When I Realized My Grandfather Really Wasn’t Coming Back

Something happened today that really jarred my memory and brought me to write this post. I saw the following picture on Facebook and it got me thinking about my grandfather.

It took me right back to the moments where I can remember thinking about him and instantly started crying. Even now writing this, I can feel the water filling up in my eyes. I know many of you will say that you have/had an awesome grandfather to, but I’d like to take a minute to tell you about mine, and how special he truly was.

I guess it starts when my mother became pregnant with me. My parents were not married. I guess my grandfather liked my dad, but he was very upset about the whole situation and didn’t talk to my mother for days. However, being the man that he was, he still bought her a crib and everything she would need for me, even though he wasn’t talking to her. He was always that way, taking care of things even when he was upset.

Of course, as soon as I was born, he was completely smitten. My mother is a child of two, but lived very much a single child’s life. She never met her brother as he died on a surgery table a few months after he was born. That meant, I was the first and only grandchild.

My parents didn’t stay together very long. They did get married after I was born, but separated when I was about 4, officially divorcing when I was around 5. Where do you think we went back to? My grandparents. In fact, their home was very much “home base” my entire life.

My grandfather always spoiled me (and later my other siblings). I have pictures where my toys barely fit in the picture with me. My father told me that I would get tired of opening gifts because there were simply so many. I had this 6″+ man wrapped around my tiny finger. There’s no denying he loved me.

My grandfather was a used car salesman. In fact, it was my mother’s company that he worked for her since she dropped out of college to be home with me. The company was even named after my sister and I. But eventually he took over the company and changed its name since he did become the only one running the business.

I used to love visiting him at his office. My grandmother and I would get lunches for him, he would let me sit in his office chair, I would be called his “Number 1 Dudette”, and I loved the fact that everywhere we went, people always knew and respected my grandfather, and thus treated me as if I was a special person. I had never met anyone who didn’t know or like my grandfather.

If you could imagine the biggest realistic playground in the world, that would be my grandfather’s car lot. He gave me access to all the keys and vehicles in his lot. I can still remember the amount of fun we had pretending to drive the cars, and especially in exploring the only RV I remember him having. Only once did he ask me to backup a truck into a corner spot. My mother sat in the passenger seat with me, and I remember learning really quick to use my mirrors. I was so scared I would mess up his vehicles in this tight spot. But I did it! I still can’t believe he trusted me…

If I could compare him to anything, it would very much be the godfather. I’m not joking when I say that everyone seemed to know who he was. He was an amazing man when he was happy, but he was always a man you feared when he was unhappy. I don’t remember him every getting mad at me, but it was a general rule that when he came home, the remote control to the television had to be in the right spot for him to lay on the couch and watch what he wanted. He became upset if the remote went missing. There were just certain things you knew not to do.

Sometimes, my grandmother and him would fight. I’m sure there’s not a couple in the world who has not at least had one argument. Sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, this meant he would stay at his office for the night. It was a conveniently built, small building that contained 3 rooms and a tiny hallway. One room was “the office”. The second room was of course a washroom. And the third room was his bedroom. It contained only a tv, a bed, and a mini fridge. It pretty much had everything he needed if he needed a night away. So it was a fairly normal occurrence for him not to come home sometimes.

The best thing about my grandfather was that he was always there for us. There was a time when we didn’t have the most money, and work was slow. My grandfather always provided what we needed, and then some. Most of you know that I have moved like 20 times with my family, not including on my own. The one person who was always there, regardless of where we were, was my grandfather. He never missed an opportunity to come and stay with us. (Of course I should say my grandmother always came with him as well, but I will dedicate a post to her another day.) He was honestly one of the biggest constants in my life.

When my family made the official decision to move from the east coast to the west coast, my grandparents offered to bring my sister and I out at the end of summer so that we could spend the extra time with our father. It was a fair bit of a long drive, but even then my grandfather trusted me with reading the map (before GPS systems). I almost think his belief in me helped me grow to the independent woman I am today. I have a lot to credit him for.

They stayed with us at our new place for a few days. Early in the morning, him and I would get up and drive to a hotel or another homey restaurant to eat. He was not a chain-restaurant type of person. Even back in the town he worked, he had one particular restaurant he preferred to eat at, and everybody knew his specials and what he enjoyed eating. He always preferred the homestyle cooking. In fact, he met my grandmother while she was waitressing at such a type of restaurant. My family and I have visited that restaurant a few times and imagined what it must have been like. They still have the juke boxes and the old stools. Sometimes it’s nice to preserve history rather than to embrace change.

We then took a trip to the “big city” so my grandparents could see it before they left. We had a lot of fun. At one point, we lost my grandfather in the big mall. I’ll never forget him driving around on those motorized scooters for people who can’t walk well. He had even gotten an orange smoothie and I guess spilled it all over the machine. If you knew my grandfather like I did, you would picture him using colourful language for the time he was mad, then acting like nothing ever happened.

I don’t remember how we ever found him, but I can tell you it was one of the hardest good-byes of my life.This wasn’t just moving a few hours away, this was a four day drive across the country. Of course they would come visit again, but the visits would never be as frequent as before. What I didn’t know was that my tears would get worse before they ever got better.

Literally two or three days after we returned to our new home, I got a call from my grandmother. It sounded like her for sure, but something was a little different. She asked to speak to my mom pretty much right away, so I gave my mom the phone and sat on the landing of the stairs. My mother took the phone into her room which was at the top of the stairs. The next words I heard told me pretty much everything I didn’t want to hear. She said, as she began crying, “Oh Mom!”.

My grandparents had been involved in a car accident on their journey home. An impatient driver went in their lane to pass a semi-truck and didn’t see my grandparents van coming at them. My grandmother was in the hospital, a little bruised but otherwise ok (she would later need nose surgery to correct the alignment). My grandparents’ friend who was helping them drive home had so many broken bones, including ribs and shoulder, and would also need counselling for what happened (he was driving at the time – completely not his fault). But my grandfather didn’t make it.The speed they were traveling on the highway, and the impact of a completely head-on hit left the vehicle in shambles and took my grandfather with it.

Immediately, we packed and drove back to the city. I thankfully had a great aunt and uncle who lived just outside the limits and welcomingly invited us in until we could all make arrangements to fly home. My mother was able to fly right away to be with my grandmother, but there were 4 more of us to fly, and we had to wait for a cheaper ticket to afford it.

It was so strange when I got home. Being in my grandparents house seemed so normal. I mean, I was only at my “new home” for less than a week. I had no attachments to it and didn’t even have to act like it was supposed to be my new home. I had come home and it felt like life should be normal again.

I know I cried a few times, but I remember just having the attitude and thoughts of “My grandfather is just at his office, staying the night like he usually does. Sometime he’ll come home.”

I still remember it as clear as yesterday: My mother and I were sitting in the living room, on separate couches, not talking much as we didn’t for a while, and her saying the exact same thing that I felt – that Grampy was just at his office and sometime he would come home. And it hit us right then that we had to realize it was wasn’t true, that Grampy really wasn’t coming back. I broke down (just like I am again now) because he was always there, for everything! How could he not come back this time! How could the one stable thing in my life not come back! It was so hard to accept.

Sitting in his house, seeing all of his old stuff, going to his office, it was all so hard to do when you realize the person who has always been there for you, the person who has loved you your whole life was suddenly gone. My nickname would never be used again, except when telling stories of him. My promise from him of giving me my first car would never come true. My life was drastically left with an empty hole that I’m not sure was ever filled again. Nobody could take his place, and I could never have been prepared for that instant change in time.

Life is not fair, and it never will be. The devil is waiting for any opportunity to attack and make a mess of things. He knows which strings to pull and he knows how to make things hurt you more than anyone else. He knows he can damage us and take away everything that means the world to us, which is why it’s so important to turn to God when you’re hurting, to let Him hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, because one day, it will. One day, when Jesus returns and we are taken to Heaven with Him, there will not be anymore pain, there will not be anymore death, there will not be anymore tears. I don’t know what my grandfather’s relationship with Christ was like. I know he sort of had a falling out at one point, but he insisted my mom make sure she took us to church. So I only hope and pray that he had a good relationship with God, because it would be so nice to run into those loving arms I miss so dearly, the loving arms that were missing during both of my graduations and my wedding, the loving arms that were taken away from me way too soon.

I miss this man more than anything, and truly just thinking of how much I miss him brings me to tears almost instantly. Hold your loved ones close and make sure you let them know how important they are to you. You never know which instant will take them away.

Eating While Sick

I thought I was doing well while I was away with my students. But wouldn’t it figure, the day after I got back, it all began in my nose. I HATE sore throats and sinus problems. I just want to BREATHE properly. But as I sat and wondered what could have possibly made me sick, I came up with a short list:

1. A kid may have been sick (but to be honest, never saw one the entire time).
2. My escapade on the dirty, cold, concrete floor. Whatever was on that floor I was obviously breathing in for over an hour. This could be a much better possibility.
3. I did not eat very “vegan” the whole weekend, and was much more vegetarian. I did not have all of the fresh nutrients and vitamins I would normally get from fresh produce. I could see this maybe not being the cause of me getting sick, but perhaps an assistance in lowering my immune system.
4. Lack of sleep. I did not sleep much at all on this trip. Lack of sleep and an increase in activity could easily run you down.

Whatever the reason may be, it’s no doubt in my mind that at least 3 of the above (I’m really thinking an “imaginary” sick kid got me sick) aided in my sickness. Whatever the case, it is important to up the nutrient/vitamin intake when you are sick. So here is what I’m currently doing.

I’m trying to eat raw fruit fairly regularly. When I was out today, I made sure to stop and get a fresh juice that contained carrots, cucumber, ginger, spinach, and lemon. I can’t remember if there were oranges in it or not. But I also got some kombucha and whatever veggies/fruit I thought would help increase the extra vitamins for my body to use right now. The only huge problem is that my appetite is so small. I can only eat so much at a time, and am rarely feeling hungry right now. I think it’s super important that as long as you can stomach food, you should remind yourself to eat every so often. Just because you don’t feel hungry doesn’t mean your body wouldn’t benefit from the extra nutrients and energy that it takes to fight sickness.

One more tip that is super important for anyone who is sick is to avoid dairy. Dairy produces extra mucous in your body, and if you’re like me, you get tired of blowing your nose so much and possibly even coughing up the awfulness. So if you want to get rid of it faster, quit the dairy intake!

Week 3 Day 2

So today did not go at all like I wanted. I was so happy yesterday to defeat what I thought was the beginning of an cold or flu, only to wake up this morning feeling awful. AH! I did not escape it.

As a teacher, it is often much easier to go to work than it is to make sub plans. There is just so much work involved making sure your sub knows how to handle your class and is able to teach what you need. Needless to say, I went to work today.

I kept on track with my food at work. But I battled through small yet frequent headaches, up and down body temperatures, sneezing (I’m not allergic to anything, so this is a sick sign for me), watery eyes, sinus irritation, runny nose, etc… Can’t hide it anymore; I’m sick.

I somehow managed to finish the day. And came home to finally admit there was no way I could go to the gym tonight. Normally, I would fight through the bad feelings, but this is pretty bad. And I know the people at the gym will thank me for not going and spreading the germs. So I write to you from home, feeling not so great.

As far as diet, it’s had to change to accommodate my current situation. Which basically means soup, a warm drink with honey to soothe my throat (no caffeine, or very little), and some bread. Very basic means of nutrition.

Will I finish properly on my macros today? Definitely not. But there is no point in making yourself feel worse when your body already needs to recover. My body will get some protein, carbs and minimal fats from my broth soups and bread. It will get food that is easy on my stomach and digestion so that it can focus better on healing itself. Sometimes, you just have to get your priorities straight!

The Cold of a Lifetime!

What can I say… September has been one crazy month! Started off with a sprained foot (for the first week of school) and ended it with a sickness that is like nothing I’ve ever had before. Oh my… It can only get better from here!

Around Wednesday of last week, I started feeling “off”. I couldn’t place what it was, but I knew I was “off”.

Thursday, I noticed a hurtful spot in my throat. It wasn’t my whole throat, just a part of it. But I knew enough to start hyper-dosing on Vitamin C and other vitamins.

 

Friday, I woke up with still just that spot in my throat. So naturally, I got up and went to work. By the time the students went out for morning recess, I was SHIVERING. Shivering INSIDE the school. I quickly put my winter jacket on and sat at my desk. I stopped shivering while I sat there, but as soon as I got up to move, I would instantly get goosebumps and start shivering again. It didn’t matter where I went in the school, I was shivering. My students came in for recess and complained how hot our particular classroom was, and I sat there shivering with my winter jacket on. Something was seriously wrong. It didn’t take me long to figure out that my eyes were actually burning. My face was hot. And yet my hands were like ice and my body was covered in goosebumps and shivering. Oh boy… 

 

Now… this is where I can be stubborn. I did not leave work and go home. I stayed for the next… almost 6 hours before going home. By that time, I thought my brain would be fried, my heart was starting to beat abnormally causing me to be weak and almost wanting to make me cry. I just wanted to go home. It was so hard to keep it together. 

 

I shivered the whole way home and despite wanting to cry at every bus stop that I wasn’t home, or the short walking distance between the final bus stop and my apartment, I came in to my apartment, and jumped into bed covered with 2 huge blankets, my winter jacket, and tried to just warm up. This went on for hours. I couldn’t lay down, or lay half up because the heart beats, hard and fast, I think even skipping beats, would freak me out. I had to pack pillows behind myself to sleep sitting. I don’t remember what time I actually fell asleep, but my eyes were droopy, my face so hot, my body so cold. I woke up a few times during the night, but pushed myself to sleep as fast as possible.

 

Saturday morning, I woke up warm and with a normal heartbeat! How nice it was to not be so cold and shivering anymore! I noticed my nose/ears/throat wasn’t feeling the greatest, but the fever was gone! I jumped right out of bed, and had to pause. My head felt like a gong that someone had been hitting. Oh man. So I very slowly walked around and came and sat down. It seemed ok after those first few moments of getting. Sitting down, I had no problem. Got up again a little later, and had to pause again. I have never experienced a headache like this. Inconsistent in that it didn’t bother me when I was sitting still or laying still, but any fast movements or changes in sitting/standing/bending over would drive my head like a gong. I’m telling you. Like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. And this went all day.

 

Sunday morning, the headache is gone! Another success! But my throat/nose/ears are still not good. So I do nasal treatments, ear treatments, etc… And my ears hurt for hours! They definitely showed their true colours and I worked so hard to focus on anything other than my ears. I had to. It would have drove me crazy. Thankfully, it did go away. But since I was alone all day, I hadn’t used my voice. And it was later, when I had a phone call, I noticed that when I talked, my throat felt dryer and dryer. To the point that anything I said, I would have to cough after. Oh boy…

 

Now today, Monday morning, is the first day I’ve ever, on my own accord, called in sick to work. This morning, I had no voice. My ears are fine today, but my throat felt like it had been scorched. I’m a teacher, and I normally talk all day. I had hardly talked at all yesterday, and yet my throat was paying me for it. It actually was so bad, it woke me up at 3:30 in the morning. And I haven’t been able to fall asleep all day. My throat is horrible. All the hot honey drinks in the world don’t seem to be able to touch this. I had to leave my apartment today to venture to the store and get throat lozenges. I’m almost finished one pack, and even those don’t seem as effective as I’d hoped they would be. 

 

It seems like each day of this mystery cold/flu/sickness has a new symptom, or at least an increased symptom each day. I have no idea what it is, but I’m glad I’m on the lesser end of it. Now on to recovery!

 

Take the necessary precautions! It’s flu season!