You DON’T Deserve It!

Hey guys, I know it has been awhile. I’ve come to understand that sometimes what you think is the most messed up parts of life will quickly become lesser than what you are about to experience. I have also come to understand that I cannot be as perfect as I would like to be. I can be so consistent for a large period of time but chaos will come and my idea of perfection will fly out the window yet again.

It is my hope that today’s writing will help you, possibly even inspire you to take life’s difficulties from a different angle. It is my hope that if you are in despair that you can reach from my suffering and learn to wade through the deep waters as I have. Because in reality, the bottom is that sometimes life just sucks. Life hurts. Life is definitely no walk in the park. Sometimes we may find that what we think is the most perfect thing in the world ends up uncovering its blemishes or even worse, to find out that our item of perfection was nowhere near what we thought it to be. I’m guessing something or even someone probably came to mind as you read that. It’s a dark place to open up to. It’s a difficult thing to think about. But I want you to hold on to that person, hold on to that thing, and when you’re ready, keep reading.

I’ve been hurt, as I’m sure you all have. Not once, not twice, but more times than I can count. Am I alone in this? No. Does it help me to know others have been through my pain? Well, if I’m truly honest, not all the time. And that’s ok! Nobody has truly been in your exact shoes at your exact moment in time with your exact problem. That’s a time and space nobody can fill but you. But what you have to understand is that when people reach out to you, they are trying to comfort you by telling you they know what it’s like. It may not help you at that moment. In fact, it may make you mad that they would even try to feel like they know how you’re feeling. And that’s ok! But try to understand why they are saying what they are saying, and if you need to, just tell them to listen. People often feel awkward by not giving you advice so let them know their silence is ok. Be open. Communicate. Back off my sidetracked thought…

Pain sucks. Being hurt sucks. There have been times when people have admitted things to me that almost shut me down right away. In those moments, I truly wish I had never gotten out of bed. I wish that I could relieve myself of my duties and just revert into a hole where nobody knows who I am or that I even exist. At those moments, ignorance truly seems like bliss. It absolutely sucks to be in emotional pain. But, hiding pain is not the answer. I’ve come to realize that by escaping our pain, we are only burying a problem that will resurface again later. Pain that is not dealt with correctly will grow to such a size that it has the ability to affect you for the rest of your life, even subconsciously. We need to find a reason to get us through that pain, a method of dealing with it intentionally. Though I’m no expert on this topic, I thought I would share a bit of a journey through pain with you.

Someone once said something to me that I did not want to hear. They admitted something they had not told me for many months. My body went through the initial physical phase of wanting to shut down, literally go to sleep. However, I was at work and that was not an option. So I sat. I couldn’t look at my phone. And the feelings strongly kicked in. What this person admitted was nothing even done intentionally to me, but even they had mentioned they hated having to tell me. I was angry, sad, depressed, everything all at once. And yet, in my head, as upset as I was and as much as part of me wanted to lash out, I also pulled myself back to notice the sincerity of what they were saying and realizing how bold it was of that person to tell me. They were willing to take whatever reaction I gave in order to tell me the truth. Even though the truth sucked, my mind kept reminding me of what they had just done. It’s not always easy to walk in someone else’s shoes when you’re the one in pain. But somehow, someway, it’s so important that we slow ourselves down to realize that perhaps the situation isn’t so easy on them either. Perhaps they regret it more than you hate hearing it. Perhaps they’re sharing it with you because of how awful they feel. Perhaps they are already so sorry that they’re willing to let you decide what the final outcome will be.

I could not escape the feelings I had for the next few hours of the day. I had no way out. Did it change the way people saw me? Absolutely. I was referred to as “the one who’s almost ready to cry.” My job had to come first. I am, after all, responsible for the little humans in my care. And though I could not bring myself to respond like normal to this person, I also knew that I would regret making that person feel any worse than I knew they probably did. It’s important to note that I did not want to respond plainly. I wanted them to feel my pain. But in my head I knew they already were prepared for how it would make me feel, and logically (not led by emotions), I knew I couldn’t make them feel worse. So I responded in the best way that I could to tell them that I was (or would be) ok.

Fast forward to the end of the day. My room was quiet. I was finally alone. I attempted to think of driving to release my thoughts, but my motivation for anything was depleted. Instead, I decided to put my head down on my desk and just feel and think. Just be in the moment, by myself, and let myself be. It took almost an hour, but it was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to let myself fade into myself. I needed to stop holding myself up and being strong for others. It’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to acknowledge that what you feel absolutely sucks. But as I was thinking, it occurred to me where my thoughts were going, and like a lightbulb moment, I felt like I discovered a key to life. What I learned was this:

I was mad. I was angry. I was hurt. I was in pain. I was deeply saddened. I didn’t want to continue with my day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted life to stop. I knew these things. I felt these things strongly. I acknowledged them and let myself feel them, but I had to know why. Why was I so angry? Why was I so sad? Why did this hurt me so much? Though it may seem like the answers to this were obvious, I didn’t allow myself to take my first answers. Instead, I dug really deep. (Again, keep in mind this took an hour of self-discovering misery with my head down on a desk, broken and alone to figure this out. It’s not an easy process, but it was worth it.)

What I discovered was more than what I thought I would find. Was the news pleasant? No. I hated every bit of what that person admitted to me. My idea of perfection towards that person was blemished and it sucked. I was angry about the choice they had made. I was angry that it took them so long to admit it to me. But underneath all of that was the realization that even though it was ok for me to feel how I was feeling, it was not ok for me to not realize my role in the whole situation. I don’t mean that in any way I had any part of the bad decision this person had made. I literally knew nothing about it whatsoever. What I mean is that when there were times that I had to admit things to this person, this person did not skip a beat in treating me any differently or loving me any less. In fact, if I had replayed the situation in my mind, this person barely even blinked an eye and constantly told me that the past is the past and it was ok. I expected this person to be mad at me, but they didn’t show it whatsoever. And it was the same situation where what I had done was nothing done intentionally to them either. It was just bad decisions that needed to be admitted. And for someone to love me and accept me through my dark past, how could I not do the same for them? After all, they did tell me. After all, they were prepared to accept any reaction that I gave. After all, they were leaving their fate in my hands.

As I thought about this, it didn’t make me feel a ton better. I mean, yes, it did a little. But I’m going to sound selfishly honest that even still, that did not help as much as it probably should have. So I kept my head down and continued to dig. And the final thing that hit me was this: I was mad at that person for making the decision they did when I knew what the right decision was. Yet, in the past, I had been – multiple times – guilty of the exact same thing. It hurt me in such a strong way because hearing what they had done caused me to relive what I had done as well. I began to beat myself up over it as people had in the past. I began to tell myself that I deserved what this person had done even though it was never done intentionally to me in the first place. No wonder I wasn’t feeling better because I was bringing myself down over the situation more than the situation even called for! That person wasn’t meaning to hurt me, yet I was hurting myself. It’s sometimes amazing (good and bad) how our brain connects things. It’s like our past is stored in our brain, waiting to be brought out by any similar situation we experience. So many times we can think of personal stories that relate to situations we hear of, even if it’s not to the same magnitude. Sometimes, we think a lot of ourselves whether we mean to or not.

At that moment, I had to stop myself. I was mad at this person for doing the right thing of telling me the truth (which, partially, rightfully so) when in reality, I was the one beating myself up and hurting myself the most. That person wasn’t my true enemy, I was. After calling myself out on what I was doing, I realized that no, I did NOT deserve this. No, I did not deserve to be hurt. No, I did not always make the best decisions in my past, but I did not deserve to have those decisions put on me again to punish me for what I had done. No, I did not deserve to hear this bad news or to even have it exist. And as weird as this may sound, those thoughts were the most freeing thoughts that finally started to break the anger. The truth is, I couldn’t stop the hurt. The truth sucked no matter how you look at it. Bad news is just bad news. I didn’t have to be completely happy. But I did need to realize that it was ok for me to be sad and angry WITHOUT having to deserve to feel that way. I did need to realize that this person did not DESERVE for me to make them feel worse when they already regretted what they had done. This person was hurting because they knew they had hurt me, and as much as it bothered me, I knew this person cared so much that their pain was most likely equal to mine because I knew this person understood.

I feel like this is kind of a difficult thing to explain without being able to experience it with you. But it was the thoughts, the realizations that made this better. When all of these things finally trickled down and started to make sense, I knew I had to get it out. Hence, here I am. I feel like sometimes, we are so good at reacting and hiding how we actually feel that we forget to actually tell ourselves that it’s ok to feel how we feel, and we forget to take time for ourselves so that we can actually learn to swim through those dark thoughts and emotions. We don’t have to hide but we do need to understand and choose what to do. It’s ok for things to take time and it’s often better if they do.

Later on, I met up with this person. I’m a very facial-reacting person. It was obvious by the look of my eyes that I had been hurt badly and had been crying. I couldn’t hide that. But with the resolve in my heart to respect this person for admitting things to me, and with love in my heart for knowing that this person was probably crying about the situation too, I determined to try to smile and tell them it was ok. Was it easy? Not really. I still was sad. I still was hurt. We hugged. We cried. But at that moment, I knew it was ok to hurt together, because that also meant that we could heal together. We both had to experience the pain. We both had to support each other as much as we could. We both had to decide that we were going to get through it together, and that’s the beautiful part. As much as the hard days are hard, the healing process is like nothing in this world. When two people, whether friends, family members, or especially as a couple, when two people are able to take a situation and deal with it united, together, unwilling to let the other suffer alone, magical things happen. The healing that takes place grows a stronger bond than was there before. The love grows deeper. The appreciation is stronger. Though it takes time, it’s a process worth pursuing.

Two items came to mind as I was reflecting over this healing process. One being broken bones. I have been told that bones heal stronger after they are broken (for healthy individuals of course). This amazed me. But if we think that the bone knows what broke it the first time and is then preparing to be stronger for the next time it happens, it’s easy to see how this analogy applies to this situation. When two people are broken over something that happens and they are able to successfully go through the healing process, it is unlikely that same event will happen again and if it does (so long as it’s not stupidity repeating itself), you will be a stronger unit to confront it together.

The second being Kintsugi pottery. This is pottery that has been broken, but has been sealed back together with gold. The cracks are referred to as the scars, and the scars are nothing short of beautiful gold. Being broken hurts more than anything. I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day. But that healing process of being put take together, making a bond that was stronger than before, is as beautiful, as valuable as the gold that holds the Kintsugi pottery together.

This was a long post. I applaud you for making it here. It is my greatest hope that somehow these words may have helped you in some way. It is my hope that you will understand that we don’t have to fight this world alone. We are all here, living in this spherical space together. May we strive to be there for each other. May we learn that our feelings are ok, but it’s our thoughts that we need to keep in check. May we remember to slow down before reacting and may we never stop seeking to know ourselves better. We can make it through everything that comes our way. God has designed us to be strong people. Even when we feel like we can’t make it all alone, He is still there with you. He will never pull His love from you. You are loved my friends. I am praying for you!

Lost in the Fog

Have you ever been in such thick fog that you can’t see anything around you? I’m talking about the kind of fog when you lift your hand out in front of you, your eyes cannot even find your body’s missing …

Back on Track

I have to admit, I have taken a long break from tracking my food. I didn’t always make the best food decisions, didn’t always eat as often as I should, and though I made sure I made choices with protein in them, I didn’t always aim to have the most protein either.

I also haven’t been going to the gym for about a month between being sick and hurting my rib. I basically “quit” my everyday life for a bit of time.

Normally it would bother me as I reached a higher weight and then somehow stayed there (my own fault). But the fact I was maintaining was also a sort of good thing as my weight was not continuing to rise. I chose to look at it as somewhat of a healing phase as well. I needed to rest and not stress about lack of gym time.

My clothes don’t fit the way they used to. Obviously I’ve gained some size. But instead of that causing my world to crash, I decided to focus on how I felt otherwise. In fact, a pair of dress pants that used to be too big for me now look awesome on me (as much as I don’t encourage that type of transformation).

But after all this, and really not wanting to go back to the task of tracking, I’m back. I’ve set my calories at 2000 (I’ll explain reasons why later). My protein is set at 0.8 per pound of bodyweight. And this is my first day back to tracking.

My workouts (I’ve done 3 so far), are modified in such a way that allows my rib muscle to still heal and yet lightly work at the same time. What I’ve noticed is that mainly and PUSH motion is what aggravates it the most so I avoid those. But a lot of things I thought I’d have to go super light weight in, I’m actually as strong, if not stronger. The month off from the gym honestly did nothing in hindering my strength progress.

Sometimes it’s all about listening to your body. Do I wish I controlled what I ate a little more? Yeah, I probably do. But I’m not going to let that ruin my happiness and motivation for the future. So I’m back to working out, and I’m back to eating properly. Let’s see how this goes!

My Rib is Injured… Again!

Several summers ago, I got sick. The worst part of getting sick for me is always this nasty cough that I get. This particular summer, the cough was so bad that I heard a “snap” following a hard cough. I didn’t notice anything at first though I had a huge feeling that something was terribly wrong. It wasn’t until later that I figured it out.

I jumped in my father’s truck that he had let me borrow while working away. And as soon as I had jumped up into the seat, I felt it. It was a tight feeling at first, but then quickly developed into a bad pain. I could barely turn the steering wheel. In the short 5 minute drive to the trailer I was renting, I knew I had to call my mother to come drive me to the hospital. I had to wait a fair time for her as I was about 45 minutes away, but she quickly came and took me to the hospital.

The hospital was about another 30 minutes from where I was, and the wait at the hospital was about 2 hours. The problem was, by the time I was registered and sitting in the waiting room, I was having a hard time breathing. All I can remember is intense pain and focussing on low and shallow breaths.

We waited for awhile until my mother decided to check where we were on the list, only to find out that we had been bumped down rather than up and the wait from that point was longer than 2 hours. It hurts to breathe but I’m not a serious case? My mother was mad to say the least.

We hopped in the car, and headed to the next hospital an hour away. It was a shorter time than I would have had to wait at the first hospital, and this hospital took me in right away. The only problem was, I had popped a rib muscle, which the doctor promptly told me hurts as much as breaking a rib (crazy pain), and there was nothing they could do except give me Tylenol 3.

Now some people I knew would have gone crazy over Tylenol 3. My mother had a mini freak-out session about how I might become addicted to it, but after telling her everything would be fine, I got my prescription and was on my way.

It was a painful summer. The T3s didn’t touch the pain hardly at all. I always walked around with one hand putting pressure on that rib area. It was awful. Nothing but time was able to heal that wound.

Once again, I was sick a few weeks ago and the cough has mostly gone but not completely. I know my body has suffered a little more than normal (didn’t help when my chiropractor asked what happened except I had been doing nothing but sleeping and sitting on the couch, trying to get better), but my body still seemed in decent shape. I worked out this week and everything seemed good.

Last night was a chest workout, and even though I warmed up and stretched, in the very first exercise (bench press), my rib started to hurt. I can’t remember if it is the same side or not, but I’m pretty sure I popped a stupid rib muscle again. It hurts so bad and I have to put pressure on the area to even try to take a deep breath. My abs are also starting to hurt because of the way I have to modify my body when I need to cough. It’s miserable.

I had just gotten well enough to start back in the gym and this is what happens! Ah!

To be honest, I wasn’t going to complete my workout last night because of the pain. But as I sat in the locker room, looking at my open locker as I was going to change, I got mad, closed and locked my locker, and went out and did the incline dumbbell press. I’m pretty sure it was a very dumb idea. I’m pretty sure I made it worse. I had written down to do 4 sets of 12, but after 3 sets, I knew I was being ridiculous. I shouldn’t be mad, although it was hard to not at least be disappointed.

So here I am with heat packs and taking it easy. I would much rather be in the gym but I’ve done my damage and I should know better. Injuries are something to take serious and it’s very important to know when to quit. So learn from my mistake and save yourself some pain. I’m all about lifting heavy and “sucking-it-up” in most situations, but I felt the pain and knew I should have quit. Next time, I will.

Week 11 Day 2

I woke up so sore today after yesterday’s double training session. My chest and my legs hurt so bad!! But to me, that means a successful workout and an opportunity for muscle growth, so I’ll take the pain any day!

School went well today. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, except for my class started their Planets presentations. They have been working on these presentations for a little over 2 weeks and for the 10 students that were ready to present today, I was blown away. The details in their presentations were phenomenal. The pictures they researched, the information, the animations within the presentations, some even had sounds, it was just phenomenal. I was so impressed with my students and looking forward to the next 10 presentations tomorrow.

After school, I waited around a little bit, grading homework, waiting for my husband to come and pick me up. It wasn’t too long of a wait, but he had to take the battery back out of my car so that we could exchange it while out to get groceries this evening.

My husband dreads grocery shopping, but we got our food, exchanged our battery and made it back home to eat and prepare to go to the gym. However, when the extra carbs I ate hit me, I desperately needed a nap. My body was still very much worn out from Sunday.

Unfortunately, we never got up from our nap. And at first, I was incredibly upset about this. But the more I thought about it, it was probably best to just fuel my body for the day with good foods to help the muscles heal before going back to destroy some more.

Week 3 Day 2

So today did not go at all like I wanted. I was so happy yesterday to defeat what I thought was the beginning of an cold or flu, only to wake up this morning feeling awful. AH! I did not escape it.

As a teacher, it is often much easier to go to work than it is to make sub plans. There is just so much work involved making sure your sub knows how to handle your class and is able to teach what you need. Needless to say, I went to work today.

I kept on track with my food at work. But I battled through small yet frequent headaches, up and down body temperatures, sneezing (I’m not allergic to anything, so this is a sick sign for me), watery eyes, sinus irritation, runny nose, etc… Can’t hide it anymore; I’m sick.

I somehow managed to finish the day. And came home to finally admit there was no way I could go to the gym tonight. Normally, I would fight through the bad feelings, but this is pretty bad. And I know the people at the gym will thank me for not going and spreading the germs. So I write to you from home, feeling not so great.

As far as diet, it’s had to change to accommodate my current situation. Which basically means soup, a warm drink with honey to soothe my throat (no caffeine, or very little), and some bread. Very basic means of nutrition.

Will I finish properly on my macros today? Definitely not. But there is no point in making yourself feel worse when your body already needs to recover. My body will get some protein, carbs and minimal fats from my broth soups and bread. It will get food that is easy on my stomach and digestion so that it can focus better on healing itself. Sometimes, you just have to get your priorities straight!

Week 1 Day 2

Currently I am writing to you as I finish my last meal for the day: greek yogurt with mango and blueberries, and egg whites. And believe it or not, it’s only 11:44! Haven’t hit that midnight mark yet! (Really, that is sad and something I need to work on. I’m not so good at getting to bed when I should…)

So today was a bit of a rough-to-good day. Let me explain what I mean.

I woke up so tired (lack of sleep problem again…). But I got up, managed to do a load of dishes, put away some clean laundry, shower, walk the dogs, feed my animals, throw food in a bag, get out the door and manage to only make it a few minutes late to work. This actually was awful for me because I’m NEVER late. I’m one of those people that hates to be late for anything. Trust me, this won’t be repeated anytime soon.

The day seemed to go alright, of course with lots to do both for work and home. But what I really want to focus on is the affect food can have on you and what a mix of food and stress did to me today.

Most of you have followed my problems with the government and my husband’s permanent residency. Well, today I wrote in many details in an earlier blog post about my experience today. But to summarize, I had a bad phone call with the government. Not in any trouble or anything, but it ended in huge stress and high anxiety. Now, mix that with the fact that I had been so busy I wasn’t watching how long it had been since I had eaten the previous meal. So my blood sugars were low, my anxiety and stress was high, and I almost had a meltdown.

I’m not normally a person to have a meltdown incase you’re wondering. I’m the optimistic problem-solver. But not at that moment. And the thing is, I know it also had to do with the food because immediately after the phone call, I took a few minutes to try and calm myself down, and then decided to forget all work for a few minutes and get my food ready: sweet potato, cottage cheese and cubed turkey. I may not have felt better about the stress for quite some time, but immediately I could tell a difference with the food. It made me feel more capable, more stable, definitely better.

So I continued my day, absolutely ready for a nap after work. There was simply too much stress associated with that phone call and the surrounding situation.

I did some errands after work, came home, and took a nap. I wasn’t ready to get up when my husband woke me up, but after rising and eating, I was feeling alright. Then I got to the gym and started feeling great. Amazing how that happens.

Now as far as the workout, it was great (minus the burpees). I hate burpees. I don’t know what it is about them, but I feel so uncoordinated like my legs are too long and get in my way. And I may have learned that balance while doing these is super important as I put too much pressure on my already injured wrist which caused me to crash to my knees. Oops. But I can assure you that by the last round of burpees, my form had improved incredibly. I’m trying to heal that wrist, not make it worse!

How I felt when I looked at the workout routine for tonight…

The workout again was a circuit style which I have found to be difficult in the gym when you require certain machines. But it is not impossible.

So I’m waiting currently waiting for that frozen mango and some of those frozen blueberries to thaw a little more before I can finish eating my yogurt. Then I will be getting ready for bed and sleeping the remainder of the night away.

Hope you all have an awesome and healthy night!

The Dangers of Social Media

Social media has been an excellent way of connecting with others, of enhancing business advertisement, and of gathering resources that you need. Social media (though there are arguments against and for it) has enhanced our lives for the past few years especially. But aside from the many dangers of children with social media (I could make quite a list), I’ve noticed a trend in the ways social media are being used by adults, and it’s not a good one.

Things like Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the many other media sites have allowed people to express their opinions. It’s become a method of posting what you’re doing at the moment, for the day, sharing stories of what happened during the day, and has just become a general communication tool for sharing your lives with the world. I know quite a few people who get annoyed with us, but if people feel like sharing, I personally do not see the harm in it.

My problem stems from the fact about complaining. There’s a difference to me in sharing a sad story looking for sympathy and a complaint of how the world (or specific people) have harmed you. When you’ve lost a pet or a family member, I expect you to need sympathetic support. But if someone has done you wrong, are you not being just as wrong by posting about them?

I think it’s funny how the Bible says our tongues are “sharper than a two-edged sword”. The words we say can be some of the most cutting things. I even recently did a lesson with my students on how the phrase “Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.” That’s not true at all. I can remember some of the hurtful things said to me as a kid. I may not govern my life by them, and have forgiven the people who have said them, but to me it’s easier to heal from that broken foot I had than to think I’m fat for the rest of my life.

I just think sometimes we don’t quite understand the harm we do ourselves because we’re too busy looking at the harm others have done to us. If someone spread something about you, it doesn’t make it better by then posting something about them. It’s a circle; a cycle. The worst part is, even when you omit the person’s name, the people who are close to you will still know who you are talking about. So were you really doing better by leaving the name out?

The other thing is you have to remember your influence on others. Just because you have a problem with someone doesn’t mean that everyone will have the same problem with that person. If you continue to complain and focus on the negatives of a person, are you really trying to help them? Are you really caring that you’re turning other people against them as well?

The hard truth is, we all have faults. We all sin. If you wouldn’t like someone to complain about your mistakes and turn people against you because of it, then maybe we shouldn’t be so quick to post about our problems with others.

There is a huge difference between having thoughts in your head and posting them online for the world to see. You can still think the same things and deal with them yourself or a trusted friend that you know will ask you to question your thoughts and truly reflect on them, without clouding other people’s views.

Just be careful what you post. You have no idea where that post may end up or who it may end up changing. Keep things positive!