him not to come home sometimes.

The best thing about my grandfather was that he was always there for us. There was a time when we didn’t have the most money, and work was slow. My grandfather always provided what we needed, and then some. Most of you know that I have moved like 20 times with my family, not including on my own. The one person who was always there, regardless of where we were, was my grandfather. He never missed an opportunity to come and stay with us. (Of course I should say my grandmother always came with him as well, but I will dedicate a post to her another day.) He was honestly one of the biggest constants in my life.

When my family made the official decision to move from the east coast to the west coast, my grandparents offered to bring my sister and I out at the end of summer so that we could spend the extra time with our father. It was a fair bit of a long drive, but even then my grandfather trusted me with reading the map (before GPS systems). I almost think his belief in me helped me grow to the independent woman I am today. I have a lot to credit him for.

They stayed with us at our new place for a few days. Early in the morning, him and I would get up and drive to a hotel or another homey restaurant to eat. He was not a chain-restaurant type of person. Even back in the town he worked, he had one particular restaurant he preferred to eat at, and everybody knew his specials and what he enjoyed eating. He always preferred the homestyle cooking. In fact, he met my grandmother while she was waitressing at such a type of restaurant. My family and I have visited that restaurant a few times and imagined what it must have been like. They still have the juke boxes and the old stools. Sometimes it’s nice to preserve history rather than to embrace change.

We then took a trip to the “big city” so my grandparents could see it before they left. We had a lot of fun. At one point, we lost my grandfather in the big mall. I’ll never forget him driving around on those motorized scooters for people who can’t walk well. He had even gotten an orange smoothie and I guess spilled it all over the machine. If you knew my grandfather like I did, you would picture him using colourful language for the time he was mad, then acting like nothing ever happened.

I don’t remember how we ever found him, but I can tell you it was one of the hardest good-byes of my life.This wasn’t just moving a few hours away, this was a four day drive across the country. Of course they would come visit again, but the visits would never be as frequent as before. What I didn’t know was that my tears would get worse before they ever got better.

Literally two or three days after we returned to our new home, I got a call from my grandmother. It sounded like her for sure, but something was a little different. She asked to speak to my mom pretty much right away, so I gave my mom the phone and sat on the landing of the stairs. My mother took the phone into her room which was at the top of the stairs. The next words I heard told me pretty much everything I didn’t want to hear. She said, as she began crying, “Oh Mom!”.

My grandparents had been involved in a car accident on their journey home. An impatient driver went in their lane to pass a semi-truck and didn’t see my grandparents van coming at them. My grandmother was in the hospital, a little bruised but otherwise ok (she would later need nose surgery to correct the alignment). My grandparents’ friend who was helping them drive home had so many broken bones, including ribs and shoulder, and would also need counselling for what happened (he was driving at the time – completely not his fault). But my grandfather didn’t make it.The speed they were traveling on the highway, and the impact of a completely head-on hit left the vehicle in shambles and took my grandfather with it.

Immediately, we packed and drove back to the city. I thankfully had a great aunt and uncle who lived just outside the limits and welcomingly invited us in until we could all make arrangements to fly home. My mother was able to fly right away to be with my grandmother, but there were 4 more of us to fly, and we had to wait for a cheaper ticket to afford it.

It was so strange when I got home. Being in my grandparents house seemed so normal. I mean, I was only at my “new home” for less than a week. I had no attachments to it and didn’t even have to act like it was supposed to be my new home. I had come home and it felt like life should be normal again.

I know I cried a few times, but I remember just having the attitude and thoughts of “My grandfather is just at his office, staying the night like he usually does. Sometime he’ll come home.”

I still remember it as clear as yesterday: My mother and I were sitting in the living room, on separate couches, not talking much as we didn’t for a while, and her saying the exact same thing that I felt – that Grampy was just at his office and sometime he would come home. And it hit us right then that we had to realize it was wasn’t true, that Grampy really wasn’t coming back. I broke down (just like I am again now) because he was always there, for everything! How could he not come back this time! How could the one stable thing in my life not come back! It was so hard to accept.

Sitting in his house, seeing all of his old stuff, going to his office, it was all so hard to do when you realize the person who has always been there for you, the person who has loved you your whole life was suddenly gone. My nickname would never be used again, except when telling stories of him. My promise from him of giving me my first car would never come true. My life was drastically left with an empty hole that I’m not sure was ever filled again. Nobody could take his place, and I could never have been prepared for that instant change in time.

Life is not fair, and it never will be. The devil is waiting for any opportunity to attack and make a mess of things. He knows which strings to pull and he knows how to make things hurt you more than anyone else. He knows he can damage us and take away everything that means the world to us, which is why it’s so important to turn to God when you’re hurting, to let Him hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, because one day, it will. One day, when Jesus returns and we are taken to Heaven with Him, there will not be anymore pain, there will not be anymore death, there will not be anymore tears. I don’t know what my grandfather’s relationship with Christ was like. I know he sort of had a falling out at one point, but he insisted my mom make sure she took us to church. So I only hope and pray that he had a good relationship with God, because it would be so nice to run into those loving arms I miss so dearly, the loving arms that were missing during both of my graduations and my wedding, the loving arms that were taken away from me way too soon.

I miss this man more than anything, and truly just thinking of how much I miss him brings me to tears almost instantly. Hold your loved ones close and make sure you let them know how important they are to you. You never know which instant will take them away.

And… Patience is Tested Again!

So we got up nice and early, prepared everything necessary for the Immigration interview, and even landed a perfect downtown parking spot and made it inside the building half an hour early. We took the elevator to the second floor only to be shocked that there were approximately 30 other people in line ahead of us. Oh well, we’re here, this is the day, we’re going to get it done no matter how long it takes!

Once they finally opened, it took awhile for them to reach us in line. We finally reached the window after at least an hour and were able to register that we were there. Everything went well except my husband’s pictures were a little too big. This turned out to be alright though because they had another photographer on the first floor and there was obviously ample time to go get them done.

We took the elevator back downstairs, and got his pictures done. This only took a few minutes. In our stress throughout the morning, we did not eat anything. Knowing how big the wait was (or estimating), we went to the basement food court for some breakfast. My husband had a fresh cinnamon bun and I had a delicious chicken and pecan salad with a hard-boiled egg. This helped my stomach sit a little better going back upstairs.

We got back upstairs, and quickly found that all of the seats had been taken, and we resorted to sitting on the floor with others. We waited for quite awhile until a woman came out and announced that their computer systems went down and they weren’t able to get them back up. So they were calling people in one-by-one to get phone numbers to arrange for an appointment later on.

At first, I was so frustrated. It was in fact, my husband who put it back in perspective: we now get to spend a day together! So I snapped out of it, and after he gave them his phone number, we headed off to the mall.

We didn’t buy anything, but we just enjoyed some leisure time, walking around the mall and ate lunch at Moxie’s.

After we came home, we discovered a message on his phone. Immigration had called saying they were starting to interview people again at 1:00 but that they wouldn’t be able to take everyone since obviously they were trying to fit a whole day’s worth of appointments into a couple hours. We didn’t go.

I was a little upset, except my husband explained to me again that the end of the message also said “or we will arrange an appointment hopefully next week”. So on Friday, we got another letter saying that we have an appointment this Thursday again. Oh boy. Here go the nerves again. But this time, we will be an hour early. Praying that God continues to hold this whole situation in His hands.

Week 13 Day 1: Extended

So I did just what I said. I woke up bright and early, and got ready for the gym. I completed a harsh leg workout, but I ended up splitting the workout. I had only finished squats, hack squats and one-leg jumps before my husband woke up and wanted to come to the gym. So I finished up this round with 12 minutes of HIIT and went to get him.

We came back to the gym and I finished the remainder of my workout. For the first time ever, I enjoyed doing deadlifts. I felt strong and in control and I loved it! I almost cried doing 20 and 2s between prone leg curls and leg extensions. It really, really hurt. I also pushed super hard with leg press, using heavier weights again than usual. And as crazy as it was, I finished with my final and last 12 minute HIIT session. I’m completely done the challenge. All workouts and the equivalent for 4 cardio sessions a week completed. What a feeling!

I had taken some pictures two days ago of some ab outlines that I saw! I was ecstatic! And yet when I finished everything today, my pictures did not turn out the same way. I don’t know what I did! I was so depressed and almost ready to call the competition quits when I noticed someone had asked when the pictures were due, and our coach has given us an extra week to get pictures in! This was the hope I needed!

I’m going to monitor my diet very closely this week and try and get a picture to show the hard work I’ve done. I know my pictures won’t reflect the same fat loss I’ve seen from others, but I do want to be able to show what I’ve accomplished, and for whatever reason, my body does not reflect that today. So I’m going to take advantage of this week, and be watching for the opportune moment. It’s going to happen!

For the rest of the day, we didn’t get to the mall to shop for Christmas like we wanted, but we did go to a Mexican restaurant that we haven’t been to in a long time (I didn’t eat very much) and then we spent some time at Chapters. We absolutely love books and I was able to purchase my new agenda (what I used to write down my workouts) for the new year. It was a good night, and a day filled with hope. My husband is more or less in charge of my food and workouts this week, so let’s see how these pictures will turn out! The best part is, I don’t care if I win. It would be nice, but it’s ok if I don’t. I just want to see that hard work show!

Week 12 Day 6

This morning, I was on fire! I think that rest day was exactly what I needed.

I got up, got ready, took care of the animals and made it out the door, to both banks and the post office before arriving on time for my chiropractor and acupuncture appointments. The engine light is still on in my car, but the car runs, so I’m going with it! It was nice to get things accomplished and it was nice to be able to get to my appointments.

After my appointments, I went to the gym for some good cardio. I then went home, got my dogs ready, loaded them up, and took them to the vet. It was the day to get rabies shots, and the dogs all passed their exams with flying colours. I was very proud of them!

After we got home, my husband came home shortly after and was able to come with back to the vet (forgot the food and treats I had purchased) and to my oil change appointment on time. Seriously, I was on fire today!

We basically went home, ate, and got ready for the gym. I had an awesome, gruelling shoulder workout today, and was able to get in another cardio session when I was done with the weights. The challenge ends soon and I want to make sure I get all of the workouts and cardio sessions in!