Lost in the Fog

Have you ever been in such thick fog that you can’t see anything around you? I’m talking about the kind of fog when you lift your hand out in front of you, your eyes cannot even find your body’s missing limb.

I remember one night, driving into fog just like this. I could not see anything. Fog lights were useless in helping me find the lines on the road except when I was sometimes right on top of them. I remember the fear of not knowing whether I would hit something or drive off the road. But I also remember why I was driving late that night: my life felt like it was falling apart and I just needed to get away from it all. I wasn’t intending on running away; I’ve never been able to do that. But I was trying to get a break, to go to a place where I didn’t have to talk to anybody, where there was nobody to bother me or hear me crying. I was seeking solitude, aloneness, a place to soothe my own soul. But in the midst of that fog, I realized that my efforts were futile. Sure, I had found solitude but that feeling was overridden by the fear of knowing at any moment something bad could happen. Still, I drove on. I had convinced myself that this drive would be worth it, that I would “find myself” somewhere on the other side. With that being said, let me tell you that I couldn’t stop the fear. I couldn’t calm myself. I would never find that fleeting solution I was looking for. So at one point, when I finally got a glimpse of a driveway or a side road or something, I pulled over and cried. I cried and I prayed. I let the floodgates of my heart open to God realizing that there was nothing I could do to save myself from my own life. No amount of running away was going to work. There would be no true place of solitude on any drive or escape if I had not yet found that solitude in the peace that only Christ can give. I could never outrun my situations, but instead carried them with me in my heart.

I don’t remember much of the drive back, but I do remember the feeling of emptiness having poured everything out. I also remember the feeling of having nothing left inside me. My emotions were dulled. My heart felt beat up. My mind couldn’t think. But even amidst that, I knew that my rockbottom was God’s grounds to build up. I had finally stopped trying to hold up a crumbling tower. I was letting Him take control and I knew that it was the best thing I could have done.

Sometimes in life, we just get caught up in that fog. Sometimes it’s sudden and completely encases you by surprise. Sometimes you run into the fog trying your best to run, to hide, and to ultimately save yourself. Sometimes it’s all you can do to fight the fog and just try to survive. But as lost as you are, as alone as you feel, your searching does not have to be in vain. There is One who can find you amidst that fog. There is One who knows exactly where you are and cannot wait to rescue you. He sits watching as you search in desperation for a way out, a sign of the right direction to go, waiting for you to realize the only way to run is to Him. Nothing in that fog will make sense until you join the One who knows the fog inside and out. Unfortunately, some people never make it out of that kind of fog. Thankfully, I did. But not only did I make it out, I remet my Savior. I remet the Man who loved me despite my mistakes. I remet the One who wanted me with every flaw I possessed. I remet Him who wanted to embrace me, dry my tears and heal my broken and bleeding heart. No, I didn’t “bounce back” immediately. No, my life did not instantly become easier. No, I was not happy when I woke up the next morning. But that night so many years ago was a pivotal moment in my life, one that I doubt I’ll ever forget. For whatever the reason may be, sometimes hitting rockbottom is the best place to be. Sometimes, hitting rockbottom is when you learn to fall in love with Him again. Sometimes hitting rockbottom is what we need to do in order to remember who we are and who we’re supposed to be. We need Him. Not just on the weekend at church or at night during our prayers, but every moment of every single day. This life is not easy; the fog can literally hang over your head. But you can be assured that walking hand-in-hand with the Savior is your only guaranteed way out. Sure, He may not part the fog like He did the Red Sea, and yes, maybe He will make you finish walking through the most scary parts of the darkness, but He will be there with you every step of the way and there’s no greater assurance you can have than that. There is no greater love than that of Him who loves you unconditionally. There is NOTHING you can do to make Him love you less. How amazing is that?!

So if you’re like me and get lost in the fog, forget trying to be in control. Instead let the Ultimate Navigator guide you through the darkness. If you do this, you won’t have to wait to “find yourself” on the other side; it will happen in the darkness with Him by your side.