From Feeling “Trapped” to Feeling “Free”

My husband and I (and our pups) just spent the last two days driving back up to Canada from the states. The past two weeks in the states have been phenomenal to say the least. I’ll write a post stating more of what we did later, but I experienced something tonight that I needed to feel, something I didn’t know would be possible for a very long time.

In high school, I lived in the “big city”. It was nice for the duration I was here, but when I left, I swore never to move back. I am a small town girl, and the big city is just not my scene.

When I graduated from university, I was able to get a job for the first year in a small town. Bingo! But when that maternity leave position ran up, so did my other plans.

I received a phone call from my superintendent that I had an interview scheduled in the “big city” on such-and-such a date at such-and-such a time. I hadn’t even been asked, I had simply just been told.

On that day, I drove to the city, did my interview, and of course, got the job. I couldn’t believe what was happening. The one place I never wanted to end up was the one place I was being told I had to be. I was angry for a very long time.

Eventually, I got to the point where I simply went around saying “God certainly has a sense of humour!” But my one year employment turned into two, then three, and currently on year four.

Reflecting on it, I knew God wanted me to be here. There were certain situations I had to encounter as a teacher to grow. There were painful moments I had to experience to become wiser. There were children who needed someone to advocate for them, and there were relationships built with students who just needed someone to listen that wouldn’t judge them. I was able to fill that place. As much as they think they have learned from me, I learned ever so much from them.

This year, when my big change from 6th grade to 2nd grade came, I couldn’t believe it was happening. As much as 6th graders stressed me out, I loved the counselling aspect; I loved the difficult questions. I felt like a stranger in grade 2. But of course, as time went on, it became easier and I was able to find aspects I liked. But I couldn’t help thinking, is this really where I’m supposed to be? Is this really what I’m still supposed to do?

I can’t really say it’s teacher’s burnout (though I’m sure some things are similar). It’s just the feeling of being “stuck”. No matter how many ways I looked at our situation financially, I could see no better opportunity to survive than where we were. We both hate living in the city, though I’ve come to see good parts about it and don’t hate it as bad as I used to. But when I can hear parts of my neighbour’s conversations, when my neighbours that I strive to be so nice to turn around and stab me in the back, and when I no longer see a way that Canadians are nicer than Americans anymore (sad reality from what I see here in the city), I know we aren’t really happy here. It’s not where either one of us want to be. So that’s when I realized something this weekend.

When we were finally finishing our drive, doing the same maneuvers through the city as we had done for years, we had come to the house, walked in, and I suddenly felt like I was in someone else’s house. I felt like a stranger walking into someone else’s life. It was a strange feeling. My husband did not experience the same thing, but for some reason, it was like I was that “spirit” looking at someone else’s world, an outsider looking in. Of course that feeling is over now, but that wasn’t the only feeling that came.

After driving for 2 days, we absolutely did not have the energy to go grocery shopping. So we went out for supper (our fridge is bare). On the way home from supper, it hit me. This city is no longer my jail. I no longer feel like I strapped to this city, unable to move. I no longer feel like the city is the pit that is going to swallow me whole to keep me here with no escape. I suddenly realized, with options my husband, my mother-in-law, and myself had talked about after Christmas break, the world is at our fingertips. It may not be a fun ride to make change, but to get out of the rut of tiredness, depression, and feeling “stuck”, a few months of painful change would be so worth it. It’s no longer an impossibly large, looming, unattainable vision, it is now a totally possible, difficult but doable task. And taking those chains off was the best feeling I could have ever experienced.

I know this post is kind of vague, but this year is a huge year of change. I cannot leak more information than is timely, but I can assure you this year is going to difficult but good. Stay tuned!

A House of Simplicity

It has been almost a month, actually I think it has been a month since we’ve moved into our new place. When we moved, I couldn’t believe the amount of stuff that came out of our tiny apartment. The storage closet was basically packed full, and yet most of it was stuff I had not seen in forever. And of course, with the busy-ness of life, and the sickness that has ensued this house, there are still tubs and boxes sitting in the main floor of my house, waiting to be sorted into items with dedicated places to be, items that are to be sold, and last but not least, items that do need to be kept but put away for the time being. Now, I don’t know about you, but I HATE clutter. And that’s what is in my house. Things that I don’t even want to sort, don’t want to go through the emotional up and down about throwing stuff out that could be used in some way. I hate doing this kind of thing. I mean really, how did I get most of this stuff in the first place? My only guess is thinking back to a time of greater pay, many shopping trips, and collecting things I thought for sure I’d use and never did. What a waste.

I remember, a couple summers ago, my husband took me to visit a man that lived down the road from him. This man has such an amazing history with stories you could never believe. And yet, despite his awful past, the one he is ashamed of, the brutality of nature required of him for so many years, he has become the most calm, the most peaceful, the most content man I’ve ever met. I’ll never forget visiting his house. This man has the ability to make you feel so valued, so wanted, so welcomed. He never wants to talk about things that trouble him, but would much rather talk about you, your life, how things are going.

Now there are certain things I noticed about him and the way he lives that both my husband and I admire to this day. One is that the man is so knowledgeable. He knows all the right people, a lot of world-renowned people, and reads. The amount of quotes and advice this man can give you not just from his life, but from the books he’s read is phenomenal. He spends his time on family, on learning, on things that truly matter. The way I should be spending my time always.

The second thing that especially is vivid in my house as I sort through the endless “stuff”, is that this man’s house contains the bare minimum. In his bedroom is his bed, a dresser, and a display shelf with pictures of family and books. Simplicity with a sliding glass door for him to gaze into the wilderness each morning, and what a view! I don’t know who couldn’t be happy waking up and seeing that every morning. His living room contained nothing but a mattress on the floor and a tv. No couches, no chairs, nothing. His kitchen was not cluttered with things all over the counters, but instead had only the bare minimum and a simple kitchen table and 4 chairs. There was no mess, no clutter, no confusion. Everything he owned, he owned for a reason. He did not squander money uselessly on things that “could be useful”. The things he had he needed. And that was it. By doing this, it allowed him to indulge in the finer things. Flying to see his children, sitting at the local coffee shop, enjoying the company of people from town, living life calm and one day at a time. This man had his priorities straight.

I cannot tell you how much I want to be like that. Yes, I do want to have at least a couch in my living room, and maybe a few more things that he didn’t have, but to be honest, I don’t need all of this stuff that I have. Money has a way of making you feel powerful enough to want and need the things our head conceives that we do. Yet really, do you even use it 3 times a week? Once a month? Is it really that important to you? Or is it just some form of a fake emotional attachment you’ve created to something utterly useless to you?

Sometimes I watch the shows “American Pickers” or “Canadian Pickers” and see how much buying things has become almost an addiction. These people end up (usually) with barns and buildings just full of “stuff” they couldn’t seem to stop buying. And then when they haven’t seen it in 30-60 years, they finally call someone to sort through it and see what they can sell. I definitely don’t want to end up like that. I want to have a clean, neat house that people can enter and see that exactly everything has a place, and everything I have are things that I need.

I had a conversation with my dad last week. He had just bought a newer house up the road from his current one and was thinking of all the cleaning and moving that was about to happen. He mentioned how his building in the back was packed full of stuff, mostly stuff he never used. He mentioned these particular windows. You see, our family had an old camp (really an ancient farmhouse) in the woods area where the men would stay to go hunting or fishing, and the whole family could find a place to sleep if necessary to stay together on a weekend. It unfortunately got burned down by people that I knew in a drunken stupor (a whole other story). My dad needed to change his windows in his house, so he put in the new windows and kept the old ones, as they were still in good shape, for a new camp should they ever decide to build one. It has been years later, and no camp has been built. In fact, the family had decided to put all of their camper trailers on the lot instead, and my dad has even decided to sell his camper trailer. It seems like the family gathering times are getting less and less now that us younger members are growing up, getting jobs, and leaving home. So my dad has finally come to face the fact that the windows are useless to be keeping, and though they may be good to use, they aren’t for him anymore.

It’s all a process. We have such good hopes for things, such plans, and most of the time, if they aren’t needed, they will never be used. Don’t add to the clutter in your house. Don’t buy things you don’t need. A little indulgence every once in awhile, but nothing that will add to a hoarder’s paradise.

My last little tip: If you see something in the store you want but aren’t 110% sure you absolutely NEED, then walk away. Go somewhere else, to another store, walk awhile. If that item does not leave your head, and you feel you’ll regret leaving it, go get it. But if you have continued shopping and you start to think of the item as, “Nah… I don’t really need it”, then you are safe to walk away permanently. It seems so simple, yet it works so well. I do it all the time and it has saved me in the times when my pay is less to not waste the money I have on things I only think I need, and I don’t really. Try it out! It may save you some money and some space 🙂