I Prayed for 10 Years, and God Answered

Sometimes in life, there are things we don’t know how to approach. There are people we want to say things to to, but for some reason can’t find the right words. Sometimes, they can be missed opportunities that are missed out of fear. Sometimes, they are missed because we keep waiting for something or someone else to bring up the topic so that we have an opportunity to put in our heartfelt words that we need to say. Some people unfortunately underestimate the amount of time that is available for some things to be said.

For years I have been trying to get enough courage or find the right moment to talk to my father about God; about my views on God and trying to find out exactly where he’s at. My father believes in God, absolutely. But after learning about how awesome it is to be a child of God, that you can openly talk to God as a friend and call him Father, Papa, or even Daddy if you’d like, it left me in a state of uneasiness seeing my dad only ever refer to Him as things like “The Man Upstairs”. I didn’t get a sense of owning God, of realizing that God loved Him. But how do I bring up such a sensitive topic with my own father? I know, I know. Some of you would say that I should love my father enough to bring it up regardless, but just pause for a moment. This is my father. I care about him more than the average person I would meet and talk about God with. I don’t want to mess it up. I don’t want him to ask questions I don’t know the answer to. If I want to talk about it, I want to do it right, and there were not enough rehearsals to ever make me feel prepared.

But God changed that this summer.

Now, I think part of the reason is I had to tell my family I had turned vegan. They were used to me being vegetarian before, so in reality, vegan wasn’t much more of a step. They took the news a lot better this time than they did originally when I turned vegetarian, so I’m assuming I had them “warmed-up” for the big change.

Because I had to tell my family I was vegan, Dad asked me why I made the switch this time. I loved this question! I had the opportunity to tell my dad about the health benefits of being vegan and how much better it is. I didn’t go into incredible details of the effects on animals because my dad wasn’t there yet. But what did surprise me was one of the responses he did give me, which was simply this: “I could probably live without meat. But I guess my thing is I don’t want to. I love my steak.”

Now I know, there are definitely some people in the vegan community who would start criticizing my dad right away. I have heard and seen all the criticisms that could be used against his statement. But just hold on a second, after all, I know my dad better than you.

His statement was honest. He didn’t lie about it, he didn’t make excuses, he told the truth. He even admitted (for the first time ever) that he could probably live without meat! How big of a reality is that! This, coming from a man who literally grew up on the vegetables his mother grew in the garden, and the meat his father hunted in the woods. Even to this day, the family gets together to share moose meat if someone wins their moose license. It’s a way for them to save money and stock up the food supplies for the winter. Remember, New Brunswick’s economy is not huge by any means. And, if you think of it that way, he didn’t even go off listing a whole bunch of meats he couldn’t live without, he said one – steak. Now, I don’t support the killing of animals, I really don’t. But if he could even stop eating all other meats and only have steak once in awhile, that still saves lives! There is room for progress! So anyways, you can feel my excitement and hopefully understand it over that reply.

So I don’t know if it was because he was already asking me why I eat the way I eat or what, but he then asked me a question I have been waiting YEARS to answer, and that was about my faith. Now he didn’t ask an open-ended question such as what I believe, but he kind of asked in a weird way how my beliefs were compared to Catholicism. Now I can’t claim that he was questioning Catholicism, but I can say that he NEVER would have asked me this before. In fact, when I was baptized Seventh-day Adventist, my grandparents (his parents) told me I was playing with religions and that you should stick to the one you were born into. They are very set in following traditions which is also what the Catholic church holds onto, so I always saw my father having the same mindset.

Regardless, he opened up.

I asked him to clarify a little, and he basically asked if my beliefs had Saints like the Catholic church does, or if we pray to Mary, or those kinds of things. Now, imagine my heart bursting wide open at this point. Again, he may not be questioning things about the Catholic church that I don’t believe in, but it almost sounds like he is! So I just say no, and explain that everything we believe comes straight out of the Bible, and that we did have a “prophet” within the last century who passed all the tests as provided by the Bible as to how to recognize a true prophet or not, and though we don’t worship her or praise her, we do use her inspired teachings/writings as a deeper way to understand some of the confusing things in the Bible. After all, the Bible was written by God-inspired people. So it does make sense that somebody could have been chosen to be inspired by God again, which is why they conducted the Bible’s prophet tests on her to make sure she was truly being led by God. And I continued to explain to him that of course the Bible comes first, that we always pray to God, and that we do also believe in the Trinity: God (Father), Jesus (Son), and the Holy Spirit. But I told him (to emphasize the point) that everything we (or at least I) try to believe has to be based in the Bible, as tricky as that can be sometimes.

I’m not sure how my dad took all of that. It definitely wasn’t everything I wanted to say, but it was enough for the situation we were in. I wish I could say my dad said we’d continue the conversation later, but he didn’t. Mind you, we were in a busy situation, but I’m holding onto the fact that I’m praying God used that moment to plant seeds in my dad’s heart and mind. I’m praying that my dad will realize the greater relationship he could have with God than I think he does. I want that so bad for my dad, but as many of us know, if you push things, the person will usually retract. So for now, I’m being thankful God gave me that opportunity after so many years and will continue to pray that maybe Dad will ask me about things again so I can dive a little more into the personal relationship side of things. I’m still in awe that God did this for me, even though it has taken 10 or so years. God does answer prayer, that’s a fact.

So to end on a little extra happy note, my step mother and I have never talked about religion. I don’t really know her religious background… it’s just not usually a subject that is brought up. But even when I was driving around with her doing errands, she brought it up. And our conversation focussed more on whether the school I taught at accepted students of all walks of life, or if they could only be of our religion. We talked about how students from all walks of life do come to my school, but we don’t bend our beliefs based on theirs because they are choosing to pay and come to our school for some reason. She was curious how I taught my Bible classes, and I told her that I do respect the feelings and beliefs of all of my students, but that I’m not going to tell them to be sheep. I don’t just want them to believe things because I tell them to, because at one point, we all question what we believe. I want them to know why they believe what they believe with evidence, straight out of the Bible in black and white. I also told her that if they end up asking me a question about something I don’t know, I don’t ignore it. I either search out the answer myself, or we study it together as a class.

For example, this year my students were not into studying the life of Christ, something they’ve more or less covered since attending church as infants, but they wanted to know about the end times, about the dragon of Revelation, about what to expect. So you know what I did? Tossed my plans, and we started studying Revelation together. It was the most rewarding decision I could have made. Yes, there is some scary stuff in that book, but my students came from that book knowing so much better what to expect, what is going on in our lives, and how God is fighting for them every step of the way, wanting to protect them from every evil that is here and will come. They knew that things might get difficult for them, but that they shouldn’t fear as long as they put God first because ultimately, God is victorious and he is holding them in His hands the whole time.

I mentioned this in another blog, but it still blows my mind that two of my students who do not attend a church and do not come from religious families wrote to me at the end of the study, one saying that he had listened more than he ever thought he would, taking notes more than he ever had before, and the other saying how he’s not baptized (with a sad face) but knowing that he can do anything through the power of Christ and knowing that he can have a personal relationship with God was such good news to him. I mean, how much more powerful does it get than that! The students had questions, and God provided me the opportunity to learn and study with them. What an awesome way to be used by God!

So anyways, I guess if I can sum this up I would say, don’t be impatient. God’s timing is so much better than ours could ever be. And don’t give up. I mean, 10 years was a long time to wait for my opportunity to talk with my dad, but it came from his curiosity and not me preaching at him – 10 years, and God answered my prayer. So know that God does answer prayers. It may not be in the time you want, it may not be quite the answer you want, but God is always listening, and He will answer you.

Supporting Your Husband – It’s Not Easy

Supporting you husband… this is not always an easy topic. Sure, when you’re getting along and all is right in the world, it is easy to do things for your husband – happiness just works that way. But what about the times he’s upset you? What about the times he seems so selfish and careless towards you or doesn’t take the time to appreciate anything you do? It’s not so easy then… That’s when bad thoughts start seeping in… “Don’t appreciate me doing your laundry? Do it yourself!” “Do you have to drink out of 10 glasses a day? Do you own dishes!” “Leave your stuff all over the house? I quit!” “This is the third year you’ve done nothing and ‘forgot’ our anniversary? Why are we even married?” Ok… so hopefully it doesn’t get to the point of the last one, but you get the point.

I can honestly say I’ve had my fair share of these kinds of thoughts, but I know it’s wrong and really fight against them. However, I’m human and still fall short of my respecting goals at times. So what do I do?

Well, lately I’ve been returning to the Bible. I cannot tell you how much I admire the women I’ve seen that honestly seem to respect their husbands no matter what. I mean, you can never really tell what goes on behind the scenes. But those women who clearly put their husbands first inspire me so much! So the Bible, the ultimate tale of love, is where I turn to. And you know what happens? I begin to realize how I need to act again.

My husband and I had a so-so night last night. Parts of it were good, but he’s struggling with a few things and handles it differently than I would. So of course, I want to set him straight, to tell him how to fix things and how to do it “my way”. Even now as I’m writing this, that’s starting to sink in… it’s my way. Wow… I’m trying to make him do things MY way. Me. It’s all about me. Ugh… sometimes reality really results in humility. He’s not me.. He shouldn’t have to do everything MY way. Ugh…

Anyways, after going out for supper, we came home, and he wanted to nap before going to the gym because he was exhausted. Of course, both him and I knew this meant he probably wouldn’t get up to go to the gym, but I didn’t make a deal about it because I’d rather him feel better than not. I was not as exhausted, and woke up at 1:30 a.m. I had the option to stay in bed and sleep, or realize that he doesn’t have any clean work shirts for tomorrow, and that would really start his day off badly if he did not have any clean work shirts to wear. He’s in the sales business and looking good is part of the job. So instead of rolling over and going back to sleep, I quietly snuck out of the bedroom, careful not to wake him up, and came downstairs to do a couple loads of laundry. Now, he didn’t treat me like something great last night, and quite frankly, there are some nights I’m glad he goes to sleep so we can wake up and start a new day, but that doesn’t negate the fact that I still love this man and I married him for a reason.

I think too many of us forget that part. We get too caught up in the stresses of life and whether we want to admit it or not, neither our partners nor us are perfect. We just aren’t. We don’t always treat each other like we should. Jobs get in the way. Responsibilities get in the way. Bills and money issues hugely get in the way. And that’s even without raising children in the picture! But it doesn’t hurt to take a step back every once in a while and truly think about why you even married that person in the first place. Make a list of the things you have liked/still like about that person. Focus on the good, and not the bad.

My husband works long hours to try and support me. He took a risk changing careers which hasn’t wielded all the results he expected it to right away which is a lot of his stress lately. I know he deals with it badly because he wants to be the breadwinner, he wants to be able to get me anything in the world that I could want. I so admire him for that. And to be honest, I don’t just admire him for that, I know that he puts in more hours than anyone else he works with and I believe that he will get to the level he wants just because he tries so hard. He’s incredible that way. He also was brave enough to even take a risk, one that I don’t think I would have had the guts to do. He’s not afraid of bugs and handles them for me, but not like anything you’re probably thinking. My husband taught me a dear lesson in life, and that’s the fact that just because bugs are annoying, they still were given life as a gift too. My husband will NOT kill bugs unless he needs to. If it’s just a housefly in our house, he will catch it and release it outside. That goes for moths, larger bugs, etc… He humbled me. He is also extremely trusting. I know a lot of men who handle all of the household finances, and the wives essentially ask for permission to use certain monies and never get involved with the family’s finances. It’s the opposite for us. I’m a little OCD when it comes to money because I’ve had to support myself when there was little to support myself on. Literally, a $1 bag of Crispers from the discount store would be a meal because that’s all I could afford. So when it comes to debt and bills, I need to know what’s going on and need to see progress being made. My husband trusted me enough to hand over that responsibility. It took stress off of him when we became a united household, and I get my ability to do what I need to do. I mean, seriously, how many men would do that? Even writing these few things renews the appreciation and love in my heart for my husband. He may have some habits I don’t like, but that’s not what matters. What matters is we are here in life and love to handle the situations life throws at us together. I wouldn’t have it any other way.

So ladies, and husbands if you’re reading this, stop complaining, stop griping, stop being so negative towards each other. Understand that you do not have to agree on everything. You can agree to disagree and be happy. Just sit back and remember why you fell in love in the first place, and never stop putting each other first.

Mark 10:9 – “Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”

Proverbs 21:19 – “It is better to live in a desert land Than with a contentious and vexing woman.”

Colossians 3:18 – “Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.”

Ephesians 5:22 – “Wives, be subject to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”

Proverbs 14:1 – “The wise woman builds her house, But the foolish tears it down with her own hands.”

Ephesians 5:33 – “Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.”

Titus 2:5 – “to be sensible, pure, workers at home, kind, being subject to their own husbands, so that the word of God will not be dishonored.”

And of course, read Proverbs 31 for the great description of a woman in Christ.

I hope this helps you all! If you have any marriage advice, I would love to hear it below. ❤

The Penalty of Standing Out

I hate the way the world works sometimes. I hate seeing people in pain. I hate watching people getting picked on or bullied. I hate sin and wrong-doings in this world.

When I was going through my university years, completing my education degree, I had a desire to work with special needs children. It wasn’t because I looked forward to the extra work that often comes with special needs children, but because I wanted to make a difference. I knew special needs children were often put down and sometimes stared at as if the were a circus sideshow. I knew I could step up and be the voice of those children, and I knew that I could help those children feel as important as they are. But that’s not what happened.

At first I ended up teaching at a Native School. It took me awhile to learn the different dynamics needed to teach students who come from a history of anger. It was a definite learning curve in understanding the culture, the behaviours, and the thoughts about different things. But one of the things I found is that my classroom was often their safe place. My classroom was the one place they could count on someone being there to love them. I was a safe place for these kids.

Now as much as I loved being in that position, time would have me change again. This time, to a place where I wasn’t such a safe place. These kids did not need me (or at least felt like they didn’t). The attitudes were indifferent, the gratitude was gone. I really struggled at first to see how in the world I could make a difference when my students were convinced they had everything the needed.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t my first year that I figured it out. It was my second and my third that really opened my heart. I realized that maybe I wouldn’t be able to reach all students, even though I try. But there is at least one in each class who needs someone they can trust; someone they can break down their barriers and let them truly see the inside that they keep.

It broke my heart when the first student really let me in their life. The amount of background some of these kids hide is disheartening. It sometimes makes you wonder how they even function. It’s no wonder some of them put up a tough-front at school. Some of them are simply caught in that worldly struggle: the one where they are fighting between being good and doing what they know is right, and doing what the world expects and wants them to do. Absolutely the struggle gets worse as the generations get older. It’s sad in the very least, but it does, unfortunately, exist.

I witnessed something that brought this whole thing up in my mind. A situation that brought up a whole slew of memories.

One of my students is running for class rep in the upcoming school year. She’s an awesome student, wonderful in both academics and her Christianity. Unfortunately, she is one in very few that does not struggle with desires to be popular. She will not swear because others are doing it. She does not talk about inappropriate things because she has no interest. She knows what she believes and she sticks to it. She knows what is right, and that is what she does. And it has made her unpopular in her class.

Today, the vote was completed. And though she almost perfectly fits the description of the position she is running for, more votes were left blank than were voted in favour. My heart sank and my blood boiled a little. If there were legitimately good reasons for not letting her have the position, then I would accept that. But I know it’s because they are upset the one person they wanted to run wasn’t able due to his grades. Whether it’s an expression of bitterness or anger, is it right to decline someone that not only wants the position, but is ready, willing and capable of doing it well?

I don’t know what the right solution is. After all, voting is an expression of your opinion. But my heart aches in knowing that the reasons behind the reactions are wrong. And that bothers me. Someone who perfectly is capable of doing something so well, being held back by unpopularity, is wrong. It takes me right back to my whole philosophy of teaching, and that is that students are capable of more than they are doing, and standing up for those who don’t have as much of a voice.

I grew up in public schools where situations are much worse than I have ever experienced in my years of private school. I have seen “losers” beat up for simply not being good enough for others. I have seen the separation and isolation of those who needed the extra pull-out help and did not think like the others. I have seen students dragged from classrooms because they were acting out in anger about their situations. It’s not pretty.

One year, we did a fundraiser where the boys provided a lunch, and we bid on these “anonymous lunches”. When the bidding was done and every girl had her lunch, then the boys would reveal themselves and we would share lunch with them. I just happened to get one of those classmates that was always taken out for extra help, and who had problems with his anger, reacting from the situations he was in and the way he was treated.

I will forever regret the way I treated him.

I didn’t say anything mean, but that’s simply because I didn’t say anything at all. I was silent the whole time. And now I cannot even go back and apologize for being “snobby” because he was killed in a car accident several years ago (I think I was still in high school). That’s guilt that I have to live with, and guilt that started to change the way I reacted to people.

The one girl that was dragged from our classroom was probably the lowest person in our class. She didn’t always take showers, and she didn’t come from the most well-off family. In fact, I actually don’t know how she was treated at home. But what I do know is that people didn’t like her and daily made fun of her. I will never forget the one day she came up to me and told me that I was her role-model. I didn’t try to be anyone’s role-model, I just tried to talk to her and be nice when others wouldn’t. And look at the difference that made on her life. The simplest of acts I could have done, and it literally changed her world.

Now I’d like to say others followed, but they didn’t. I’d like to say her life changed for the best, but it didn’t. I did manage to get in contact with her again during university, sadly to find out she was pregnant and the baby’s father wanted nothing to do with her as soon as she became pregnant. As a matter of fact, he ran out with another girl and married her very shortly afterwards. And to make matters worse, he called social services claiming she was an unfit mother and had her baby taken away. In no way did her life get better.

I’m sad to say I’ve lost contact with her. My only method of contact no longer seems to work. I do pray for her, that things work out and she’s able to have her baby back in her life. I know she was fighting hard for him. But I pray God’s love surrounds her and God-willing, I will be able to connect with her again.

I truly, truly do hate the world treats people that are different – people that stand out from everybody else. I had the position of popularity and I misused it once. But I promise to do my best to never misuse it again. When a situation arises where someone needs a voice, I wish to be that voice for them, to stand up on their behalf. Just because you don’t think the same as everyone else or do the same things everyone else does is not a reason to be treated so badly. Stand up for those who can’t stand up for themselves. Make a difference in someone’s life. Even if it’s just one person you’ve helped, you’ve literally just changed a person’s entire world. Do what you can and don’t delay. You never know the good you can leave behind.

In Memory of Dolce, My Baby

As I mentioned in my Spring Break post, one of the occurrences was that my little Dolce passed away. So in memory of him, I thought I would share his story.

Originally, I had fallen in love with a different skinny pig. I had gone to the pet store so many times over problems with my fish that eventually my perspective turned from “That is the ugliest thing I have ever seen!” to “I absolutely love him!”. The unfortunate part was that as I walked into the pet store just as this little girl was walking out with my skinny pig. I was devastated. My boyfriend (future husband) at the time was able to send me a list of other pet stores because my heart was too broken to go home without this skinny pig.

I made it to another pet store, and thankfully, there was one skinny pig. I picked him up happily and took him home. This became my Armani.

Armani was an amazing pet, got along well with my dog and everything, but he started screaming at night. Upon some research, I found out they were companion animals and so the reason for his screams was loneliness. Thus began the hunt for another skinny pig.

We just happened to find this “werewolf” skinny pig, about an hour’s drive away. We made that drive. Dolce was a pure black skinny pig. He was less friendly than Armani, but the two got along well. However, it wasn’t more than a few months, and suddenly, we came home and Armani was dead. There weren’t any fight marks or anything, and of course, the pet stores do not record the age of small animals, so I do not know the cause of his death. We watched closely to see if Dolce would be as lonely as Armani was, but he seemed to be fine on his own.

Through our remaining time with Dolce – 4 years – we moved twice, travelled with him to the states several times, and just had such fun with him through everything. He was our little buddy. But as he aged, and as his last week of life came (unknowingly), I was thankful to get to spend some extra time with him before he passed. He will always be my little buddy and I will miss him incredibly.

My little Dolce’s last bath, drying under a nice towel with his most favourite food in the world: carrots!

Priorities: They Can Be Hard

As many teachers will know, teaching can easily consume your life. It’s so much more than being present and teaching children. There is planning, grading, documenting, extracurriculars and so much more than goes into our job. There are so many hours we put into this job that we aren’t compensated for; that take away from our family lives.

It has become an issue with my husband several times. There are weeks I’m home late every night not because of grading but because of meetings and other things I was asked/told to be involved with which then leaves time at home where I’m tired, have housework to do and grading on top of trying to spend time with my husband. And when report card times come around, forget trying to talk to me the whole extended weekend. There is always so much to do.

An opportunity came up that I said I wouldn’t miss again four years ago. Work would be sending me for free. Spouses are also allowed to come, provided they pay their way. It’s an awesome opportunity. So naturally I signed up myself and my husband. The problem came up that my husband still does not have his papers and as we discovered last time, if he leaves the country again, he may never be allowed back and the years of work we’ve done so far will be thrown out. We just can’t take that chance again.

My husband would rather I didn’t go without him. I would be in a foreign country and he could not live with himself if something happened to me and I didn’t come back. I can say that I was mad at him for awhile. I was mad that he didn’t want me to go. I was mad that he couldn’t see this as the opportunity that I did. I was mad at him for being selfish. I was so mad.

But then I remembered and thought about (for a few days until it sunk in) that two mentors of mine, from the beginning of my teaching career, warned me: God first, family second, work third. It also struck me about a worship conversation we had at work one time where another teacher brought up about a marriage seminar where it was discussed that what God has brought together, let no man pull apart. I also thought back to the many marriage books and people I follow that have provided excellent, Christian (and for non-Christians as well) marriage advice where the best thing you can do is to respect your husband because in doing so, it will – whether now or eventually – show him how much he means to you and often will reflect a change in his behaviour towards you as well. Needless to say, I shouldn’t be mad.

I chose to undergo a mini-lecture about cancelling our reservations (work-related). I chose to take on the cancellation fees though I still haven’t heard how much that is yet. I chose to eventually be questioned over and over about why I didn’t go on the cruise (nobody aside from who needed to know, knows yet) and I will choose to defend my husband over the situation because he is simply my husband. I choose to respect his wishes. I know it is out of his heart that he wants to do as much as he can to protect me. Maybe I won’t get to travel. Maybe this may knock me out of my social-related situation at the school. But at the end of the day, my first mission is and always will be my marriage and if I can’t be a good steward of that, then I have already failed in a mission given from God. I’m not willing to do that. I need to be a witness for God to my husband and that is what I’m going to do.

I love my job, but I love my husband more. And so I do not hold a grudge but I choose to respect him. Although anxiety may come when I know the others are leaving for this trip, I will choose to remember that he was only saying it out of love, and pray for the patience and understanding that I need. God is the ultimate provider of that all-encompassing peace. ❤

Sometimes Life Doesn’t Go The Way You Think

It’s without a doubt you’ve had some experience with this. It could be that everything seems to be going great one minute and then falls apart the next. It could be that everything is aligned to go a certain way and still it derails before your very eyes. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure you’ve experienced something like this at least once in your life.

Tonight I had one of these experiences and unfortunately I’m not up to sharing it right now. But it blind – sided me; totally took me by surprise.  It literally broke my heart and sent me into a downward spiral. And incase you’re wondering, no my husband and I are not getting a divorce. I wouldn’t have the strength to write you if that was the case. But this event that happened tonight reminded me that no matter what, I can’t live this life on my own. I have to be in close contact, holding the hand of my heavenly father every step of the way. I get blind – sided,  but He doesn’t.  I fall down and break apart but He doesn’t.  I sometimes feel like giving up on everything,  not seeing the point in anything. But God never gives up. And He sees the point in everything.  And therefore, I am reminded that I need Him daily, hourly, and each second.

I had a friend talk to me for the first time in a few weeks and she asked how I’ve been. So I updated her on the events of only the last week. Her question that followed was the same I get from many people,  “Is your life ever boring?”. It’s so true! I don’t have a chance to be bored. My life is either actively going in the right direction or I’m left scrambling to pick my life back up and put the pieces together enough to function again. I don’t get a break. It NEVER ends.

The more I sat and thought of this, the more I was reminded of things people have told me and things that I believe.

#1: God has me in my life for a reason and as much as I may not like it, it’s because He knows I’m the one who will somehow battle through it and develop the strength from previous events to tackle the increasing grandeur of future events. I seriously look over my past, the fears, the unknowns, and through God’s grace, I made it through stronger than before. But shortly after comes an event of larger size that once again breaks me down until through God’s grace once again, I build greater endurance and strength to overcome again. I mean I’m only in my early twenties,  and through the small amount of stories I share with my students at school, I have parents that have come to tell me I’ve been through more things that most people twice my age. I’m always scared of sounding like a know – it – all because I’ve moved so much, travelled some, been through extensive amounts of situations I can give info on so many different things. Students often come to my classroom to talk or to get advice because they know I’ve got something.  And maybe that’s part of the purpose, so that I can counsel others.  But it’s still an excruciatingly painful process with many scars that unfortunately get carried along.

#2: The devil attacks those He’s afraid of. Quite often, I’ve been reminded that the devil doesn’t waste his time on those who already deny God. His goal is to get us as far away FROM God as possible,  so he would only spend his time attacking those who try to regain for Christ’s kingdom, those who love God and try to follow Him the best they can. I’ve been told that when life is going seamlessly great, you have to question why the devil is not after you.  Again, not great news, because it basically guarantees life is going to be rough. But at the same time, God never guaranteed an easy life. He simply promised that those who endure on Earth will be rewarded in Heaven.  He promised that whenever we asked, He would help us. And that’s how we get through the worst parts of life, with God carrying us part of the way.

Tonight has not been the easiest night, but I know that God is here with me and is holding His hand over my heart, whispering that everything will be ok because He has this whole world in His hands. And I will cling to His embrace knowing that He is the reason I’m here and the reason I continue to survive through each thing I encounter. God is literally my all.

Week 2 Day 4

Today turned into a day of rest, which is ok. I’m supposed to be completely workout free for 2 days every week. So I’ve counted yesterday as my second one. It wasn’t exactly planned that way, but after my third long meeting, my third day in a row, I still had to run a few errands (resent the FBI papers… praying for fast delivery and processing!) and came home feeling lethargic. I still managed to eat properly, although by the time I went to bed, I was a little under my macros for the day.

My husband did not come home until after 9:00 p.m. Of course he came home exhausted and sore. I spent the little bit of time I had with him awake before he just had to go to sleep. I sat up for awhile, grading student work, before deciding cardio could wait until tomorrow.

I tried going to bed, but several times I had to get up to keep the dogs from whining. The house is noticeably different with my little Jewel gone. Her brothers and biological father miss her and I think they’re going through a bit of a small depression. First their mother is gone, now their sister. People honestly will never understand… Dogs are not just objects. They have hearts, they have feelings. They suffer loss just as much as humans do, and who am I to get mad when I know they’re crying and calling for their lost family member. Makes my heart ache twice as much watching them go through the separation and knowing the sadness I feel myself.

Needless to say, with all these emotions this week, I think it was best I took that day off. I was home with my babies. I was home for the few moments my husband was awake. I was able to catch up on some work. And I was able to go to bed slightly earlier than normal.

Tomorrow, I am back to the grind!

Today I Walked in the Office and Said “I Quit!”

Ok, so not really. But I did walk in and said that I felt like quitting.

Today was one of those days. Those days where you wish you had never gotten out of bed, that you called in sick, that anything would have happened except what did. Teachers, I’m sure you know the kind of day I’m talking about.

Today I had to deal with something I hoped to never deal with; something that totally broke my heart. Since I don’t have kids of my own, those school kids are so much more like my own children. They are the kids that I try to protect. And when something happens, I immediately attack myself that I did not do a good enough job training and guiding them in life. When something happens, I immediately feel like a failure.

Today was probably one of the worst things I’ve ever had to deal with. So immediately my thoughts were I had failed as a teacher, I had failed as a guide in the life of my student, and I wasn’t fit for my job. What a hit!

Teaching is such a large, tough responsibility. Parenting is a huge responsibility. Any career in which you work with children and youth is a huge responsibility. When working with children, you have to realize that everything you do, they are watching. Anything you do or say, they will carry with them the rest of their lives. What a scary thought!

And as a teacher, you are being entrusted with someone else’s child which carries an extra burden in itself. You strive to be a good influence in their lives. You strive to teach them such great morals in such a small time and when something happens (and it honestly only has to be one thing), you feel as if you’ve failed altogether. Nevermind the fact that you have so many other kids in the class. All it takes is one student, one incident, and you immediately begin to judge yourself.

That’s what I went through today. I wanted to cry. I wanted to quit. I wanted to go home. I wanted to just curl up in a ball and go to sleep so that I could forget about the world around me at that moment. But instead I took deep breaths and did what I needed to do to deal with the situation.

Today was a really hard day.

Fellow teachers, a lot of you have probably dealt with something similar. I feel your pain, I feel your stress. Please know that you are not alone. The devil’s presence is ever near to us and our students, which makes our job ever increasingly important in showing them God’s light and guiding them away from the devil’s tactics and creating their own personal relationships with a Saviour that will be with them always.

Do the best you can and be the role model those kids need. Pray for your students and the choices they will make. It’s the best thing you can really do.

I Have A Confession: It’s Not Always That Easy…

So it’s true. I have a confession to make.

I feel as if I come across as very positive, and if I do, that’s my goal. I honestly try super hard to look for the positive in everything. That’s just who I am. I know there is usually a positive side to everything or at least a way through every tough situation. I know that. I’m naturally optimistic. I also am aware of that. And even though I’m really good at showing my optimistic side, I have to admit, it’s not always that easy.

I’m looking at today as an example. It has been weeks since I found out that the government lost my husband’s FBI report. I was mad for a couple days, got over it, and realized we do have enough time to apply for another one because he was at least issued his work permit. But I had never had the chance to call them myself until today.

For starters, there’s always a wait time on the phone. And I was using a spare at work to call so my anxiety was raising a little that they wouldn’t answer by the time my students came back.

Then, I explained my situation quickly to which the guy questioned me as if I was crazy. This didn’t help.

And on top of it all, not only did I wait, got questioned as if I had no idea what I was talking about, I got told he couldn’t do anything without speaking to my husband and he has to be here with me if I am to talk. All of that for nothing.

And after I hung up the phone (the guy offered no apology or anything and said a very quick good-bye), I realized that I had been optimistic about talking to them myself and at least figuring out what went wrong even if we had to apply again. But quite pointedly, my optimism was nothing short of dashed and I was left in a mess of anxiety and completely upset.

You know, it’s one thing to know that everything is going to be ok, because it is. I know it will be, one way or another. But I have to tell myself it’s also ok to BE in that moment, to feel what I feel. I mean, this is something that my entire heart is woven into. This whole process has cost us so much money and time and has tested our faith and strength so much. Then to hear that the man was totally unwilling to help me and not even feel bad about it? For an optimistic person like me, that’s hard to handle.

I’m a problem solver. I’m used to figuring out my own problems, my friends problems, and my students problems. That’s what I do. And to have a problem that means so much to me personally unsolved and nothing I can do about it, that’s almost heart shattering.

The thing is, I’m ok now. But at that moment, I almost had a meltdown. Mix the stress of wondering how his residency is ever going to be done, let alone the thought of citizenship afterwards. Mix that with the 20 children I’m responsible for all day. Mix that with the table full of 4+ hours worth of grading that I need to do. Mix that with the mass amount of paperwork I have to do before the end of the month to meet government deadlines for education. Sometimes it honestly gets too hard to handle.

And that’s what I want you guys to know. I do hope you gain happy influences from my blog; that you learn to hopefully see God’s hands even in the worst of things. But I don’t want to be fake; I want you to know that I’m human and sometimes life does get too much for me in the moment. I know I will pull through, I know God will carry me when I need it, but it’s ok to admit you have too much going on or too much in your head. Breaking down is a way of dealing with all of those emotions you carry, and that’s perfectly ok. Take a walk, watch a show, exercise, or lay down and listen to music. Do what it takes for you to get through that moment because when that moment has passed, however long it takes, you will be able to deal with it later or at least have the mental clarity to get the help you need. You can do it.

So there I go. Now you guys know. Life really isn’t all rainbows and butterflies but much more a cartoon strip of repeatedly falling and getting back up on your feet. The main point is not the falling, it’s about the getting back up. As long as you can do that, you’ve already won the battles you will face.

Unreliable Cardio Machines

So lately I’ve been doing my cardio based on percentages of my maximum heart rate (MHR). It allows me to better judge how much work my body is actually doing. I also do a lot of high intensity interval training (HIIT) which means I speed up and then slow down and usually repeat quite a few times. But I’ve learned, through this process of going by heart rate, that I need to invest in a heart rate monitor, and here’s why:

Last week, I was trying to reach 85% MHR during my faster pace of HIIT. Yes, the cardio machines are supposed to monitor your heart rate. BUT they are SO SLOW at catching up with you. Sometimes, it wouldn’t even find my heart rate and just go blank. A lot of times, when it was lagging behind me, I would naturally push harder to try and make it change faster.

The danger with this is that you can be working with too high a heart rate. Although it’s good to get your blood pumping, it’s not good nor healthy to get your heart pumping too hard for too long.

The good news is, I got in an amazing cardio session from trying so hard. The bad news is, every once in awhile, it would actually start working and I’d see I was working my heart rate around 216 bpm which is way too high. And thus my resolution: I need to buy a heart rate monitor.

Notice how the highest heart rate is only 200 for a 20 year old? Holding on to 216 bpm because the machine didn’t tell me any different was NOT a good idea.

How have you guys found the cardio machines at your gym? Do they keep up with your heart rate or do they mess around like the ones at my gym? Any recommendations on a heart rate monitor? I’ve never bought one before!