The Flop – Healing Journey Day 19

Journal:
I don’t even really want to write this post today. I’m exhausted; drained. Not getting home before 6:30 at the earliest (8:30 at the latest) each and every work day is wearing me out. Not to mention, that does not include getting everything I need done, done. I’m behind on almost everything that I should have done by now as a teacher. But it is because I have had such a difficult start to the year… and I thought last year was bad! Oh how little did I know back then…

So in the entirety of an insane day, I ate 2 bananas. That’s it. By the time I finally got home (around 7:00 pm or shortly after), not only was I exhausted, but I was also extremely hungry. I wasn’t sure how I was feeling after today’s after-school meeting. A decision was made that I was honestly sitting on the fence about. It either meant I was going to have a much easier rest of the year, or that I had to prepare for what could be a very difficult and exhausting year in its entirety. My heart was being optimistic, but my head was being realistic. And though the decision was to press forward and though my heart was prepared, my head was left wondering what I may be preparing to put myself through. I was a slight emotional disaster. Needless to say, it was not a good situation.

So what did I do? I gave in. The thought of bananas almost sickened me and I went out. It was late; the skies were dark. I was emotional, exhausted, drained, and hungry. I was reaching for comfort which is something I rarely do. In fact, I normally don’t eat when I’m stressed or upset. So whether the chips from yesterday had something to do with the immense desire for something else or not, I’m not 100% sure but I would assume that it did. The interesting part is that I did not want my usual comfort foods. My usual Mexican place did not entice me. I didn’t want the heavy feeling of beans and rice in my stomach (something I normally would have jumped on right away before I started this journey). I didn’t want a huge, cooked, gourmet meal from a sit-down restaurant. I wanted a pita (not  even the type of bread I normally want as I usually want fluffy bread) filled with fresh veggies. What a craving. If all I had ever craved in my life was a flat, pocket pita bread with fresh veggies in it, weight would never have been an issue. But either way, I decided I needed to listen to my body today after all the punishment it’s been through and I went off.

I went to Extreme Pita and ordered a regular falafel on white. I added lightly sautéed veggies (green pepper, onions and mushrooms sautéed in water not oil), pineapple, tabouleh, pickles, lettuce, tomato, a tablespoon of beans and chickpeas (decided to see how I would react to so little), and topped it with about a tablespoon of hummus and some sweet chilli sauce.

The first few bites were pretty good. It felt so good to just get out, sit down, stop stressing about the one thing my mind has been on lately since a decision was finally made, and just enjoy some free time for the first time in weeks. I say “free time”, but even while I was eating I was responding to work e-mails and catching up on work-related things that I should have done before but never had the time to. However, if I am truly honest, about half-way through the pita, it wasn’t tasting as good as it had. It’s not that anything had changed, but I simply realized it didn’t taste as good to me as it once had. My body has changed throughout this challenge. I don’t crave the heavy feeling in my stomach anymore. Cooked food does not taste as good to me as it once did. Yes, I am realizing that I don’t crave sweetness all of the time anymore, especially since I have been craving the taste of veggies to get a break from the fruit for quite awhile. But my body is not the same as it was before. And though I had the biggest fear of starving all the time when I started this challenge, I have not experienced even close to the amount of weakness and feelings of death as I thought I would have been. It’s quite incredible to say the least.

So after eating, I drove to the gym. I had full intentions of going in and doing something. But as I paused to sit in my car for just a few moments to finish letting the day sink in, I realized that this was the furthest thing from what my body wanted today. It wasn’t a day where I had to go to something because I was so stressed. It was a day where all the stress led to this decision and now that the decision was made, that is one stress that is gone. My body wanted to rest. It didn’t want to keep giving output when it finally had a chance to take a breath. Once I realized this, I left and drove home. Three and a half weeks of stress, of never taking a break while things were happening every single day, of not sleeping enough, and of meetings every single work day, it was time to just say no. It honestly was the best thing I could have done. Sometimes we simply need to listen to our bodies.

When I got home, I noticed those oatmeal bars that I had received the other day. I decided since I had already blown my banana day by eating a pita, I might as well try the squares. Don’t let yourself get into this mindset. It’s not worth it. I ended up eating a piece of a square only to taste flour. Oh my word. It took me back to being a child when you think the flour should taste good just because cookie dough tastes good. And when you take a big bite of flour, you sadly realize how wrong you were. Though this clearly wasn’t all flour, that’s the biggest flavour I had in my mouth. Now, if I had not been doing this cleanse, I guarantee it would have tasted different to me. But because of this cleanse, because my body has changed so much and flavours are so noticeable to me, that’s what I could taste and I had no motivation to continue eating them.

I relaxed for awhile, then went to sleep. Tomorrow is hopefully a brighter day.

Review of Symptoms:
-Exhausted.
-Stressed.
-Hungry after eating only 2 bananas all day.
-Taste buds are SUPER sensitive.
-Acne is the same.
-Despite eating a little, energy is still there.

Weight at the end of the day = 174.6 lbs (same as yesterday)

Total Calories = approx. 861 (68% carbs, 22% fat, 10% protein… a little high in fat)

Canadian Soldiers… 3 Days to be Kicked Out!

Ok so here’s the deal. I love Canada. I’ve always been proud of being a Canadian. In fact, there’s nowhere else in the world I’ve ever dreamed of living (except for those few moments in the winter when we hit -50s Celsius… then my mind begins to wander…). But this bit of news I’ve heard recently has suddenly “burned my biscuits” (my husband hates that phrase!).

Last night, on the news, there was – as there always is – an update on the Syrian refugee crisis. As many know, Canada has said they would take 10,000 refugees. Of course this has started all kinds of uproar, but aside from that whole raucous, I was EXTREMELY disappointed with what I heard. Are you ready for it?

They are removing soldiers from the barracks in order to give housing to the refugees.

No joke. Now, this is not all military bases, but still! And do you know how long they have to move? 3 days. Honestly, 3 days. What kind of appreciation to our troops is that?

First, they are told they have to leave their home in order to make homes for refugees. Last time I checked, military paycheques weren’t the greatest. I’m pretty sure barrack living is much cheaper than normal housing situations. So we’re going to kick out our soldiers who don’t have tons of money, who probably don’t have a down payment for a house or a damage deposit saved up for a rental, possibly causing some of them to become rather “homeless” in order to save from refugee homelessness? Does this even make sense?

Secondly, they are being given 3 days. 3 days. The number keeps flashing in my head. In most rental evictions, you get a week. In extreme cases, maybe less than that. But the thing is, the soldiers didn’t do anything wrong. They’re being evicted on zero grounds of things they’ve done themselves. And we’re given them the glorious number of 3 days to restructure their lives. Yup, 3 days to find a place (this can take forever), 3 days to move, 3 days to uproot their current lives and create new ones. 3 days is a joke. This is ridiculous.

What do you think, am I being too hard on our government? Am I not seeing the whole picture? Is the thought that maybe we should treat our soldiers well since they are prepared to give their lives for our country ridiculous? I’m beyond bewildered.

Maybe this is wrong, but can we not put up temporary housing for them until something else is figured out? I know if I was running away from a huge terror, I would be happy to end up in a warm church room, or a town hall, or any building with a roof over my head and warmth. I guarantee food donations and other things will be coming in. I know people are willing to help out. So why aren’t we using vacant places instead of kicking our own residents out?

If you have any clear thoughts, definitely leave them below. This whole situation just blows my mind. Leave it below and let’s hear some other thoughts on this whole situation!

Farmers Do Not Love Their Cows

I apologize that the title of this blog sounds hateful. I can assure you I don’t have farmers. For 2 years of my life, my family had our own farm. My best friend in university’s family had a beef farm, and for two years, my hairdresser and her husband had a beef farm. I don’t hate farmers in the least. But here is an argument I was part of this week.

Now, normally, I’m not such a vocal person. I’m not the kind of person who just looks for a fight or who believes everyone should think the same way I do. In fact, because of my Christian beliefs, I believe that God has given everyone the gift of free choice, and so I am not someone to take that away. Of course this gets bordered when it inflicts pain on others, but that’s a whole other topic. The fact is, in Exodus, God gave permission to eat certain animals, one of them being cows. So if you want to eat beef, I may not agree with it, but you have total right to do that. So that’s not where this argument is coming from.

What I saw this week was a picture of an almost frozen calf in a farmer’s truck. This is a typical appearance. In my two years of farming, we were up in the middle of the night to help our animals sometimes. I get the work it takes. I see the dedication farmers have. But the caption of the farmer is how much they cared/loved their cows. That’s where I had a problem.

Now, this world has problems enough with understanding what love really is. All too often we see people throwing around the “love” word without really meaning it. People date people and still keep their own needs above their partners. People get married, and stop caring for each other. This is an awful view of love. There are so many terrible views of love. One of the pure views of love that are left in the world is when I look at mothers who truly love their children. They will do anything to protect them and give them the best lives possible. That’s what love should be. Fighting for the one you love, willing to die for that person, that’s love.

Now, I know we are talking about animals and not humans, and many people do not consider them on the same level, so that’s fine. Let’s go with that. But love, in no sense of any manner, means killing the thing you love. Think of a child’s favourite toy, or an adult’s favourite car. You love that toy/car. If that object were to “die”, you would be incredibly upset and angry. These objects aren’t even alive. Yet the cows are. (This also goes for pigs/sheep/chickens, etc…)

So these ALIVE things that farmers are claiming they “love” are raised to be killed. Does that still seem like love to you? Is it caring to kill them?

I had someone tell me that ranchers and farmers are different. That’s cool. I can see they are different. That’s not a big deal to me. The ranchers say they are animal rights activists and they do what they can to give the cows the best lives they can. Well, although it does seem like a very nice gesture to give an animal the best life possible for their short lives, do you think they would call it a “good life” to live for a couple years then be killed? Would you call it a “good life” if you were raised to the age of 2 or 18 (2 year old cow = 18 years as a human) to know you would be placed with a bullet between your eyes and then cut apart for others to eat? Would you call that loving? Is that caring? Knowing you were only born to be food? I don’t think so.

I think there is such a disconnect in this world! It’s crazy! If you are willing to put all that care into an animal, taking a cow into your home to warm them up, saying that you “love” them, well, I will agree you are acting that way. But why do you stop loving them? Why does it change from this seemingly “love” feeling to a feeling of “get on my plate! Die!” Is that how you feel about your dog? Is that how you feel about your cat? Is that how you feel about your children? They’re only worth loving for so long before you get rid of them and don’t care what happens to them?

Some of you may be wondering why I have such a big deal over a simple word. But here’s the reason, people are not owning what actually happens. Sure, the cow may have a “good life” before its death date. But here’s what happens to this “beloved animal” on it’s death date. It gets taken on a usually overloaded cow trailer where they are not given water or anything of substance on the way to slaughter. Once they get to the slaughterhouse, they become terribly frightened. They hear other cows expressing their fright and just as a dog has amazing senses in the personality of humans, cows are no different. They can sense fear and know something is wrong. The “beloved” creatures are as scared as a child in the dark except darkness is easy to fix, death is not. So not only are they unloaded to this terrible place, many people abuse these animals while they are still alive, fighting with creatures who are only scared and reacting as such. Do you go in and punish your child for having a nightmare? These cows are LIVING their nightmare and being punished for it.

When the time comes to be killed, a bullet is put between their eyes. Now, according to government regulations, it’s ok if they’re not killed by that bullet as long as they are stunned and unable to move. Now, I don’t know about you, but it’s almost like a totally functioning person in a coma. These people, when out of the coma, are able to tell you things that people said because they were totally there, just not in control of their body. That’s how these cows are except they can’t tell you what people are saying, but they can tell you about the hooks that were painfully shoved through their legs. Would you like to be alive with hooks piercing your body? I’m going to guess not. Of course, the hook is not enough to kill the cow. So the next step is being sliced open down the middle of their bodies and through their neck. Mmm. What an awesome feeling while you’re still alive. So humane. Such a “loved” and “cared about” animal, right?

So here’s the thing. If you can accept what you do, and you have no problem saying cows are just money to you, that you don’t actually love them and don’t care about the violence you put them through, then by all means that’s at least not hypocritical. Again, I don’t agree with it and think it speaks volumes about the kind of person you are, but I at least appreciate the honesty. But if you advertise to the world that you are such a caring and loving person to these animals, you are so hypocritical and maybe even lying to yourself! I’m asking farmers and ranchers to take responsibility for their actions. You’re not really an animal rights activist when you’re still sending them to a bitter death. So that’s the part I have a problem with. Accept the realities of your job. Don’t just pretend that you’re doing something good for them because for all the good you did before, I guarantee the cows would choose a little less cozy life in exchange for keeping their lives. Nobody wants to die, not even animals. They are alive, they have thoughts, they are just unable to communicate to us the way we need to understand. So start thinking and accept what the truth is. That’s it. If you choose to continue to eat meat, like I said, that’s your choice. But know where that meat is coming from and what that animal is going through to get to your stomach when the world over knows a vegetarian/vegan diet is a way to thrive. You don’t need meat, you don’t need dairy products. But make your choice while being educated and not hiding the truth.

Know the truth, own your choice.

Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go The Way You Think

It’s without a doubt you’ve had some experience with this. It could be that everything seems to be going great one minute and then falls apart the next. It could be that everything is aligned to go a certain way and still it derails before your very eyes. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure you’ve experienced something like this at least once in your life.

Tonight I had one of these experiences and unfortunately I’m not up to sharing it right now. But it blind – sided me; totally took me by surprise.  It literally broke my heart and sent me into a downward spiral. And incase you’re wondering, no my husband and I are not getting a divorce. I wouldn’t have the strength to write you if that was the case. But this event that happened tonight reminded me that no matter what, I can’t live this life on my own. I have to be in close contact, holding the hand of my heavenly father every step of the way. I get blind – sided,  but He doesn’t.  I fall down and break apart but He doesn’t.  I sometimes feel like giving up on everything,  not seeing the point in anything. But God never gives up. And He sees the point in everything.  And therefore, I am reminded that I need Him daily, hourly, and each second.

I had a friend talk to me for the first time in a few weeks and she asked how I’ve been. So I updated her on the events of only the last week. Her question that followed was the same I get from many people,  “Is your life ever boring?”. It’s so true! I don’t have a chance to be bored. My life is either actively going in the right direction or I’m left scrambling to pick my life back up and put the pieces together enough to function again. I don’t get a break. It NEVER ends.

The more I sat and thought of this, the more I was reminded of things people have told me and things that I believe.

#1: God has me in my life for a reason and as much as I may not like it, it’s because He knows I’m the one who will somehow battle through it and develop the strength from previous events to tackle the increasing grandeur of future events. I seriously look over my past, the fears, the unknowns, and through God’s grace, I made it through stronger than before. But shortly after comes an event of larger size that once again breaks me down until through God’s grace once again, I build greater endurance and strength to overcome again. I mean I’m only in my early twenties,  and through the small amount of stories I share with my students at school, I have parents that have come to tell me I’ve been through more things that most people twice my age. I’m always scared of sounding like a know – it – all because I’ve moved so much, travelled some, been through extensive amounts of situations I can give info on so many different things. Students often come to my classroom to talk or to get advice because they know I’ve got something.  And maybe that’s part of the purpose, so that I can counsel others.  But it’s still an excruciatingly painful process with many scars that unfortunately get carried along.

#2: The devil attacks those He’s afraid of. Quite often, I’ve been reminded that the devil doesn’t waste his time on those who already deny God. His goal is to get us as far away FROM God as possible,  so he would only spend his time attacking those who try to regain for Christ’s kingdom, those who love God and try to follow Him the best they can. I’ve been told that when life is going seamlessly great, you have to question why the devil is not after you.  Again, not great news, because it basically guarantees life is going to be rough. But at the same time, God never guaranteed an easy life. He simply promised that those who endure on Earth will be rewarded in Heaven.  He promised that whenever we asked, He would help us. And that’s how we get through the worst parts of life, with God carrying us part of the way.

Tonight has not been the easiest night, but I know that God is here with me and is holding His hand over my heart, whispering that everything will be ok because He has this whole world in His hands. And I will cling to His embrace knowing that He is the reason I’m here and the reason I continue to survive through each thing I encounter. God is literally my all.