When I Realized My Grandfather Really Wasn’t Coming Back

Something happened today that really jarred my memory and brought me to write this post. I saw the following picture on Facebook and it got me thinking about my grandfather.

It took me right back to the moments where I can remember thinking about him and instantly started crying. Even now writing this, I can feel the water filling up in my eyes. I know many of you will say that you have/had an awesome grandfather to, but I’d like to take a minute to tell you about mine, and how special he truly was.

I guess it starts when my mother became pregnant with me. My parents were not married. I guess my grandfather liked my dad, but he was very upset about the whole situation and didn’t talk to my mother for days. However, being the man that he was, he still bought her a crib and everything she would need for me, even though he wasn’t talking to her. He was always that way, taking care of things even when he was upset.

Of course, as soon as I was born, he was completely smitten. My mother is a child of two, but lived very much a single child’s life. She never met her brother as he died on a surgery table a few months after he was born. That meant, I was the first and only grandchild.

My parents didn’t stay together very long. They did get married after I was born, but separated when I was about 4, officially divorcing when I was around 5. Where do you think we went back to? My grandparents. In fact, their home was very much “home base” my entire life.

My grandfather always spoiled me (and later my other siblings). I have pictures where my toys barely fit in the picture with me. My father told me that I would get tired of opening gifts because there were simply so many. I had this 6″+ man wrapped around my tiny finger. There’s no denying he loved me.

My grandfather was a used car salesman. In fact, it was my mother’s company that he worked for her since she dropped out of college to be home with me. The company was even named after my sister and I. But eventually he took over the company and changed its name since he did become the only one running the business.

I used to love visiting him at his office. My grandmother and I would get lunches for him, he would let me sit in his office chair, I would be called his “Number 1 Dudette”, and I loved the fact that everywhere we went, people always knew and respected my grandfather, and thus treated me as if I was a special person. I had never met anyone who didn’t know or like my grandfather.

If you could imagine the biggest realistic playground in the world, that would be my grandfather’s car lot. He gave me access to all the keys and vehicles in his lot. I can still remember the amount of fun we had pretending to drive the cars, and especially in exploring the only RV I remember him having. Only once did he ask me to backup a truck into a corner spot. My mother sat in the passenger seat with me, and I remember learning really quick to use my mirrors. I was so scared I would mess up his vehicles in this tight spot. But I did it! I still can’t believe he trusted me…

If I could compare him to anything, it would very much be the godfather. I’m not joking when I say that everyone seemed to know who he was. He was an amazing man when he was happy, but he was always a man you feared when he was unhappy. I don’t remember him every getting mad at me, but it was a general rule that when he came home, the remote control to the television had to be in the right spot for him to lay on the couch and watch what he wanted. He became upset if the remote went missing. There were just certain things you knew not to do.

Sometimes, my grandmother and him would fight. I’m sure there’s not a couple in the world who has not at least had one argument. Sometimes, or maybe more than sometimes, this meant he would stay at his office for the night. It was a conveniently built, small building that contained 3 rooms and a tiny hallway. One room was “the office”. The second room was of course a washroom. And the third room was his bedroom. It contained only a tv, a bed, and a mini fridge. It pretty much had everything he needed if he needed a night away. So it was a fairly normal occurrence for him not to come home sometimes.

The best thing about my grandfather was that he was always there for us. There was a time when we didn’t have the most money, and work was slow. My grandfather always provided what we needed, and then some. Most of you know that I have moved like 20 times with my family, not including on my own. The one person who was always there, regardless of where we were, was my grandfather. He never missed an opportunity to come and stay with us. (Of course I should say my grandmother always came with him as well, but I will dedicate a post to her another day.) He was honestly one of the biggest constants in my life.

When my family made the official decision to move from the east coast to the west coast, my grandparents offered to bring my sister and I out at the end of summer so that we could spend the extra time with our father. It was a fair bit of a long drive, but even then my grandfather trusted me with reading the map (before GPS systems). I almost think his belief in me helped me grow to the independent woman I am today. I have a lot to credit him for.

They stayed with us at our new place for a few days. Early in the morning, him and I would get up and drive to a hotel or another homey restaurant to eat. He was not a chain-restaurant type of person. Even back in the town he worked, he had one particular restaurant he preferred to eat at, and everybody knew his specials and what he enjoyed eating. He always preferred the homestyle cooking. In fact, he met my grandmother while she was waitressing at such a type of restaurant. My family and I have visited that restaurant a few times and imagined what it must have been like. They still have the juke boxes and the old stools. Sometimes it’s nice to preserve history rather than to embrace change.

We then took a trip to the “big city” so my grandparents could see it before they left. We had a lot of fun. At one point, we lost my grandfather in the big mall. I’ll never forget him driving around on those motorized scooters for people who can’t walk well. He had even gotten an orange smoothie and I guess spilled it all over the machine. If you knew my grandfather like I did, you would picture him using colourful language for the time he was mad, then acting like nothing ever happened.

I don’t remember how we ever found him, but I can tell you it was one of the hardest good-byes of my life.This wasn’t just moving a few hours away, this was a four day drive across the country. Of course they would come visit again, but the visits would never be as frequent as before. What I didn’t know was that my tears would get worse before they ever got better.

Literally two or three days after we returned to our new home, I got a call from my grandmother. It sounded like her for sure, but something was a little different. She asked to speak to my mom pretty much right away, so I gave my mom the phone and sat on the landing of the stairs. My mother took the phone into her room which was at the top of the stairs. The next words I heard told me pretty much everything I didn’t want to hear. She said, as she began crying, “Oh Mom!”.

My grandparents had been involved in a car accident on their journey home. An impatient driver went in their lane to pass a semi-truck and didn’t see my grandparents van coming at them. My grandmother was in the hospital, a little bruised but otherwise ok (she would later need nose surgery to correct the alignment). My grandparents’ friend who was helping them drive home had so many broken bones, including ribs and shoulder, and would also need counselling for what happened (he was driving at the time – completely not his fault). But my grandfather didn’t make it.The speed they were traveling on the highway, and the impact of a completely head-on hit left the vehicle in shambles and took my grandfather with it.

Immediately, we packed and drove back to the city. I thankfully had a great aunt and uncle who lived just outside the limits and welcomingly invited us in until we could all make arrangements to fly home. My mother was able to fly right away to be with my grandmother, but there were 4 more of us to fly, and we had to wait for a cheaper ticket to afford it.

It was so strange when I got home. Being in my grandparents house seemed so normal. I mean, I was only at my “new home” for less than a week. I had no attachments to it and didn’t even have to act like it was supposed to be my new home. I had come home and it felt like life should be normal again.

I know I cried a few times, but I remember just having the attitude and thoughts of “My grandfather is just at his office, staying the night like he usually does. Sometime he’ll come home.”

I still remember it as clear as yesterday: My mother and I were sitting in the living room, on separate couches, not talking much as we didn’t for a while, and her saying the exact same thing that I felt – that Grampy was just at his office and sometime he would come home. And it hit us right then that we had to realize it was wasn’t true, that Grampy really wasn’t coming back. I broke down (just like I am again now) because he was always there, for everything! How could he not come back this time! How could the one stable thing in my life not come back! It was so hard to accept.

Sitting in his house, seeing all of his old stuff, going to his office, it was all so hard to do when you realize the person who has always been there for you, the person who has loved you your whole life was suddenly gone. My nickname would never be used again, except when telling stories of him. My promise from him of giving me my first car would never come true. My life was drastically left with an empty hole that I’m not sure was ever filled again. Nobody could take his place, and I could never have been prepared for that instant change in time.

Life is not fair, and it never will be. The devil is waiting for any opportunity to attack and make a mess of things. He knows which strings to pull and he knows how to make things hurt you more than anyone else. He knows he can damage us and take away everything that means the world to us, which is why it’s so important to turn to God when you’re hurting, to let Him hold you and tell you that everything is going to be ok, because one day, it will. One day, when Jesus returns and we are taken to Heaven with Him, there will not be anymore pain, there will not be anymore death, there will not be anymore tears. I don’t know what my grandfather’s relationship with Christ was like. I know he sort of had a falling out at one point, but he insisted my mom make sure she took us to church. So I only hope and pray that he had a good relationship with God, because it would be so nice to run into those loving arms I miss so dearly, the loving arms that were missing during both of my graduations and my wedding, the loving arms that were taken away from me way too soon.

I miss this man more than anything, and truly just thinking of how much I miss him brings me to tears almost instantly. Hold your loved ones close and make sure you let them know how important they are to you. You never know which instant will take them away.

My New Experiment: Fruit

I think it’s time for a little background:

I grew up a hunter’s daughter. My father grew up a lumberjack’s son. He learned quickly in life that there was not a ton of money, and so my grandmother grew a vegetable garden, and whatever my grandfather was able to hunt was the meat they served (rabbits, deer, moose, partridge, etc…).

Thus, I grew up a heavy meat eater. In fact, stews or beans with biscuits, and the typical “meat and potatoes” were quite frequently a supper meal. Of course with the younger generations and slightly more money, pizzas and junk foods made their way in the diet as well. But it would not be uncommon for me as a child to sit down and eat a pound of bacon myself. That’s just the way it was.

I remember when I met my first vegetarians. They were like celebrities to me because the only people I ever knew of that would even think of not eating meat were celebrities. Nobody in the “real world” would ever think to live without eating meat. It must surely be a way to die!

However, seeing these people live, and healthily, gave me a spark that continued to grow. One morning, in my teenage years, I simply woke up, and told my mother never to make meat for me again.

Did I exactly know what I was getting into? Absolutely not. In fact, eating some vegetarian junk food without learning the proper way to eat healthily vegetarian landed me with intensive stomach pains and a visit to the hospital where the doctor informed me of some key staples I should be eating to be healthy. Oops. Learned that lesson the hard way.

And so it began. A somewhat healthier 10-11 years of being a vegetarian. Cold turkey. No going back.

It wasn’t until I met my husband, and found out he had grown up vegetarian that I went back to eating meat. Sounds weird, I know. But he met my family at my university graduation weekend, and my stepfather is notoriously known for his bbqing skills. My brother convinced him to try a “real” burger, and he was hooked. Of course, eventually it got to me, and I began eating meat again.

Of course, since I had been studying the Bible more and learning about healthier ways of eating, I still did not eat pork or animals considered “unclean”. I stuck with the basics of chicken, turkey, beef, and some fish. I am an Atlantic girl, and fish (specifically Atlantic Salmon) has always been a favourite.

Now recently, I’ve been reading and studying more into health. I’ve been looking at vegan diets, raw vegan diets, the details of what is going on with the meat that is served to us these days, the packaging, the handling, the processing, all of these things that are completely vital for us to know truly what we are putting in our bodies. And I’ve come to a conclusion: I need to get rid of the meat and animal products.

I could go on forever and ever about the toxins, poisons, and everything that is being put into animal products. I could tell you all about the fact that the majority of the meat we buy in stores has already gone bad and we don’t even know it. I could go on and on about how safety inspections are unrealistic, and how really, at the end of it all, we can only do the best we can with what we’re given. A hot topic, especially for someone who works out is of course how you get in enough protein.

But I’ve decided, the only true way to convince people is not a lecture, but to simply be a living example. And that is what I’m going to do.

Now, my husband is not quite on board with me on this, and I have promised to never ask him to change. If my life leads a perfect example, I figure that should be proof in and of itself. But little by little, he seems to be a little more supportive, though maintaining zero interest in it for himself, which is totally fine.

My plan is to still workout, to still continue researching how to eat properly, and to still continue on with everything else the same, except for how I eat. One difference. I’m getting the junk out of my system!

If you’re interested in this topic and wanting to know more yourself, the following are some of the links that I refer to frequently:

1. http://thebananagirl.com (she has other links from this site as well)

2. http://veganbodybuilding.com (some athletes even provide examples of their daily meals in their profiles)

3. http://www.thefrankmedrano.com (a man who chose to become vegan)

There are many more, but those are just a few to get started. I will keep you posted on how this goes!

#onajourneybacktoEden

The Most Emotional Spring Break

Wow. Where do I even begin…

This year I was actually looking forward to my Spring Break (for the first time since I’ve started teaching). I had the new passion planner my parents got me, I booked my days full of cleaning and catching up on life… and grading too.

On Friday, the very first thing that happened was my washing machine broke. I had so much laundry to catch-up on, but that was going to have to wait. Not a good beginning sign…

The next few days went rather well. Starting Monday, I found myself sticking to my schedules I had created, and conquering so much of the work that had been put off for way too long. I cleaned my basement, my kitchen, my entry, my stairs, my bedroom, part of my office, most of my bathroom, and even categorized some items I have to sell! It was so productive. And yes, I got quite a bit of grading done as well. I even spent excess time with my dogs and my skinny pig. I was so happy.

First, I got news that my sister was pregnant. Normally, this would be exciting news, except my sister’s life has been very rocky the last few years. She was currently with a not-so-good boyfriend, a not-so-good job, and renting a bedroom from a house – definitely not a place or situation to raise a child! She also has not had healthcare for years, and is not consistent with taking care of herself – not good for the baby, let alone her!

This turned into a very rocky situation of my step-father taking her to his hotel with him, her leaving behind his back, him buying her a plane ticket and her never returning to the hotel like she said she would. It turned into many phone calls, texts, and Facebook messages, few and far between responses from my sister, and potentially very bad situations that I cannot elaborate on at this time. What resulted of the situation was that my sister promised to be back in time for our day together on Friday which never happened. My step-father ended up picking her up on Sunday, keeping her with him Sunday night, and flying out with her on Monday. I was worried she would even refuse to get on the plane, but for some reason, she did it. Now she is home with my family who will help her get back on her feet and hopefully be able to handle her emotions at this time. It’s going to be a long road for her.

Amidst those difficulties, worrying and stress, my skinny pig died. After having an awesome week, being able to spend all that extra time with him, we noticed he was acting strange on Friday morning. So we went to the pet store, bought liquid vitamins to put in his water, and by the time we came home, he was dead. Mind you, he was at least 4 years old, if not more than that. So for a skinny/guinea pig, he was in the upper range of their age. It is just incredibly sad that he has been with us for 4 years and we have bonded with him so much. Our little guy’s passing was incredibly hard to take amidst everything else on this break.

As the title of this blog speaks, this was probably the most emotional Spring Break I’ve ever had. I hope it’s the last one like this I ever have. But from here, we can only move on and hope for better.

Week 9 Day 2

This morning was just not a good morning. I woke up unhappy, and just couldn’t seem to lift my own spirits today. My husband didn’t have to go to work until late, and so everything was rushed more than normal this morning. I missed being late by literally a hair, and I just felt such a mess this morning.

To continue matters, our worship today was filled with intense sadness. A brother to one of the teachers at a sister-school lost his wife due to some health complication that they weren’t able to save her from. To make matters more complicated, she was 6 months pregnant with their first child. They managed to save the child which of course is what his full attention is on as of now. He knows that his wife would have wanted him to do whatever necessary to keep their child alive, and so that is what he’s focussed so heavily on now. The baby is just over 2 lbs; very tiny and so very young. The problem is, he’s in the states, and as many of you know, this is not going to be an easy road financially with so many weeks to months of recovery for such a premature baby. I am going to ask that you please keep this man in your prayers. You may have no association to him, but these are people who thought little of themselves. In fact, they actually met while both volunteering for relief services after 9/11. The more I hear about this couple, the more unfair it seems. And the whole thing is that we will have no idea why God allows these things to happen to people that seem so good, the kind of people this world needs more of. But it is in my faith that God will wrap His arms around this man and his tiny son, and that He will help that son grow to a healthy state so that he can go home with his dad.

If you feel moved by this tragedy, I will leave the link to the donation site below. I’ve always been in Canada where we have not had to worry about such extreme health care costs. He needs your help. But most importantly, he needs your prayers.

Anyways, worship left me in a continued saddened state. The next stop was taking attendance and getting my students upstairs for our Remembrance Day ceremony. This assembly allowed me to take a breath, and to really contemplate things in my life, and realize again that I am so fortunate and blessed to have what I have. Even if my car needs work done, even if it’s extremely cold outside, even if my house is so trashed that I’d be embarrassed for anyone to see it, I still have things that other people do not. I need to be more grateful.

I’d love to say the rest of the day went much better, but no amount of reflection could have prepared me for the energy the kids brought today. They did so well containing it during the ceremony, but after finding out it was -25 Celsius outside, and so recess was inside, all of their energy was coming out in my room! Oh the madness! I was so glad when the day was done.

After school, I was not done work. In fact, I stayed at work until 8:00 p.m. I then came home, got ready, and went to the gym. I needed the gym tonight.

Tonight’s workout was supposed to be three circuits for back and biceps, but the gym was so packed! It ended up being supersets instead of full circuits just whenever I could find available machines or benches. I skipped cardio tonight because my mind was not in it. Instead, we came home and I continued to work on school related things until after 1:00 a.m. and even then, only went to bed because I knew I needed to. Definitely looking forward to an uplifted mood tomorrow!

If you’d like to donate to the tragedy described above, please click on the link below. I know he would very much appreciate any bit of help he can get to help his son fight for his life! Thank you in advance!

http://www.youcaring.com/memorial-fundraiser/ashley-picco-memorial-fund/260229

Week 6 Day 4

I finally got it last night on the treadmill. I finally thought up a few examples that really showed me things that were very difficult to forgive, but I have forgiven. As I reviewed my list, I realized these things hurt me more than they have ever made me angry. I narrowed my list to four things as I only wanted to summarize yesterday’s topic before presenting what I had prepared for today. My list consisted of the following: My father did not attend my high school nor my university graduations, my sister almost died due to the doctor’s mistake of putting latex elastics (of which she’s allergic to) in her mouth following jaw surgery causing her to near death, my friends burned down my family’s camp in a drunken stupor one Halloween night which contained years of memories that will never be replaced since my family was in the middle of renewing the insurance, and finally, the one that is still able to make me cry at any moment, is the fact that my grandfather died when an impatient driver went to pass a semi-truck and ran head into my grandparents’ vehicle coming in the opposite direction. Four extremely difficult situations I had to go through.

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that yes, these things cause me sadness, but I don’t hold grudges against the people who were guilty. And here is what I figured out:

1. My life philosophy: Hate what the person did, but don’t hate the person. The truth of the matter is, if sin did not exist, the person would not have done what they did. God did not design us to be this way, but we all sin because of the fall in the Garden of Eden. When Jesus returns, sin will no longer exist. Therefore, just as we reflect on ourselves being sinful, hate the sin but not the person.

2. Allowing someone to suffer what we choose to be consequences for what they’ve done is a method of passing judgement. We are not the ultimate judge. Yes, Earth has judges for major sins that are here so that hopefully less sin will be created, but who are we to gossip about those who have made mistakes against us? We cannot claim to be the judge that God is, and thus should not carry out such punishments.

3. I thought of the story in John 8 where the people brought forth the prostitute expecting Jesus to agree that she should be stoned. However, Jesus responded in a way they didn’t expect, and that was that whoever had not sinned should be the first to cast a stone. Yet, nobody could because everyone had sinned. In this same way, how are we to again, punish others in such a way yet expect forgiveness for when we do something?

4. In a way, Jesus became the person you are upset at. Jesus did not just die for one person’s sins, He died for ALL of humanity’s sins. Think about that. In order to truly die on the cross for us, He had to essentially become all the bad things that we are. He became the bad in all of us. And I thought if I were to see the face of Jesus in the person I’m upset at, would I really be able to stay upset? This is a hard one to think of…

With that being said, I quickly summarized and prayed that those ideas would stick for anyone having difficulties with forgiveness. I then proceeded to continue with my topic for today.

Today’s School Spirit Week day was Tacky Day. Quite frankly, I hate this day. I don’t find “fun” in dressing tacky. But I do it to support my students. So tacky it was. When trying to think of a topic associated with dressing tacky, it quite easily came to me that the topic should be on how life can get messy. And I had a great personal story about this that I was given permission to share, and that was on my step-sister, Natalie.

Natalie was a child with a free spirit that did not easily get along with my dad. Quite understandably, it is hard for a man to come into your life that in a way seems to be taking place of your dad. I can completely relate to that. But she was encouraged by her true father to move out early. She moved out with her boyfriend at the young age of 15. She then proceeded to get involved with drugs which eventually led to many (I believe up to 15) times of being in and out of rehab. Then, the fearful happened. She became pregnant.

During her pregnancy, she seemed to come clean. She moved back in with her mom and my dad, and although there were still some arguments between my dad and her, she seemed to be doing alright. Several months later, twin boys emerged. They were premature, but healthy. I sing my praises to God that those boys were and still are healthy. So many things could have happened. But as they were now born and she fed from a bottle, it was becoming noticeable that she drank.

One Christmas break, my sister and I were at our dad’s, and our step-mom noticed she was getting an alcoholic drink. And so, my step-mom locked up the alcohol in her bedroom. What came next, none of us were prepared for. She went ballistic. She was pounding on the door, screaming that it was unfair, that they should allow her to drink, and finally that she was going to get her babies and they were going to leave. This got so out of hand that it got to the point, the almost unbearable point for my step-mom, that the babies were in danger and the police needed to be called. Keep in mind, my poor dad is running three things at the same time: apologizing and trying to lighten the mood for my sister and I, trying to console and counsel my step-mom, and keeping my step-sister and her babies in the house while keeping unwanted people out.

When the police came, they gave her the option of going upstairs to say good-bye to her babies. She fought and fought them until they eventually and literally dragged her out of the house. If only I could share with you the nightmare. I have never heard someone scream and yell like I heard her scream and yell that night. If I hadn’t known better, I would have thought she was being stabbed to death. The awful things she was yelling at her mother would definitely be carried for a long time. That’s when I really knew what addictions could do.

She was released the next day, and I expected that when she called, she would at least ask how her babies were. But do you want to know the ONLY question she asked? When her mom could come get her and take her to get her Methodone shot. No joke. I was in shock. To care about a drug replacement shot to help with her previous addictions over the care of her own children.

Later, she did move out into her own apartment with her children, but by that Friday, my dad and step-mom had the boys over for a sleep-over that they would never return from. She was not using her finances for the true care of her children but rather to feed her addictions, and so learned that she could live on her own again while visiting her children as they were kept at my dad’s.

As much as I’d like to say that she got the help she needed, I can’t. I can remember a conversation we had late one night where she was telling me that the worst thing for her was realizing that she had no dreams left. She used to want to be an actress, to be all of these big things in her life. But she realized that her addictions have drained all of these hopes, all of these goals and dreams out of her, and she had nothing left. Perhaps this was one of the most painful realizations for her. Because one night, in winter, I received a phone call from my dad. His voice was shaky, and he sounded as if he was ready to cry. As much as Natalie and him fought, she was still a huge part of his life as his step-daughter. And I believe this is what made it so difficult that the police had shown up on their doorstep the night before asking them to come and confirm the identification of the body they had found under a bridge. Upon investigation, they had come to believe that she had jumped off the bridge as there was only one set of footprints in the snow that led to the railing and thus leading to the body below. What a hard thing to accept. After years and years of drug abuse, of alcohol abuse, and of accepting that you have nothing left to live for in life, I can only imagine the pain she must have been in. She knew that rehab wouldn’t help because it hadn’t in the past. She couldn’t seem to escape the relationship abuses from men, the fact that she couldn’t find the help she needed nor the inability to escape the addictions that had control over her. This was nothing short of terrible.

Of course, the following fear came that child services would take the boys away. But my dad and step-mother fought for custody of the boys and thankfully were awarded it. And to this day, they are doing the best they can while parenting as grandparents. They boys are doing so well, I’m happy to report. But one day, and my father has talked to me about this, he knows the boys will ask where their mother is, and why they don’t have one like all of the other kids. And he fears that conversation. He fears revisiting and telling them that their father has never wanted anything to do with them and that their mother was so involved with such horrible things that she couldn’t take care of them and eventually couldn’t even take care of herself. What a hard conversation to have with children. I can’t even imagine.

I asked the other teachers and staff to think about the children we have difficulties with, to think of the things we don’t know about in their home lives, the burdens they carry to school each day. Because sometimes, it only takes one family member to make life messy for everyone else. And when especially dealing with children, those background messes need to be considered.

I had to rush through this worship a little as you can probably imagine as it got a little long. But I left people crying and with deep thoughts. Because the truth is, sometimes life sucks. Life can be unfair. The devil is at work so much in our lives, trying to tear us away from our Father who loves us, and unfortunately he uses things like drugs and alcohol that have a way of hooking us and can be very difficult to get away from. Things like drugs and alcohol have a way of consuming people and making the gift of life that God has given us seem pointless. And unfortunately, I see the devil in much of Natalie’s life, laughing and smiling at her misery. And yet in the same scene, I see tears running down Jesus’ face as He watches the destruction of His daughter, the one He loves more than anything. It’s a sad scene, not an easy one to grasp and still not the easiest one to talk about. But as my father said, it’s important to use these stories to help prevent others from making the same mistakes and if this story will help someone, then it is worth talking about.

I didn’t workout today as it was a rest day, but I do hope that you reflect on this, especially if you or someone you know is suffering with addictions. Addictions are something so incredibly unfortunate and cause so much pain to everyone. Take intervention now. Pray that the God of healing, the God that has already defeated all evil in this world will help you overcome. Because there is no power greater than God’s.

Today I Walked in the Office and Said “I Quit!”

Ok, so not really. But I did walk in and said that I felt like quitting.

Today was one of those days. Those days where you wish you had never gotten out of bed, that you called in sick, that anything would have happened except what did. Teachers, I’m sure you know the kind of day I’m talking about.

Today I had to deal with something I hoped to never deal with; something that totally broke my heart. Since I don’t have kids of my own, those school kids are so much more like my own children. They are the kids that I try to protect. And when something happens, I immediately attack myself that I did not do a good enough job training and guiding them in life. When something happens, I immediately feel like a failure.

Today was probably one of the worst things I’ve ever had to deal with. So immediately my thoughts were I had failed as a teacher, I had failed as a guide in the life of my student, and I wasn’t fit for my job. What a hit!

Teaching is such a large, tough responsibility. Parenting is a huge responsibility. Any career in which you work with children and youth is a huge responsibility. When working with children, you have to realize that everything you do, they are watching. Anything you do or say, they will carry with them the rest of their lives. What a scary thought!

And as a teacher, you are being entrusted with someone else’s child which carries an extra burden in itself. You strive to be a good influence in their lives. You strive to teach them such great morals in such a small time and when something happens (and it honestly only has to be one thing), you feel as if you’ve failed altogether. Nevermind the fact that you have so many other kids in the class. All it takes is one student, one incident, and you immediately begin to judge yourself.

That’s what I went through today. I wanted to cry. I wanted to quit. I wanted to go home. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep so that I could forget about the world around me at that moment. But instead I took deep breaths and did what I needed to do to deal with the situation.

Today was a really hard day.

Fellow teachers, a lot of you have probably dealt with something similar. I feel your pain, I feel your stress. Please know that you are not alone. The devil’s presence is ever near to us and our students, which makes our job ever increasingly important in showing them God’s light and guiding them away from the devil’s tactics and creating their own personal relationships with a Saviour that will be with them always.

Do the best you can and be the role model those kids need. Pray for your students and the choices they will make. It’s the best thing you can really do.

The Difficulties of Unconditional Love

My all-time favourite Bible verses are 1 Corinthians 13 (taken from Biblegateway.com).

13 If I speak in the tongues of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. ² If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. ³ If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast, but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhoodbehind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

It’s such a descriptive example of what love is. There is no denying how we are supposed to love others. There is no ability to say, “I didn’t know what love meant.” This chapter says it all. This verse has all the details you need to know.

Now imagine if we took every child in the world and taught them that this is what love is. Imagine if we were to somehow impart this knowledge to the sons and daughters of the world before they embrace the dating scene. Imagine if they knew what we were saying when we looked someone in the eye and said I love you and actually meant it. Not just saying it, but actually acting that love out. This knowledge, if successfully translated in a way that children could understand, could potentially save them from experiences that could affect the rest of their lives. Mistakes that we’ve made, and hope for them to avoid.

Diving a little deeper into the “Love Chapter”: What does it really mean to love people in this way? No, it doesn’t just mean loving our spouses or family, but also the people around us. You see, Jesus did not simply pick the people He wanted to love. He loves us all. Unconditionally. And we are to become closer to His character. Which means…. we are to love all of His creations as well. The pesky neighbour, the vandalizing gang in the neighbourhood, the murderer in jail. All of them are loved by Jesus, and we are called to love and forgive them too.

Sometimes this love is so hard for me. When I have a defiant child in the class that will outright lie, ignore and challenge you. When I have an argument with someone when I know I’m right. The times that it seems others are being selfish and not thinking about the effects it could have on me. All of these things make it hard to love someone the way God calls us to.

But those verses remain. They don’t change. Sometimes it’s the patience that I need. Sometimes it’s giving up the grudges that I hold. Sometimes I need to let go of that pride, that selfishness, that anger. Sometimes I need to think of the other person before myself. And sometimes, I need to just put myself in their shoes.

Sometimes this means that I need to take a moment to myself. I need to take a few deep breaths and close my eyes. I need to remember the stupid things that I do sometimes, and the way Jesus would sit there with open arms and tell me He loves me and forgives me. Then I need to look at that child or that person through God’s lenses. That doesn’t mean discipline may not be required. But it does mean I need to love that child/person the same way God instructs me.

Unconditional love is not easy, but it is called for. I may never be perfect at it, but I must try. Our human nature is so quick to go the wrong way, yet Jesus calls us back. He calls us back into His arms to first make us feel loved so that we can share that with others. 

I encourage you to take the verses in 1 Corinthians 13 and start working on them for yourself. Not necessarily all at once, but take one part at a time. Apply it to your everyday. Apply it to the people you interact with and notice the difference it makes. 

If the world was ruled by love, there would be far less war. If the world was ruled by love, we would live in the most amazing place. You may not be able to change the whole world, but you can change a part of it. Be that change God calls you to be, and the change that people need to see. Go out and share God’s love today.

 

Sometimes Things Don’t Turn Out The Way You Expect…

Many of you have followed my journey and know that we ended up with our five little babies due to an unexpected and unforeseen pregnancy. Of course, since we have no children of our own, these dogs are our babies, our children. And this week, in fact the past 2 weeks, have been awful. My husband did some research to find that stomach flu is transferrable between dogs and humans. Can you imagine? With a sick household, dogs included, it hasn’t been easy. As of yesterday, the dogs are finally in the clear. My husband is the last one battling his second round with fevers and being sick. Hopefully it will leave him soon as well.

This week was not an easy one. The dogs are like babies, and because they cannot tell you what’s wrong with them and may not even really know, of course they cry. What else are they supposed to do? So my husband and I have been taking turns sitting with them, even at night. It hasn’t been easy and could very well be the reason for the second round of my husband’s stomach flu.

Despite the hardships, this week was pretty good. Monday night, we finally sold the Audi that we have been trying to sell for forever. I cannot tell you what a surprise and a blessing that was! I believe it was Monday night that we also watched the movie, “God’s Not Dead”. If you have never seen this movie, I cannot recommend a better one. It is not a documentary, but simply a video showing the doubt and atheist point-of-view of God, and the rebuttal with Christian standpoint. It was really, really well done. Tuesday night, I ended up in a conversation with an atheist woman whom I did not know. What started as a fiery conversation amidst many Christians and her, I was able to continue mainly on my own, and not only have a great detailed conversation with her, but in the end, she even apologized for some of the crude comments she had made and thanked me for the conversation. This is something I’ve never had the opportunity to experience before and it was truly a blessing. On Wednesday, my husband and I went to the gym for the first time in a week since the family has been sick, and despite being sick and out of the gym for that long, my strength had not left, and my body picked right up where it left off. I even did many more exercises that normal and left the gym feeling exhausted and worn-out, but proud. On Thursday, we were surprised from a colleague with two tickets to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. And not only that, but we just happened to sit right in front of a cousin that I have not seen in over 10 years. What a God moment, planned for all the right things. My husband’s fever increased during the concert, but even he wanted to stay and listen. You have no idea what a blessing that all turned out to be for me. And last but not least, when we came home, nearing midnight, my husband shivering with a high fever, he ran upstairs right away to pile under the blankets. I stopped to get the mail. And his work permit was in it! We’ve been waiting 2 years for anything from the government for him! I know it’s not residency, but he can at least work. I couldn’t contain my joy that night. Something we had waited for so long. God really was turning our hard week into such immaculate blessings along the way. I was on such a spiritual, emotional, and physical high.

But then it happened. And I have no way to explain this to you except from what I learned and made total sense to me a couple weeks ago. It’s when God is doing something good that the devil attacks, and it holds true. For so long, my husband and I have been in a bit of a limbo. Happy we’ve moved, but got sick. Shorter driving times, but haven’t been tired as early as usual. Just kind of stuck in the middle of neither a high nor a low. And yet with such a hard week (2 weeks total), God blessed us so immensely. The grand scheme of it all, I’m not sure. But the blessings were undeniable.

And yet yesterday, I received a phone call from our landlady. Our neighbours complained about our dogs barking. I asked her when they were barking, whether it was during the day, evening, night, and she said it sounded like it was all the time. I explained to her that if it was this past week, that the dogs have been sick and yes have been more whiney than usual and apologized for that. She then went on to ask about the dogs that I have and was noted that I have more than allowed. When we signed into this place, the number of dogs was not mentioned, except where it said there were no dogs allowed which we asked about. The sign-up sheet for pets was the same as our previous rental where only one slot is available for information, which of course we filled out. The landlady at our previous place (same company) also had met our dogs with my husband in the hallway and had petted them and everything seemed ok. So we never even gave it a second thought. So I looked up the bylaws, and wouldn’t you know, despite the amount of people we’ve met, talked to, known, nobody has ever told me what they have said. In our city, you can have up to 6 cats, but only 3 dogs. I don’t think I have to tell you how much my heart sank, the panic that ran through me, the sadness I’ve grown. I have to get rid of two dogs.

I just can’t even explain to you the depression I feel. I wish the neighbour would have come and talked to me. I wish I hadn’t moved us here. Nobody complained at our previous place, and yet I thought I was doing something better by moving us to a bigger place, closer to my work, and no drunk neighbours stumbling through hallways at 3 and 4 in the morning. Sometimes I wonder why such seemingly good things have to turn out so bad. I’m struggling.

The thing is, had my neighbour’s asked, maybe they’d better understand. Maybe they’d understand that we don’t have kids and these are ours. Maybe they’d understand that my dogs aren’t normally that noisy, but instead have been battling sickness the same way babies do, and are better now. But the truth of the matter is, some people don’t care to understand. And that’s a sad truth of humanity. We worry so much about ourselves, about any annoyances to ourselves, anything that gets in our way, that we fail to try and understand the “why” of other people. We jump to conclusions with reason of understanding. And unfortunately, I’m stuck in the middle of one of these situations.

Thankfully, my mother is able to take one of my babies, and I know she will love her. I know her life will be good and she will be spoiled. But what saddens me is that she’ll be on the other side of the country where I will not see her for quite some time. My brother-in-law is also able to take my other dolly as he’s be in love with her since the first time they met. He is not married, no girlfriend, and has no other animals. She will most assuredly be spoiled and treated as his princess. Another good home, and not out of the family, but not in my home and hard for me to accept at this time.

The truth is, I hate this city. Not entirely strong, but pretty much. I never wanted to come back to this city after I had left. My superintendents had picked where I would work, and not where I had requested for the people who requested me. I was put here because they wanted me to be. I’m in a place, that no matter where I moved, if I’m still in this insanely large city, I cannot be with my children. And I hate it. It tears me apart. I am no different than a woman with five children. Some people don’t understand why people have so many kids. And yes, coming from a family of 4, the house can get crazy, but that’s the fun of it. I’m not an “animal collector”, which is my assumption why the rule was put into place. My husband and I are a child-less couple who had no intentions on having five dogs, and yet by unforeseen situations, grew our hearts to include the the three that came to be.

I’m just so distraught, so upset, so unbelievably depressed. I used to advocate so badly for being here while my husband had no work, wasn’t able to work, and I was. But I’m really starting to wonder if my job is really worth it. I know and feel so accomplished when I watch my students change into the people I hope they will become, but at the expense of my own family? I don’t feel that anymore. Family should always come first, and though my children may not be human, that doesn’t change they fact they are my children. And my heart is breaking. I say goodbye to my first baby next week, and I can’t deny the fact that even thinking about it, tears fall. I sit with my dogs, on the floor, in the basement, not caring how much hair they cover me with. I love them, and there is no love like a dog’s.

Without a doubt, I’d get out of this place if I could. But as my husband JUST got his work permit, he is now only searching for a job. As a teacher, I cannot just quit until the Summer, and even so, do not have the money to get out of our lease agreement until either my husband makes the money, or we have to wait until October when it is up. I am thankful for family that is willing to help, and able. I know that I will be able to get one of my babies back should the time come that I can, but the other I will probably not. Nor do I wish to tear the bonds that are made, as I know how loving and loveable my babies are.

I know God has a plan in all of this. I don’t see it at the moment, I don’t feel like this is all ok, but I know it is what has to be, and I will never cease to trust God as I know He sees the bigger plan that I can’t. I know He feels the heartache that I do, and I know He cries with me. These next few weeks are going to be hard. And though I struggle with feelings of anger, and retaliation of many things I could say about my neighbours in the month we’ve moved in, I will resist as I know God would not have it that way. Life is unfair, and can be super hard. Pain can seem insurmountable, but all through this time, God promises to be with me and to carry me when I grow too weary to walk on my own. I’m thankful for a God that loves me like that and knows more than I do what it’s like to lose a child.

Jeremiah 29:11 — For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

Isaiah 40:31 — but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.