Many of you have followed my journey and know that we ended up with our five little babies due to an unexpected and unforeseen pregnancy. Of course, since we have no children of our own, these dogs are our babies, our children. And this week, in fact the past 2 weeks, have been awful. My husband did some research to find that stomach flu is transferrable between dogs and humans. Can you imagine? With a sick household, dogs included, it hasn’t been easy. As of yesterday, the dogs are finally in the clear. My husband is the last one battling his second round with fevers and being sick. Hopefully it will leave him soon as well.
This week was not an easy one. The dogs are like babies, and because they cannot tell you what’s wrong with them and may not even really know, of course they cry. What else are they supposed to do? So my husband and I have been taking turns sitting with them, even at night. It hasn’t been easy and could very well be the reason for the second round of my husband’s stomach flu.
Despite the hardships, this week was pretty good. Monday night, we finally sold the Audi that we have been trying to sell for forever. I cannot tell you what a surprise and a blessing that was! I believe it was Monday night that we also watched the movie, “God’s Not Dead”. If you have never seen this movie, I cannot recommend a better one. It is not a documentary, but simply a video showing the doubt and atheist point-of-view of God, and the rebuttal with Christian standpoint. It was really, really well done. Tuesday night, I ended up in a conversation with an atheist woman whom I did not know. What started as a fiery conversation amidst many Christians and her, I was able to continue mainly on my own, and not only have a great detailed conversation with her, but in the end, she even apologized for some of the crude comments she had made and thanked me for the conversation. This is something I’ve never had the opportunity to experience before and it was truly a blessing. On Wednesday, my husband and I went to the gym for the first time in a week since the family has been sick, and despite being sick and out of the gym for that long, my strength had not left, and my body picked right up where it left off. I even did many more exercises that normal and left the gym feeling exhausted and worn-out, but proud. On Thursday, we were surprised from a colleague with two tickets to a Steven Curtis Chapman concert. And not only that, but we just happened to sit right in front of a cousin that I have not seen in over 10 years. What a God moment, planned for all the right things. My husband’s fever increased during the concert, but even he wanted to stay and listen. You have no idea what a blessing that all turned out to be for me. And last but not least, when we came home, nearing midnight, my husband shivering with a high fever, he ran upstairs right away to pile under the blankets. I stopped to get the mail. And his work permit was in it! We’ve been waiting 2 years for anything from the government for him! I know it’s not residency, but he can at least work. I couldn’t contain my joy that night. Something we had waited for so long. God really was turning our hard week into such immaculate blessings along the way. I was on such a spiritual, emotional, and physical high.
But then it happened. And I have no way to explain this to you except from what I learned and made total sense to me a couple weeks ago. It’s when God is doing something good that the devil attacks, and it holds true. For so long, my husband and I have been in a bit of a limbo. Happy we’ve moved, but got sick. Shorter driving times, but haven’t been tired as early as usual. Just kind of stuck in the middle of neither a high nor a low. And yet with such a hard week (2 weeks total), God blessed us so immensely. The grand scheme of it all, I’m not sure. But the blessings were undeniable.
And yet yesterday, I received a phone call from our landlady. Our neighbours complained about our dogs barking. I asked her when they were barking, whether it was during the day, evening, night, and she said it sounded like it was all the time. I explained to her that if it was this past week, that the dogs have been sick and yes have been more whiney than usual and apologized for that. She then went on to ask about the dogs that I have and was noted that I have more than allowed. When we signed into this place, the number of dogs was not mentioned, except where it said there were no dogs allowed which we asked about. The sign-up sheet for pets was the same as our previous rental where only one slot is available for information, which of course we filled out. The landlady at our previous place (same company) also had met our dogs with my husband in the hallway and had petted them and everything seemed ok. So we never even gave it a second thought. So I looked up the bylaws, and wouldn’t you know, despite the amount of people we’ve met, talked to, known, nobody has ever told me what they have said. In our city, you can have up to 6 cats, but only 3 dogs. I don’t think I have to tell you how much my heart sank, the panic that ran through me, the sadness I’ve grown. I have to get rid of two dogs.
I just can’t even explain to you the depression I feel. I wish the neighbour would have come and talked to me. I wish I hadn’t moved us here. Nobody complained at our previous place, and yet I thought I was doing something better by moving us to a bigger place, closer to my work, and no drunk neighbours stumbling through hallways at 3 and 4 in the morning. Sometimes I wonder why such seemingly good things have to turn out so bad. I’m struggling.
The thing is, had my neighbour’s asked, maybe they’d better understand. Maybe they’d understand that we don’t have kids and these are ours. Maybe they’d understand that my dogs aren’t normally that noisy, but instead have been battling sickness the same way babies do, and are better now. But the truth of the matter is, some people don’t care to understand. And that’s a sad truth of humanity. We worry so much about ourselves, about any annoyances to ourselves, anything that gets in our way, that we fail to try and understand the “why” of other people. We jump to conclusions with reason of understanding. And unfortunately, I’m stuck in the middle of one of these situations.
Thankfully, my mother is able to take one of my babies, and I know she will love her. I know her life will be good and she will be spoiled. But what saddens me is that she’ll be on the other side of the country where I will not see her for quite some time. My brother-in-law is also able to take my other dolly as he’s be in love with her since the first time they met. He is not married, no girlfriend, and has no other animals. She will most assuredly be spoiled and treated as his princess. Another good home, and not out of the family, but not in my home and hard for me to accept at this time.
The truth is, I hate this city. Not entirely strong, but pretty much. I never wanted to come back to this city after I had left. My superintendents had picked where I would work, and not where I had requested for the people who requested me. I was put here because they wanted me to be. I’m in a place, that no matter where I moved, if I’m still in this insanely large city, I cannot be with my children. And I hate it. It tears me apart. I am no different than a woman with five children. Some people don’t understand why people have so many kids. And yes, coming from a family of 4, the house can get crazy, but that’s the fun of it. I’m not an “animal collector”, which is my assumption why the rule was put into place. My husband and I are a child-less couple who had no intentions on having five dogs, and yet by unforeseen situations, grew our hearts to include the the three that came to be.
I’m just so distraught, so upset, so unbelievably depressed. I used to advocate so badly for being here while my husband had no work, wasn’t able to work, and I was. But I’m really starting to wonder if my job is really worth it. I know and feel so accomplished when I watch my students change into the people I hope they will become, but at the expense of my own family? I don’t feel that anymore. Family should always come first, and though my children may not be human, that doesn’t change they fact they are my children. And my heart is breaking. I say goodbye to my first baby next week, and I can’t deny the fact that even thinking about it, tears fall. I sit with my dogs, on the floor, in the basement, not caring how much hair they cover me with. I love them, and there is no love like a dog’s.
Without a doubt, I’d get out of this place if I could. But as my husband JUST got his work permit, he is now only searching for a job. As a teacher, I cannot just quit until the Summer, and even so, do not have the money to get out of our lease agreement until either my husband makes the money, or we have to wait until October when it is up. I am thankful for family that is willing to help, and able. I know that I will be able to get one of my babies back should the time come that I can, but the other I will probably not. Nor do I wish to tear the bonds that are made, as I know how loving and loveable my babies are.
I know God has a plan in all of this. I don’t see it at the moment, I don’t feel like this is all ok, but I know it is what has to be, and I will never cease to trust God as I know He sees the bigger plan that I can’t. I know He feels the heartache that I do, and I know He cries with me. These next few weeks are going to be hard. And though I struggle with feelings of anger, and retaliation of many things I could say about my neighbours in the month we’ve moved in, I will resist as I know God would not have it that way. Life is unfair, and can be super hard. Pain can seem insurmountable, but all through this time, God promises to be with me and to carry me when I grow too weary to walk on my own. I’m thankful for a God that loves me like that and knows more than I do what it’s like to lose a child.
Jeremiah 29:11 — For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
Isaiah 40:31 — but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.
Calm in Christ and Fitness 