Have you ever felt the pressure to answer the question, “How are you?” with “I’m ok”? Have you ever felt like giving any less of an answer, regardless of what you’re actually feeling, would just be a burden to society? … Continue reading
Hey guys, I know it has been awhile. I’ve come to understand that sometimes what you think is the most messed up parts of life will quickly become lesser than what you are about to experience. I have also come to understand that I cannot be as perfect as I would like to be. I can be so consistent for a large period of time but chaos will come and my idea of perfection will fly out the window yet again.
It is my hope that today’s writing will help you, possibly even inspire you to take life’s difficulties from a different angle. It is my hope that if you are in despair that you can reach from my suffering and learn to wade through the deep waters as I have. Because in reality, the bottom is that sometimes life just sucks. Life hurts. Life is definitely no walk in the park. Sometimes we may find that what we think is the most perfect thing in the world ends up uncovering its blemishes or even worse, to find out that our item of perfection was nowhere near what we thought it to be. I’m guessing something or even someone probably came to mind as you read that. It’s a dark place to open up to. It’s a difficult thing to think about. But I want you to hold on to that person, hold on to that thing, and when you’re ready, keep reading.
I’ve been hurt, as I’m sure you all have. Not once, not twice, but more times than I can count. Am I alone in this? No. Does it help me to know others have been through my pain? Well, if I’m truly honest, not all the time. And that’s ok! Nobody has truly been in your exact shoes at your exact moment in time with your exact problem. That’s a time and space nobody can fill but you. But what you have to understand is that when people reach out to you, they are trying to comfort you by telling you they know what it’s like. It may not help you at that moment. In fact, it may make you mad that they would even try to feel like they know how you’re feeling. And that’s ok! But try to understand why they are saying what they are saying, and if you need to, just tell them to listen. People often feel awkward by not giving you advice so let them know their silence is ok. Be open. Communicate. Back off my sidetracked thought…
Pain sucks. Being hurt sucks. There have been times when people have admitted things to me that almost shut me down right away. In those moments, I truly wish I had never gotten out of bed. I wish that I could relieve myself of my duties and just revert into a hole where nobody knows who I am or that I even exist. At those moments, ignorance truly seems like bliss. It absolutely sucks to be in emotional pain. But, hiding pain is not the answer. I’ve come to realize that by escaping our pain, we are only burying a problem that will resurface again later. Pain that is not dealt with correctly will grow to such a size that it has the ability to affect you for the rest of your life, even subconsciously. We need to find a reason to get us through that pain, a method of dealing with it intentionally. Though I’m no expert on this topic, I thought I would share a bit of a journey through pain with you.
Someone once said something to me that I did not want to hear. They admitted something they had not told me for many months. My body went through the initial physical phase of wanting to shut down, literally go to sleep. However, I was at work and that was not an option. So I sat. I couldn’t look at my phone. And the feelings strongly kicked in. What this person admitted was nothing even done intentionally to me, but even they had mentioned they hated having to tell me. I was angry, sad, depressed, everything all at once. And yet, in my head, as upset as I was and as much as part of me wanted to lash out, I also pulled myself back to notice the sincerity of what they were saying and realizing how bold it was of that person to tell me. They were willing to take whatever reaction I gave in order to tell me the truth. Even though the truth sucked, my mind kept reminding me of what they had just done. It’s not always easy to walk in someone else’s shoes when you’re the one in pain. But somehow, someway, it’s so important that we slow ourselves down to realize that perhaps the situation isn’t so easy on them either. Perhaps they regret it more than you hate hearing it. Perhaps they’re sharing it with you because of how awful they feel. Perhaps they are already so sorry that they’re willing to let you decide what the final outcome will be.
I could not escape the feelings I had for the next few hours of the day. I had no way out. Did it change the way people saw me? Absolutely. I was referred to as “the one who’s almost ready to cry.” My job had to come first. I am, after all, responsible for the little humans in my care. And though I could not bring myself to respond like normal to this person, I also knew that I would regret making that person feel any worse than I knew they probably did. It’s important to note that I did not want to respond plainly. I wanted them to feel my pain. But in my head I knew they already were prepared for how it would make me feel, and logically (not led by emotions), I knew I couldn’t make them feel worse. So I responded in the best way that I could to tell them that I was (or would be) ok.
Fast forward to the end of the day. My room was quiet. I was finally alone. I attempted to think of driving to release my thoughts, but my motivation for anything was depleted. Instead, I decided to put my head down on my desk and just feel and think. Just be in the moment, by myself, and let myself be. It took almost an hour, but it was exactly what I needed to do. I needed to let myself fade into myself. I needed to stop holding myself up and being strong for others. It’s ok to be weak. It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to acknowledge that what you feel absolutely sucks. But as I was thinking, it occurred to me where my thoughts were going, and like a lightbulb moment, I felt like I discovered a key to life. What I learned was this:
I was mad. I was angry. I was hurt. I was in pain. I was deeply saddened. I didn’t want to continue with my day. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I just wanted life to stop. I knew these things. I felt these things strongly. I acknowledged them and let myself feel them, but I had to know why. Why was I so angry? Why was I so sad? Why did this hurt me so much? Though it may seem like the answers to this were obvious, I didn’t allow myself to take my first answers. Instead, I dug really deep. (Again, keep in mind this took an hour of self-discovering misery with my head down on a desk, broken and alone to figure this out. It’s not an easy process, but it was worth it.)
What I discovered was more than what I thought I would find. Was the news pleasant? No. I hated every bit of what that person admitted to me. My idea of perfection towards that person was blemished and it sucked. I was angry about the choice they had made. I was angry that it took them so long to admit it to me. But underneath all of that was the realization that even though it was ok for me to feel how I was feeling, it was not ok for me to not realize my role in the whole situation. I don’t mean that in any way I had any part of the bad decision this person had made. I literally knew nothing about it whatsoever. What I mean is that when there were times that I had to admit things to this person, this person did not skip a beat in treating me any differently or loving me any less. In fact, if I had replayed the situation in my mind, this person barely even blinked an eye and constantly told me that the past is the past and it was ok. I expected this person to be mad at me, but they didn’t show it whatsoever. And it was the same situation where what I had done was nothing done intentionally to them either. It was just bad decisions that needed to be admitted. And for someone to love me and accept me through my dark past, how could I not do the same for them? After all, they did tell me. After all, they were prepared to accept any reaction that I gave. After all, they were leaving their fate in my hands.
As I thought about this, it didn’t make me feel a ton better. I mean, yes, it did a little. But I’m going to sound selfishly honest that even still, that did not help as much as it probably should have. So I kept my head down and continued to dig. And the final thing that hit me was this: I was mad at that person for making the decision they did when I knew what the right decision was. Yet, in the past, I had been – multiple times – guilty of the exact same thing. It hurt me in such a strong way because hearing what they had done caused me to relive what I had done as well. I began to beat myself up over it as people had in the past. I began to tell myself that I deserved what this person had done even though it was never done intentionally to me in the first place. No wonder I wasn’t feeling better because I was bringing myself down over the situation more than the situation even called for! That person wasn’t meaning to hurt me, yet I was hurting myself. It’s sometimes amazing (good and bad) how our brain connects things. It’s like our past is stored in our brain, waiting to be brought out by any similar situation we experience. So many times we can think of personal stories that relate to situations we hear of, even if it’s not to the same magnitude. Sometimes, we think a lot of ourselves whether we mean to or not.
At that moment, I had to stop myself. I was mad at this person for doing the right thing of telling me the truth (which, partially, rightfully so) when in reality, I was the one beating myself up and hurting myself the most. That person wasn’t my true enemy, I was. After calling myself out on what I was doing, I realized that no, I did NOT deserve this. No, I did not deserve to be hurt. No, I did not always make the best decisions in my past, but I did not deserve to have those decisions put on me again to punish me for what I had done. No, I did not deserve to hear this bad news or to even have it exist. And as weird as this may sound, those thoughts were the most freeing thoughts that finally started to break the anger. The truth is, I couldn’t stop the hurt. The truth sucked no matter how you look at it. Bad news is just bad news. I didn’t have to be completely happy. But I did need to realize that it was ok for me to be sad and angry WITHOUT having to deserve to feel that way. I did need to realize that this person did not DESERVE for me to make them feel worse when they already regretted what they had done. This person was hurting because they knew they had hurt me, and as much as it bothered me, I knew this person cared so much that their pain was most likely equal to mine because I knew this person understood.
I feel like this is kind of a difficult thing to explain without being able to experience it with you. But it was the thoughts, the realizations that made this better. When all of these things finally trickled down and started to make sense, I knew I had to get it out. Hence, here I am. I feel like sometimes, we are so good at reacting and hiding how we actually feel that we forget to actually tell ourselves that it’s ok to feel how we feel, and we forget to take time for ourselves so that we can actually learn to swim through those dark thoughts and emotions. We don’t have to hide but we do need to understand and choose what to do. It’s ok for things to take time and it’s often better if they do.
Later on, I met up with this person. I’m a very facial-reacting person. It was obvious by the look of my eyes that I had been hurt badly and had been crying. I couldn’t hide that. But with the resolve in my heart to respect this person for admitting things to me, and with love in my heart for knowing that this person was probably crying about the situation too, I determined to try to smile and tell them it was ok. Was it easy? Not really. I still was sad. I still was hurt. We hugged. We cried. But at that moment, I knew it was ok to hurt together, because that also meant that we could heal together. We both had to experience the pain. We both had to support each other as much as we could. We both had to decide that we were going to get through it together, and that’s the beautiful part. As much as the hard days are hard, the healing process is like nothing in this world. When two people, whether friends, family members, or especially as a couple, when two people are able to take a situation and deal with it united, together, unwilling to let the other suffer alone, magical things happen. The healing that takes place grows a stronger bond than was there before. The love grows deeper. The appreciation is stronger. Though it takes time, it’s a process worth pursuing.
Two items came to mind as I was reflecting over this healing process. One being broken bones. I have been told that bones heal stronger after they are broken (for healthy individuals of course). This amazed me. But if we think that the bone knows what broke it the first time and is then preparing to be stronger for the next time it happens, it’s easy to see how this analogy applies to this situation. When two people are broken over something that happens and they are able to successfully go through the healing process, it is unlikely that same event will happen again and if it does (so long as it’s not stupidity repeating itself), you will be a stronger unit to confront it together.
The second being Kintsugi pottery. This is pottery that has been broken, but has been sealed back together with gold. The cracks are referred to as the scars, and the scars are nothing short of beautiful gold. Being broken hurts more than anything. I would take physical pain over emotional pain any day. But that healing process of being put take together, making a bond that was stronger than before, is as beautiful, as valuable as the gold that holds the Kintsugi pottery together.
This was a long post. I applaud you for making it here. It is my greatest hope that somehow these words may have helped you in some way. It is my hope that you will understand that we don’t have to fight this world alone. We are all here, living in this spherical space together. May we strive to be there for each other. May we learn that our feelings are ok, but it’s our thoughts that we need to keep in check. May we remember to slow down before reacting and may we never stop seeking to know ourselves better. We can make it through everything that comes our way. God has designed us to be strong people. Even when we feel like we can’t make it all alone, He is still there with you. He will never pull His love from you. You are loved my friends. I am praying for you!
My teeth hurt so bad. Honestly, I cannot wait for this to get easier. Today I did not forget my pain pills!
Work went good, but it was busy. There were a lot of things to get done, especially since this weekend will be spent catching up on grading and doing report cards. If there is one job I would love to get rid of, it would be grading. If I had the money and could find a legal way to do it, I’d hire a grader. It would help so much.
**Any fellow teachers who may be reading this blog, I’m curious what one job you would get rid of if you could? Leave your answer in a comment below!
I also had a meeting after school which was actually a training session for our new tutors. It went very well. We reviewed the expectations for them, what tutoring looked like, and how to be a positive influence in the lives of the people they would be tutoring. It honestly went very well, and thankfully, the other teacher I’m working with did most of the talking so I didn’t have to do more than I could handle. I love when people can do such great teamwork!
Following this training session, my husband came and brought me a smoothie! Oh how nice it was! I still can’t chew anything, so liquid food it is! I packed up my stuff, and my husband helped since I’m so behind in grading (seriously, that football weekend messed me up). We came home, ate (or I drank my food), and went to the gym. Now, my husband ended up taking a nap so we did get to the gym late. This was ok for me, but he still had to work the next day. So I didn’t have enough time to finish my whole workout.
I did all of the back exercises, and saved the ab exercises to go with my workout the next day. That also meant I had to bump a cardio session to the next day as well. But we were able to get some stuff done and get home followed by a quick getting ready and into bed.
Today was another long day. I can successfully say that after last week of not getting much curriculum taught, we at least hit the books hard today! I think we came up with some well researched answers last week that helped truly answer some of their questions. Now to move forward with that knowledge!
We’ve also started studying the book of Revelation. My students are interested in learning what God warns for the ending of time and what God tells us to do. So I’ve quit my plans for worship, and have taken on this study. I have great hopes and purposes for this study!
I also found out this morning that I have a meeting right after school and that there is another super important meeting tomorrow that I’m going to have to miss and catch up on later as well as a mini-meeting the day after and a long training meeting the day after. Catch my drift on all of these meetings I’m expected to be part of and yet somehow still function as a regular teacher and wife and mother to our animals? I can’t seem to keep up!
Today’s IT meeting did go fairly well. Expectations were laid out which means I have yet more work to do. Somehow, somehow I need to get caught up and stuff done. My life needs to get back in order.
My workout this evening was much anticipated. I needed to get some stress out. It was my first leg workout this week, and although there were a lot of hefty things I hate doing, I looked forward to it tonight. It was an excellent workout and I left very sore.
A new exercise I had to do was called “20s and 2s”. This is basically how it goes:
20 leg extensions, 2 leg curls
18 leg extensions, 4 leg curls
16 leg extensions, 6 leg curls
14 leg extensions, 8 leg curls
12 leg extensions, 10 leg curls
10 leg extensions, 12 leg curls
8 leg extensions, 14 leg curls
6 leg extensions, 16 leg curls
4 leg extensions, 18 leg curls
2 leg extensions, 20 leg curls
Can I say ouch? That’s definitely how I felt at the end! I was so happy to go to bed and rest up my legs tonight!
I absolutely loved this morning. My friend and her husband had left for work, I woke up to the door closing, and I was able to get up, play the piano (something I love to do), called my grandmother, leisurely ate my breakfast, and played with the cat. And then, rush to get ready. I don’t know why it always goes that way! Somehow I was 10 minutes late for a less than 5 minute drive. Oops.
The meetings today were actually much better than they had been previously. I very much appreciated them. We learned about our expectations in a clear manner, and also were able to review curriculum outcomes. This was a pretty low key day.
After our meetings, I went to say good-bye to my friend, ran to a few stores to get a few things, and then drove home. I was so tired on this drive. All I wanted to do was sleep. But thankfully, I made it home safely.
Unfortunately, I had not yet picked up my meals from Fresh Fit Foods this day as I wasn’t home so I made the most of foods that I had available. Thankfully, there were some rice, fresh fruit, veggies, meat, and nuts available. As well as water bottles that were convenient to take with me.
I was so happy to see my husband, as you can imagine. And we still made it to the gym!
Today was a leg day, and as you probably know about me by now, leg days kill me. It was a hefty leg day, but as always, I was glad when it was done.
Today’s worship carried a substantially difficult topic. I looked at our Spirit Week and today was Jersey Day. Side note: I wore a Broncos jersey! Go Broncos! But as I was trying to come up with a topic that would associate with Jersey Day, something to do with teams, I quickly realized that the most immediate topic was that of teamwork. The only problem is, I think our staff honestly works well as a team. So this topic was just not striking me properly.
I continued to think and think and think until it finally hit me: forgiveness. It connected in my brain when I thought of the pressure athletes have to win. How often do we get mad at them when they make a mistake, when they miss the winning goal, when they play horribly? How often do they likely get yelled at and ridiculed for mistakes that we may as equally make in our own lives? And with mistakes often comes the act of forgiveness.
Now, this was a touchy topic to talk about. Because the act of forgiveness is called upon us by God Himself. When asked how many times a person should forgive, Jesus said, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:22). Yet, how often do we not forgive people? How often are we hurt and then carry around that hurt the rest of our lives? I went over Bible verses about forgiveness, and over some expectations of forgiveness. Forgiveness means not using the event against the person (not holding a grudge). It means not gossiping about that event and person, as well as a few others. However, I was not satisfied with the way this worship ended because it was ended with the thought that forgiveness is still difficult even though the Bible gives us so many examples. And I was challenged by this to come up with how it was easy for myself to forgive others. And this is something I would think about constantly until the next morning.
Today’s workout was focussed on legs and abs. And as usual, leg workouts kill me everytime. I was so tired and worn out, not to mention in pain. I’ve noticed that our coach has dropped the reps down to 10 for almost all body parts, except legs. Our legs reps remain at 15. Oh does this ever push your legs. Ah! So glad when I finished.
So as optimistic as I like to be, yesterday just did not turn out the way I thought it would. In fact, I was ready to throw in the towel, blow after blow. It seemed like so many negative items, so much negative news, so many changes to plans that weren’t beneficial no matter how I looked at. It was just all too much!
I ended up going for a drive; one of those drives that you sometimes wonder afterwards how you ever avoided accidents because your thoughts were a million miles away. I then went home and completely did not feel like doing anything. In fact, for the very few minutes I had, I walked my dogs, then sat on the bed in front of the fan. Naturally this was short-lived as I had to pick up my husband from work.
My brain was just sunk. My blood pressure was guaranteed elevated, my positivity was on the downhill slope, my hope was crushed, my body paying the price. I felt miserable. I felt like this was it, that I’m already at my breaking point and the year hasn’t even begun. I began second-guessing myself, asking if this job really was for me, if I wasn’t as strong as other teachers, if maybe I’m not as strong as I thought I was. But then something happened.
After picking up my husband from work, I put myself mentally in a place where I was just spending time with him. I wasn’t thinking about work. I wasn’t thinking about how in the world our finances are going to balance. I wasn’t thinking about all the stresses that I carry on my back right now. It was just him and I and quality time together. It gave my brain a break!
See, I used to laugh at people when they told me to take brain breaks in school. I used to think I was invincible. I used to think I could push myself to the utmost limits and even beyond. And quite honestly, I did. I used to work two jobs while going to university full time, in fact one semester I even had to request my credit limit be elevated in order to do 6 courses instead of my normal 5. Most mornings, I’d get off work, and wait around for my morning class because there simply wasn’t enough time to even go home and get changed before class started. I spent crazy hours working at work, being in school, and doing schoolwork.
The craziest thing that was an eye-opener to me was when friends used to come over to see if there was any way they could help me with my work or at least help keep me awake. Some nights, I don’t even remember what I said or did. I don’t drink, never have. I don’t do drugs, never even touched them. But out of pure exhaustion, my body and brain would continue on as if I were awake, and yet I was not truly awake. Countless times my friends would tell me the next day about the conversations we had and would be completely confused when I replied that I had no recollection of that conversation. They would tell me that I was sitting in the chair, looking straight at them, having conversations that made complete sense, and yet the truth was that I wasn’t actually awake. Isn’t that scary? As you can probably guess, this is right before my body crashed, and crashed hard.
You see, my brain was so used to running non-stop that even when my consciousness would rest, my subconscious continued in the exact way my consciousness would have. Thankfully I had good friends so safety was never an issue. But imagine it had been. I NEVER gave my brain a break. Not even a tiny one.
Just because of the student I am, I have high expectations of myself as far as quality of work and grades go. I always received good grades, even in my tired state. But I know it wasn’t good for me. Sitting for hours doing homework, then spending hours between my two jobs, then hours and hours of classes. Everything was back-to-back and there was no break. My poor brain, seriously.
As a teacher, I am much more conscience of the brain breaks I give my students. I know that if they don’t get a break, then the work is going to decline in quality. That’s just the way it is. They easily get off track, derail to other topics, and just can’t focus. But give them a 2-5 minute brain break, and all of a sudden they’re energetic and ready to roll again. That’s what a brain break does.
So I challenge you to watch yourself. Watch how long you are actually causing your brain to continue working. And if you’re pushing your hours, get up and have a brain break. Whether it’s a simple exercise, a simple stretch, a change of topic, a small conversation with a co-worker or friend, anything that gets your mind off of the work you’re doing right now. Got time for a small nap? A mindless game? Great! Your brain needs that shift.
Don’t do what I did. I’ve lived out the mistake for you. Take care of yourself. You only have one body, so get it right the first time! Help it to remain healthy and see the advances it makes in your own life. Brain breaks are important!
You know, sometimes, you’re just going to get disappointed by people. Sometimes, you are just going to feel let down. Sometimes, you’re just going to feel like people use you and you get no appreciation for anything. And sometimes, it really starts to weigh on your shoulders despite your greatest attempts to not let it.
I’ve always hated this feeling. The arguments that can come from it. The misunderstandings that blow up out of proportion. The undeniable feeling of horribleness that ensues. Although this feeling is hard to prevent or even eliminate, I came across a saying that has totally changed my view of my feelings, if not helped to change my feelings a little. The saying (paraphrased… can’t remember where I got it from) is as follows:
Sometimes we get so disappointed with others because we have expected them to do for us what we would have done for them.
Think about that for a minute. Why do we really get disappointed in others? Why do we care so much if people don’t appreciate us? It’s simply because we have put ourselves in their shoes, and we know what we would have done. We take it personally, we make it personal. Why couldn’t you ever thank me when I thank you all the time, even for the smallest things? Why couldn’t you just do this one thing that I needed when I would have easily done it for you?
It’s our own expectations that others are failing to achieve. We’ve set our expectations on them, and yet we get disappointed at them when really, it’s on us. We had the expectations, they didn’t. And if you really think about it… is it fair?
The best thing I’ve found to do is to have minimal expectations of people. In fact, I have usually been able to keep my minimal expectations of everyone except my students. Being a teacher is a whole different situation. If you don’t have high expectations of them, they often won’t have high expectations of themselves. They need a standard to live up to, to strive towards. But in general, in marriage, in family, in friends, the disappointment can be avoided if everything is considered an “extra”. Can you always avoid disappointment? Absolutely not. It’s just one of those things you have to learn to deal with in life. But you can better understand it. Above all, understand, that your expectations of others are really the expectations of yourself in someone else’s position. And that can set you up for that ultimate let-down. Lower your expectations. Realize the other person is not you. And see if it makes a difference in your life.
Tonight was unexpected. Tonight was scary. Tonight was the night my husband saved my life.
It all began as my husband was changing the alternator in our Audi. That blessed Audi that has continued to break down on us over and over again. This was the final step to getting it running and ready to be sold! I cannot wait! We’ve had a few people interested in buying it. So excited to sell it! And so he was putting the new alternator in and had our male dog Dwight outside with him. I stayed inside, was cooking a piece of mahi mahi in the oven, and finishing some spaghetti noodles on the stove.
My mother-in-law called and so I began talking to her for awhile. During the conversation, I noticed a tickle in my throat that led me to cough. After about the fourth cough, I figured I just needed a drink and to eat something to get it out of my throat. During this time, I had walked over to the window because I heard the Audi running. I kept my mother-in-law informed as I sat in the window and nervously watched my husband take the jumper cables off the Audi, and the Audi continued to run and the battery light turned off! My husband even looked up at the window to yell at me and tell me the Audi was running which we were all excited for. Of course, during the whole time, my mother-in-law begins to ask me if I’m ok or if I’m fighting my “winter cough”. I told her this definitely wasn’t my winter cough, but I wasn’t sure if it was what I was cooking or what was causing this irritation in my throat. She let me go to get a drink and so I began to sip away.
Meanwhile, my husband has closed up both vehicles and I hear him coughing down the hallway. Upon entering the apartment and quickly shutting the door, he rounds the corner, Dwight coughing and sneezing, and my husband looking like he was deadly ill: coughing horrendously, saliva pouring out of his mouth, tears flowing down his face, and unable to respond to me right away about whether he was ok. I got scared.
After he gathered himself together, he told me specifically, “We need to get the dogs and get out of here NOW!” Of course, I’m sitting here like, “Oh I’ll just stuff a towel under the door, where else would we go anyways? I’ll just open our two windows and air out the place…”
I can honestly say that I’ve never been more thankful for his stubbornness. He told me to immediately shut the windows as it was drawing the air from the hallway in, and that he wasn’t sure what the gas in the air was but that if it was something like natural gas, the building could explode and we needed out right away. I gave in and we put the dogs in their cages, I put our skinny pig in his little cage, grabbed my purse, and opened the door to the hallway. What happened next was entirely awful.
When the air from the hallway hit me, it was like hitting death in the face. That little tickle in my throat became an instant burning. The coughing became constant. The tears rolled freely. Our noses were running incessantly. My husband went behind me, telling me to just head for the front door, to just get to the front door. It was honestly the most awful thing of my life. So awful in fact, that the only things I can remember from going down the hallway, down the stairs, and out the door was just focussing on trying not to breath, trying to go fast without falling or dropping my babies, and the sounds of coughing from my husband, my dogs and myself.
Hitting the outside air was the greatest breath of fresh air I’ve ever had. As soon as we got outside and had a chance to take a breath and gather ourselves from the mess we had turned into, some fellow tenants were coming out on their decks asking about the coughing and if we thought it was better to leave. We advised our neighbours to get out.
My husband went and got the car, we loaded up and drove a few streets away. I called our rental company’s number to report the emergency to which he very concernedly called a landlord and the fire department right away. I also called the fire department to be sure.
The response time was within a minute! It was incredible timing! We had around 10 fire trucks and an ambulance surrounding our building, blocking entrances to the street, and lined up along the road. I took one quick picture before we walked up to see what they had found out.
In this picture, you can clearly see 3 fire trucks, but ahead of this line up was another 2 fire trucks and an ambulance. The rest were on the front of the building, the other entrance of the road, and the back. We were clearly being taken care of and I’m so very thankful for these people.
After we parked on the side of the road (just behind where this picture was taken), we walked up to see what was going on. The firemen were everywhere, many with oxygen tanks on and ready to use in order to enter the building.
For the next little while, little was said about what happened. The tenants were gathered outside with their children and pets (cats and dogs) waiting for news. Many of them just ended up leaving, but some stayed and waited. We spent our time walking back and forth from the car to check on our animals to the apartment to find any updates. Growing up with a fire chief in the house, I knew to avoid when they were obviously busy, but to answer questions quickly and efficiently with plenty of detail when they ask. They came and talked to me once about what had happened, but nothing really came of the whole thing.
Eventually, they brought out their air vacuum fans and put them at both entrance doors to draw the air out. There was no confirmation as to what it was, but they cleared the building and allowed us back in.
It may seem like nothing now, but can you imagine what could have happened? What if it was a natural gas leak and the building did combust? What if it was a poisonous gas and I was too unclear in my thoughts to leave and had done irreversible damage to myself and my pets?
I’m so thankful for my husband who was able to know what we needed to do, and was willing to drag me out if I didn’t comply (he told me this after). His demonstration of protection and care for me was definitely shown tonight. I love this man and have never been more in love with him then now. His care for me surpasses all expectations.
Tonight, he saved my life.
This past month has been spent on creating speeches. We have an annual Speech Arts competition where the school gathers judges to come and awards are given to the winners.
The process leading up to Speech Arts night is often a gruelling task. The students work for weeks in class, selecting their topics, researching the information, and writing a fluent speech. They then practice saying their speeches to a timer (criteria states it had to be between 3-5 minutes) and in front of a mirror and friends (to check for eye contact, proper posture, release of tension, etc…). Finally they learn how to properly write short form bullets on cue cards so that they are able to better memorize their speeches while having cards with point form notes incase they forget in front of a crowd.
The second step consists of two days worth of watching and listening to speeches in class. The students are graded on a given rubric. When the speeches have all been completed, the teacher then selects the top 3 in his/her class to compete for the evening of Speech Arts.
Our Speech Arts night was this past Thursday and I have never been so nervous for my students, particularly one.
This one student has had a long-term reputation in the school for being a behaviour problem (teachers, you know the kind I’m talking about). His expectations have been sub-par and even I was worried about having this student in my class from what I had heard of him before. And yet, though we have indeed dealt with some behavioural challenges, I cannot express to you the amount of difference that not only I, but other teachers have seen in him this year. This year, he worked the hardest of any student in my class to obtain his very first time on the Honour Roll. He also worked one of the hardest of any of my students on his speech and was one of my selected students to compete in Speech Arts. I was so proud of him.
He did very well in front of the judges, as well as the other two students I had chosen. His passion was in the topic, and when the judges presented him with his question, he handled it very well and had his answer spot on.
Of course, I don’t find out the answer from the judges until they’ve collaborated, but I was never more proud of him then when I was able to present him with a second place medal. He did so well!
I have watched this kid stretch and grow into an incredibly different person than he was when he first entered my room. The amount of work I’ve put into this kid alone is substantial. In fact he’s the only student in my class I’ve had to give an in-school suspension to. And yet, look at what he’s become. No, that doesn’t mean that the behaviour never creeps up again. Sometimes I wonder who’s hiding that jar of sugar he surely dipped into. But as I continue to work with him and develop that strong, trusting, teacher-student relationship, he has been accomplishing great things that he may have never thought possible before.
I can still remember sitting with other teachers from the school this week. They had asked who my top 3 were that would be competing. They completely understood why I had selected my other two contestants, but when I had said this particular student’s name, their mouths dropped.
Don’t give up on those tough students. Sometimes it’s the labels they have been given, the low expectations they know we have of them. Sometimes we just need to push them that much further, and yes, it definitely may be a fight along the way, but when that students has the chance to blow you out of the water, not a single fighting moment will matter anymore. It will all be worth it in the end!
Calm in Christ and Fitness 