When I Realized My Grandfather Really Wasn’t Coming Back

Something happened today that really jarred my memory and brought me to write this post. I saw the following picture on Facebook and it got me thinking about my grandfather.

It took me right back to the moments where I can remember thinking about him and instantly started crying. Even now writing this, I can feel the water filling up in my eyes. I know many of you will say that you have/had an awesome grandfather to, but I’d like to take a minute to tell you about mine, and how special he truly was.

I guess it starts when my mother became pregnant with me. My parents were not married. I guess my grandfather liked my dad, but he was very upset about the whole situation and didn’t talk to my mother for days. However, being the man that he was, he still bought her a crib and everything she would need for me, even though he wasn’t talking to her. He was always that way, taking care of things even when he was upset.

Of course, as soon as I was born, he was completely smitten. My mother is a child of two, but lived very much a single child’s life. She never met her brother as he died on a surgery table a few months after he was born. That meant, I was the first and only grandchild.

My parents didn’t stay together very long. They did get married after I was born, but separated when I was about 4, officially divorcing when I was around 5. Where do you think we went back to? My grandparents. In fact, their home was very much “home base” my entire life.

My grandfather always spoiled me (and later my other siblings). I have pictures where my toys barely fit in the picture with me. My father told me that I would get tired of opening gifts because there were simply so many. I had this 6″+ man wrapped around my tiny finger. There’s no denying he loved me.

My grandfather was a used car salesman. In fact, it was my mother’s company that he worked for her since she dropped out of college to be home with me. The company was even named after my sister and I. But eventually he took over the company and changed its name since he did become the only one running the business.

I used to love visiting him at his office. My grandmother and I would get lunches for him, he would let me sit in his office chair, I would be called his “Number 1 Dudette”, and I loved the fact that everywhere we went, people always knew and respected my grandfather, and thus treated me as if I was a special person. I had never met anyone who didn’t know or like my grandfather.

If you could imagine the biggest realistic playground in the world, that would be my grandfather’s car lot. He gave me access to all the keys and vehicles in his lot. I can still remember the amount of fun we had pretending to drive the cars, and especially in exploring the only RV I remember him having. Only once did he ask me to backup a truck into a corner spot. My mother sat in the passenger seat with me, and I remember learning really quick to use my mirrors. I was so scared I would mess up his vehicles in this tight spot. But I did it! I still can’t believe he trusted me…

If I could compare him to anything, it would very much be the godfather. I’m not joking when I say that everyone seemed to know who he was. He was an amazing man when he was happy, but he was always a man you feared when he was unhappy. I don’t remember him every getting mad at me, but it was a general rule that when he came home, the remote control to the television had to be in the right spot for him to lay on the couch and watch what he wanted. He became upset if the remote went missing. There were just certain things you knew not to do.

Sometimes, my grandmother and him would fight. I’m sure there’s not a couple in the world who has not at least had one argument. Sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, this meant he would stay at his office for the night. It was a conveniently built, small building that contained 3 rooms and a tiny hallway. One room was “the office”. The second room was of course a washroom. And the third room was his bedroom. It contained only a tv, a bed, and a mini fridge. It pretty much had everything he needed if he needed a night away. So it was a fairly normal occurrence for him not to come home sometimes.

The best thing about my grandfather was that he was always there for us. There was a time when we didn’t have the most money, and work was slow. My grandfather always provided what we needed, and then some. Most of you know that I have moved like 20 times with my family, not including on my own. The one person who was always there, regardless of where we were, was my grandfather. He never missed an opportunity to come and stay with us. (Of course I should say my grandmother always came with him as well, but I will dedicate a post to her another day.) He was honestly one of the biggest constants in my life.

When my family made the official decision to move from the east coast to the west coast, my grandparents offered to bring my sister and I out at the end of summer so that we could spend the extra time with our father. It was a fair bit of a long drive, but even then my grandfather trusted me with reading the map (before GPS systems). I almost think his belief in me helped me grow to the independent woman I am today. I have a lot to credit him for.

They stayed with us at our new place for a few days. Early in the morning, him and I would get up and drive to a hotel or another homey restaurant to eat. He was not a chain-restaurant type of person. Even back in the town he worked, he had one particular restaurant he preferred to eat at, and everybody knew his specials and what he enjoyed eating. He always preferred the homestyle cooking. In fact, he met my grandmother while she was waitressing at such a type of restaurant. My family and I have visited that restaurant a few times and imagined what it must have been like. They still have the juke boxes and the old stools. Sometimes it’s nice to preserve history rather than to embrace change.

We then took a trip to the “big city” so my grandparents could see it before they left. We had a lot of fun. At one point, we lost my grandfather in the big mall. I’ll never forget him driving around on those motorized scooters for people who can’t walk well. He had even gotten an orange smoothie and I guess spilled it all over the machine. If you knew my grandfather like I did, you would picture him using colourful language for the time he was mad, then acting like nothing ever happened.

I don’t remember how we ever found him, but I can tell you it was one of the hardest good-byes of my life.This wasn’t just moving a few hours away, this was a four day drive across the country. Of course they would come visit again, but the visits would never be as frequent as before. What I didn’t know was that my tears would get worse before they ever got better.

Literally two or three days after we returned to our new home, I got a call from my grandmother. It sounded like her for sure, but something was a little different. She asked to speak to my mom pretty much right away, so I gave my mom the phone and sat on the landing of the stairs. My mother took the phone into her room which was at the top of the stairs. The next words I heard told me pretty much everything I didn’t want to hear. She said, as she began crying, “Oh Mom!”.

My grandparents had been involved in a car accident on their journey home. An impatient driver went in their lane to pass a semi-truck and didn’t see my grandparents van coming at them. My grandmother was in the hospital, a little bruised but otherwise ok (she would later need nose surgery to correct the alignment). My grandparents’ friend who was helping them drive home had so many broken bones, including ribs and shoulder, and would also need counselling for what happened (he was driving at the time – completely not his fault). But my grandfather didn’t make it.The speed they were traveling on the highway, and the impact of a completely head-on hit left the vehicle in shambles and took my grandfather with it.

Immediately, we packed and drove back to the city. I thankfully had a great aunt and uncle who lived just outside the limits and welcomingly invited us in until we could all make arrangements to fly home. My mother was able to fly right away to be with my grandmother, but there were 4 more of us to fly, and we had to wait for a cheaper ticket to afford it.

It was so strange when I got home. Being in my grandparents house seemed so normal. I mean, I was only at my “new home” for less than a week. I had no attachments to it and didn’t even have to act like it was supposed to be my new home. I had come home and it felt like life should be normal again.

I know I cried a few times, but I remember just having the attitude and thoughts of “My grandfather is just at his office, staying the night like he usually does. Sometime he’ll come home.”

I still remember it as clear as yesterday: My mother and I were sitting in the living room, on separate couches, not talking much as we didn’t for a while, and her saying the exact same thing that I felt – that Grampy was just at his office and sometime he would come home. And it hit us right then that we had to realize it was wasn’t true, that Grampy really wasn’t coming back. I broke down (just like I am again now) because he was always there, for everything! How could he not come back this time! How could the one stable thing in my life not come back! It was so hard to accept.

Sitting in his house, seeing all of his old stuff, going to his office, it was all so hard to do when you realize the person who has always been there for you, the person who has loved you your whole life was suddenly gone. My nickname would never be used again, except when telling stories of him. My promise from him of giving me my first car would never come true. My life was drastically left with an empty hole that I’m not sure was ever filled again. Nobody could take his place, and I could never have been prepared for that instant change in time.

Life is not fair, and it never will be. The devil is waiting for any opportunity to attack and make a mess of things. He knows which strings to pull and he knows how to make things hurt you more than anyone else. He knows he can damage us and take away everything that means the world to us, which is why it’s so important to turn to God when you’re hurting, to let Him hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, because one day, it will. One day, when Jesus returns and we are taken to Heaven with Him, there will not be anymore pain, there will not be anymore death, there will not be anymore tears. I don’t know what my grandfather’s relationship with Christ was like. I know he sort of had a falling out at one point, but he insisted my mom make sure she took us to church. So I only hope and pray that he had a good relationship with God, because it would be so nice to run into those loving arms I miss so dearly, the loving arms that were missing during both of my graduations and my wedding, the loving arms that were taken away from me way too soon.

I miss this man more than anything, and truly just thinking of how much I miss him brings me to tears almost instantly. Hold your loved ones close and make sure you let them know how important they are to you. You never know which instant will take them away.

Working Out at Home Vs. the Gym

There are so many programs out there for people to workout at home. These workouts are usually efficient and tend to require minimal equipment. They are great for people on a low budget that can’t afford gym fees!

Little resources, time efficient, workout sufficient.

Now, the gym, we all know has most, if not all of the equipment you’d need for workouts. You don’t have to buy anything, but you do need to pay a gym fee. You also run the risk of going to the gym at peak hours where it may be crowded, a problem you definitely do not run into at home.

I could easily live at a gym ❤

I’ve tried both, I honestly have. But I can definitely tell you I prefer one over the other. Can you guess which one?

Incase you really aren’t sure, it’s definitely working out at the gym. I just seem to lose so much motivation at home. I can think of so many things that need to be done, and I really don’t like trying to exercise and yet watch the TV at the same time to figure out if I’m doing the exercises properly.

At the gym, I have tonnes of people (or a few people if I’m lucky) that are all there for the same reason as I am: to workout! It’s a metal playground, a place where the only thing I can do is get fit! I love every minute of it. I could workout for hours if I had the time. Yet at home? I find it hard enough to make it through 30-45 minutes.

I’m a gym girl. Which are you?

Week 2 Day 2

I woke up today still not feeling the greatest. But, it was a “Fun Day” for the students which meant we were going to a large recreational center where they could swim, play on a large indoor playground, hang out in the Youth Lounge (games), play sports in the gym, go skating, and eat at a food court. All the teachers were required to do was stay at their stations to make sure everything went well. It was an easy day to handle when you don’t feel well.

A mistake I made was that I didn’t get up early enough to finish packing my food. So I did hit a sugar low in the afternoon with nothing to make up for it. I’m not diabetic, but I’m pretty sure it was low sugar because that’s the only thing I can think of that would have made me feel like I did.

Thankfully, the food court had an Extreme Pita where you can pick what you want to fill your pita with. Easy again to fit your macros.

It was a long day at work with a very serious meeting I had to attend after school. But it wasn’t until I got home that I realized I had a headache. As usually, my husband came home and wanted to take a nap before we went to the gym. But as the time went on, I noticed my headache was pretty much like someone taking a hammer to my head.

Now, I’ve worked through headaches before. I’m used to going to the gym no matter what unless I’m on bed rest for being so sick. But this headache was quite possibly the worst headache I’ve ever had, so I knew it was probably best to stay home and try to sleep it off. No medications or liquids were helping. So I set my alarm for 4:15 a.m. and headed to bed.

Can’t Get to the Gym? Find a Playground!

With all of our car troubles, and lack of vehicle involvement, my husband and I have struggled the most with being able to workout at the gym. I cannot tell you the amount of frustration it has put on us. Both of us love to workout, and both have visions in our heads of how we want our bodies to look, and yet we have no access to our gym. What we do have, is a playground in the next block.

Playgrounds vary on the equipment that they offer. But usually, there are a few components that most playgrounds will have.

#1: A slide. What is it that slides have that are useful? The stairs. Not only can you use them for simply doing stair workouts, but you can also use them to do body weight calf raises! 

#2: A field/Boundary of the Playground: Run Baby Run! Cardio is one of the easiest things to fit in, but if you lack the use of a timer, count laps instead! Run 2-3 laps around the playground, then walk one lap. Get in your HIIT by counting laps. Even run 1 lap, and walk 1/2 a lap. It’s so much easier to count with landmarks than trying to keep count in your head. If there is a field? Sprint to the other side and walk back, repeating several times. Even do lunges around the perimeter of the playground. 

#3: Bars for assistance: Can’t do full push-ups on the ground? Do them from a bar on the playground. Can’t do one-legged squats without something to hold on to? Use the assistance of bars from the playground. 

#4: High bars that children often use to swing from or climb on: Hello pull-ups and chin-ups! You can also do hanging leg raises.

#5: A very low bar over the ground: Lay out as straight as you can and do rows by pulling your body up to the bar.

#6: Platforms: Hello jumping! Do jump squats, practice jumping higher and higher, box squats if you would like. Many uses of a normal platform.

#7: Be creative! Just because you don’t have a gym, doesn’t mean you can’t still work out some major body parts by using playground equipment. Remember, something is better than nothing!

Bonus: Have children? Guess who can play while you’re working out! No babysitter needed!

My husband and I have been doing this for over a week now. And let me tell you, compared to what I was doing at the gym, I thought this was nothing! But by doing full body workouts, 3 days a week, I have been incredibly sore! It’s causing me to push my boundaries. There are no assisted machines here. It is all or nothing! 

What I usually do is what is listed above, come home, and do more crunches, should raises using a kettlebell, and bicep curls using a kettlebell. You can find 5-15 lb kettlebells for fairly reasonable prices at many stores, and this way, you can have something to do even if you’re lacking a gym. Trust me, it works!

Just an extra website that I invite you all to check out: theworkoutmama.com 
She has tonnes of other workout ideas for playgrounds and living healthy with children. Although it is geared towards people with children, she is has inspiring tips for busy people, as well as eating and living healthy. Seriously, check her out.

It Is Not A Diet! It Is A Lifestyle Change!

I have been eating healthy (most of the time) for probably somewhere between a year and a half to two years. Basically, that meant calculating the proper amount of macronutrients (protein, carbohydrates, and fat) to give me the healthy calorie deficit needed in order to lose the weight I wanted while still being “full” and energized throughout the day. Of course, along with this came the elimination of unhealthy foods, and a substantial increase in the amount of healthy food intake.

Though I have not been completely ate “clean” each and every single day, I have more or less stuck to a clean diet during that time. The days I haven’t eaten clean are mainly around the holidays and for the period I used to eat one cheat meal per week. For those that don’t know, a cheat meal is a meal where you can eat whatever you want. Just remember, it’s only once a week. If you can get by without any cheat meals at all, it is so much better. But especially for those starting out with eliminating unhealthy foods that they are used to eating, sometimes that one cheat meal every week is what keeps them on track.

After awhile, of regularly exercising 5-6 times a week, and eating clean as consistently as possible, I was able to drop 40 lbs in a year. I am 5′ 9″ and I went from 169 lbs down to 130 lbs. I felt an incredible amount of difference! Was it easy? No way! Does it take a lot of work and a lot of mental effort? Oh yes! Is it worth it? There’s nothing better!

Most of my life, once I had hit 5′ 9″, I hung around 140 lbs. However, as university would have it, I hit 169 lbs in my final year. It was a mix of no sleep, constantly on the go, and therefore eating horribly. I would hardly eat anything all day, and then when I would eat, I would have a bag of Crispers, or something equally unhealthy. That is a classic combination to hitting obesity. So the day I stepped on the scale and saw the numbers 1-6-9 show up, I refused to let myself hit 170. So the exercising and changing of eating habits began.

One of the things I’ve learned along the way, is that the longer you go without eating unhealthy foods, the less you crave them. Oh I can remember times where I could hardly stop thinking about those cookies, cakes, and most of all, cheese. I have eaten so much cheese in my life, and limiting the amount of cheese I ate was definitely a change. I also learned that I actually ate very little protein each day. Protein is incredibly essential to your muscle growth, and I had barely anything to back that up. In fact, I remember my first “chest” day at the gym. I am being 100% honest when I say I couldn’t even lift the bar (45 lbs) doing a flat bench press. How embarrassing! I am happy to say I’ve progressed since then. Now the bar seems incredibly easy. But I needed that protein to help me out!

Even though I was changing the way I ate, and I was losing weight because of it, people would constantly ask how my “diet” was going. The thing is, it’s not a “diet”. If it were a diet, this would be the longest diet in the history of the world. I don’t ever plan on eating the way I did again. Yes, maybe during a holiday or a special occasion, I may indulge a little. But my daily eating habits will remain the same. 6 small meals a day, set at my amount of calories, carbs, protein and fats, while exercising 5-6 times a week.

An important fact to remember is this: you should never go hungry on a diet! If you are starving yourself, you are doing the wrong thing. You do not have to change the amount you eat, you simply have to change what you eat. Replace noodles with the equivalent of a good hearty salad filled with tonnes of veggies and even a chicken breast or a salmon filet, and you are saving yourself tonnes of empty calories, and filling your body with important foods that will deliver tonnes of the nutrients needed to your body. It’s really a winning situation that will keep you full all day long!

Never a need to be hungry! Just eat healthy!

Today as I was looking on my Facebook, a lady with the page The Smith Machines Fitbook had posted a challenge of which I am gladly accepting. She is proposing that we go 12 weeks with not a single cheat meal! Clean eating all the way! Now, in January, I had a totally sugar free challenge for myself. I’m happy to say that I successfully completed the month without eating sugar, and even influenced some of my students to do the same in the following month. In February, I went back to one cheat meal a day. In March, there were a lot of situations that came up where I’m sad to say my eating was not perfect that month. But this month, I am more than ready for this challenge. After all, who doesn’t want to get ready for “bikini” weather?

Oh bikini season is coming!

I have to admit, I’ve never worn a bikini in my life. I’ve never felt good enough about the way that I’ve looked to be able to bare my middle. So I have big hopes for this year. I know I currently have complications such as no vehicle to get to the gym, but you are never without any options. Now that is becoming more summery outside, cardio is more easy to do. You can also do push-ups and crunches (sit-ups are really hard on my tailbone). Not too far from us, is a child’s playground. It may look goofy, but some of that structure is perfect for exercising on. Whether you’re doing pull-ups or jumping onto the platform, there are many exercises that can be done on a playground.

So I strongly encourage, if you want to try something like this, look up “The Smith Machines Fitbook” on Facebook and see what she has posted about the challenge. She is an amazing lady that posts recipes and motivation on her Facebook as well. She is looking to have conversations to help the people who will be completing the challenge so that everyone will be motivated. I have used some of her recipes before and loved them! Even if you feel like you can’t do the whole 12 weeks, start it and see how far you go. You’ll be surprised by the amazing benefits you’ll feel just from eating healthier.