A couple years ago, I was invited by a friend to join a group of Facebook. Upon reviewing the group, I found that it was indeed Christian focused and designed specifically for women. I thought, “Great! Another way to get … Continue reading
Journal:
I don’t even really want to write this post today. I’m exhausted; drained. Not getting home before 6:30 at the earliest (8:30 at the latest) each and every work day is wearing me out. Not to mention, that does not include getting everything I need done, done. I’m behind on almost everything that I should have done by now as a teacher. But it is because I have had such a difficult start to the year… and I thought last year was bad! Oh how little did I know back then…
So in the entirety of an insane day, I ate 2 bananas. That’s it. By the time I finally got home (around 7:00 pm or shortly after), not only was I exhausted, but I was also extremely hungry. I wasn’t sure how I was feeling after today’s after-school meeting. A decision was made that I was honestly sitting on the fence about. It either meant I was going to have a much easier rest of the year, or that I had to prepare for what could be a very difficult and exhausting year in its entirety. My heart was being optimistic, but my head was being realistic. And though the decision was to press forward and though my heart was prepared, my head was left wondering what I may be preparing to put myself through. I was a slight emotional disaster. Needless to say, it was not a good situation.
So what did I do? I gave in. The thought of bananas almost sickened me and I went out. It was late; the skies were dark. I was emotional, exhausted, drained, and hungry. I was reaching for comfort which is something I rarely do. In fact, I normally don’t eat when I’m stressed or upset. So whether the chips from yesterday had something to do with the immense desire for something else or not, I’m not 100% sure but I would assume that it did. The interesting part is that I did not want my usual comfort foods. My usual Mexican place did not entice me. I didn’t want the heavy feeling of beans and rice in my stomach (something I normally would have jumped on right away before I started this journey). I didn’t want a huge, cooked, gourmet meal from a sit-down restaurant. I wanted a pita (not even the type of bread I normally want as I usually want fluffy bread) filled with fresh veggies. What a craving. If all I had ever craved in my life was a flat, pocket pita bread with fresh veggies in it, weight would never have been an issue. But either way, I decided I needed to listen to my body today after all the punishment it’s been through and I went off.
I went to Extreme Pita and ordered a regular falafel on white. I added lightly sautéed veggies (green pepper, onions and mushrooms sautéed in water not oil), pineapple, tabouleh, pickles, lettuce, tomato, a tablespoon of beans and chickpeas (decided to see how I would react to so little), and topped it with about a tablespoon of hummus and some sweet chilli sauce.
The first few bites were pretty good. It felt so good to just get out, sit down, stop stressing about the one thing my mind has been on lately since a decision was finally made, and just enjoy some free time for the first time in weeks. I say “free time”, but even while I was eating I was responding to work e-mails and catching up on work-related things that I should have done before but never had the time to. However, if I am truly honest, about half-way through the pita, it wasn’t tasting as good as it had. It’s not that anything had changed, but I simply realized it didn’t taste as good to me as it once had. My body has changed throughout this challenge. I don’t crave the heavy feeling in my stomach anymore. Cooked food does not taste as good to me as it once did. Yes, I am realizing that I don’t crave sweetness all of the time anymore, especially since I have been craving the taste of veggies to get a break from the fruit for quite awhile. But my body is not the same as it was before. And though I had the biggest fear of starving all the time when I started this challenge, I have not experienced even close to the amount of weakness and feelings of death as I thought I would have been. It’s quite incredible to say the least.
So after eating, I drove to the gym. I had full intentions of going in and doing something. But as I paused to sit in my car for just a few moments to finish letting the day sink in, I realized that this was the furthest thing from what my body wanted today. It wasn’t a day where I had to go to something because I was so stressed. It was a day where all the stress led to this decision and now that the decision was made, that is one stress that is gone. My body wanted to rest. It didn’t want to keep giving output when it finally had a chance to take a breath. Once I realized this, I left and drove home. Three and a half weeks of stress, of never taking a break while things were happening every single day, of not sleeping enough, and of meetings every single work day, it was time to just say no. It honestly was the best thing I could have done. Sometimes we simply need to listen to our bodies.
When I got home, I noticed those oatmeal bars that I had received the other day. I decided since I had already blown my banana day by eating a pita, I might as well try the squares. Don’t let yourself get into this mindset. It’s not worth it. I ended up eating a piece of a square only to taste flour. Oh my word. It took me back to being a child when you think the flour should taste good just because cookie dough tastes good. And when you take a big bite of flour, you sadly realize how wrong you were. Though this clearly wasn’t all flour, that’s the biggest flavour I had in my mouth. Now, if I had not been doing this cleanse, I guarantee it would have tasted different to me. But because of this cleanse, because my body has changed so much and flavours are so noticeable to me, that’s what I could taste and I had no motivation to continue eating them.
I relaxed for awhile, then went to sleep. Tomorrow is hopefully a brighter day.
Review of Symptoms:
-Exhausted.
-Stressed.
-Hungry after eating only 2 bananas all day.
-Taste buds are SUPER sensitive.
-Acne is the same.
-Despite eating a little, energy is still there.
Weight at the end of the day = 174.6 lbs (same as yesterday)
Total Calories = approx. 861 (68% carbs, 22% fat, 10% protein… a little high in fat)
It has been such an emotional week for me this week. After an incident that occurred last week, the decision was brought down from Academic Standards Committee as to what would occur as punitive and redemptive actions in this situation. Of course, I had to write the e-mail, and then answer the questions that later ensued as to what had actually occurred as well as the details of the final decision.
So far, parents have seemed understanding and supportive. It’s the students that I worry about the most.
I hope one day my students understand
The reasons why I had to do what I did
The amount of punishment I suffered with them
The fact that I wanted to erase the event and the consequences with it
The reasons why I couldn’t
The reasons why I had to follow through even when I didn’t want to
The reasons why I can seem so harsh
Only because I want them to see their own potential
I hope one day my students understand
How much I cared and wanted them to succeed
The tears I’ve cried and the time I’ve spent
The lasting effects of memories
I hope one day my students understand
That I tried to do the best I could
A year is short in the grand scheme of life
There is no time to waste
I have to do what I can each day
Even if it means correcting mistakes
I hope one day my students understand
That it wasn’t just to “get them in trouble”
My care is genuine, much deeper than that
I hope one day they’ll see it.
To any other teachers reading this blog: Do you ever feel this way? I’m finding truth in the fact that it’s usually the more difficult students, the ones you spend so much time trying to “fix” or “correct” that grow on you the most. Since I have no children of my own, these students essentially are my children. And I think that just makes it worse when things go wrong.
I know I’ll get through this, it’s just another bump in the road. But that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. It’s so hard not to reach out and want to take all of their pain and hardships away. It’s hard to watch them learn the difficulties of life. But you have to, or they’ll never learn the difference between what is right and wrong. And so it is my prayer each night, that no matter what happens, they’ll someday understand and see how much I care. I hope one day my students will understand…
So, my husband and I have been trying to find a second vehicle that is in newer to new condition, low mileage, and within our budget. There are a few other key factors, such as need to be AWD or 4WD because the winters here are drastic. It has been such a struggle.
Last night, it really got out of hand. You see, stress does horrible things, and when it’s something that you’ve been stressed about for almost two weeks, that stress seems to build up and almost take control. Unfortunately, that’s what happened last night. I was freaking out. My husband felt lost. We were not in a good place.
He severely injured his calf a couple days ago and couldn’t join me at the gym. And as tired as I felt, I knew I needed to go. Even though I went by myself, I spent almost 3 hours there, and didn’t even touch a cardio machine. I lifted and lifted and lifted.
Metal takes the punishment. Metal takes my anger. Metal allows me to release the stress I have and won’t fight you back. I’ve found nothing that depletes my stress better than a solid workout at the gym.
I call these stress workouts my emotional workouts because I go through so many emotions if I’m that stressed. At first, I was tired, lifeless, wondering if I was really going to workout or not. This was a matter of going through the motions. Then I started thinking about things between my sets, during my rests. Then I picked up the pace and just lifted, and lifted, and lifted with very little rest. And then my hardness seemed to break. My body was getting worn out, my brain was getting worn in.
I had acted ridiculous. It’s not just me dealing with a future decision. My husband is there with me, going through the exact same things. And yet in our discussion, I had talked mostly of myself. I had been completely selfish. And though I’m not a fan of people who text at the gym, I got my cell while doing ab work on the floor, and texted my apology. I would only message during my rests, but it helped to settle things between us, to connect again. It helped to resolved things which helped me finish my workout strong. Feeling balanced and almost normal again allowed my body to really breathe and relax during my final stretches. By the end of the workout, things were right again.
The gym and working out does so much for me. There are so many benefits, so many blessings it provides. It helps me to manage my life, manage my stress, manage my thoughts and emotions. The gym is always there for me when I need it (except those weekend nights they claim to be “24 hours” but they’re not). But it’s something I can take my feelings out on without the worry of hurting anyone else. It’s amazing.
I’m curious what the gym does for you. How does it help you in life? Leave a comment below and share your story. I’d love to hear it!
Calm in Christ and Fitness 