Week 12 Day 4

Today was one of those days I kind of wish I hadn’t gotten out of bed. The school day seemed to be going alright, until the afternoon hit and it seemed like I was dealing with discipline problems left and right, and not just the kind that can be given consequences and be done with, the kind that require higher input. It’s days like this that I feel like a failure of a teacher. I can honestly say that I suffer along with them. But I know I must do what I can to help them become accountable and responsible, and sometimes that means learning the hard way. I pray for only good things to be the outcome.

After being stressed all day, we had our third tutoring session after school. Today seemed to go pretty smoothly. The principal came down to see how the program was running and she seemed to be impressed. So that was a good thing.

After tutoring concluded, I was finally able to talk to the principal about the things that happened today, and finally able to go home. I was frazzled and not really wanting to do anything. I simply laid on the bed for quite awhile, until my husband came upstairs and we were able to just talk. That helped immensely.

We finally mustered up all the energy we had left, and went to the gym. My mind was not in this workout at all. And to top it off, it was a leg workout, the one that requires the most energy. I somehow made it through because I knew I needed to. But I simply was not mentally there. There are too many thoughts and too many bad feelings right now. And with that, I didn’t even think about cardio, and simply went home, ready to eat and go to bed.

I Have A Confession: It’s Not Always That Easy…

So it’s true. I have a confession to make.

I feel as if I come across as very positive, and if I do, that’s my goal. I honestly try super hard to look for the positive in everything. That’s just who I am. I know there is usually a positive side to everything or at least a way through every tough situation. I know that. I’m naturally optimistic. I also am aware of that. And even though I’m really good at showing my optimistic side, I have to admit, it’s not always that easy.

I’m looking at today as an example. It has been weeks since I found out that the government lost my husband’s FBI report. I was mad for a couple days, got over it, and realized we do have enough time to apply for another one because he was at least issued his work permit. But I had never had the chance to call them myself until today.

For starters, there’s always a wait time on the phone. And I was using a spare at work to call so my anxiety was raising a little that they wouldn’t answer by the time my students came back.

Then, I explained my situation quickly to which the guy questioned me as if I was crazy. This didn’t help.

And on top of it all, not only did I wait, got questioned as if I had no idea what I was talking about, I got told he couldn’t do anything without speaking to my husband and he has to be here with me if I am to talk. All of that for nothing.

And after I hung up the phone (the guy offered no apology or anything and said a very quick good-bye), I realized that I had been optimistic about talking to them myself and at least figuring out what went wrong even if we had to apply again. But quite pointedly, my optimism was nothing short of dashed and I was left in a mess of anxiety and completely upset.

You know, it’s one thing to know that everything is going to be ok, because it is. I know it will be, one way or another. But I have to tell myself it’s also ok to BE in that moment, to feel what I feel. I mean, this is something that my entire heart is woven into. This whole process has cost us so much money and time and has tested our faith and strength so much. Then to hear that the man was totally unwilling to help me and not even feel bad about it? For an optimistic person like me, that’s hard to handle.

I’m a problem solver. I’m used to figuring out my own problems, my friends problems, and my students problems. That’s what I do. And to have a problem that means so much to me personally unsolved and nothing I can do about it, that’s almost heart shattering.

The thing is, I’m ok now. But at that moment, I almost had a meltdown. Mix the stress of wondering how his residency is ever going to be done, let alone the thought of citizenship afterwards. Mix that with the 20 children I’m responsible for all day. Mix that with the table full of 4+ hours worth of grading that I need to do. Mix that with the mass amount of paperwork I have to do before the end of the month to meet government deadlines for education. Sometimes it honestly gets too hard to handle.

And that’s what I want you guys to know. I do hope you gain happy influences from my blog; that you learn to hopefully see God’s hands even in the worst of things. But I don’t want to be fake; I want you to know that I’m human and sometimes life does get too much for me in the moment. I know I will pull through, I know God will carry me when I need it, but it’s ok to admit you have too much going on or too much in your head. Breaking down is a way of dealing with all of those emotions you carry, and that’s perfectly ok. Take a walk, watch a show, exercise, or lay down and listen to music. Do what it takes for you to get through that moment because when that moment has passed, however long it takes, you will be able to deal with it later or at least have the mental clarity to get the help you need. You can do it.

So there I go. Now you guys know. Life really isn’t all rainbows and butterflies but much more a cartoon strip of repeatedly falling and getting back up on your feet. The main point is not the falling, it’s about the getting back up. As long as you can do that, you’ve already won the battles you will face.

Sitting and Watching…

Today was a cold day, a bitter cold day. The kind of day we don’t allow our students to go outside. Sometimes I am thankful that I do not have to stand in the cold watching the students on the playground, but then I always remember that I must contain them for that free period in my classroom that does not allow their energy to be used, but instead causes them to become more energetic. Thus it becomes more crazy than if we had suffered outside.

Today I took them to the gym. I am always thankful when the gym becomes available during these inside recesses. The students can then still expend some energy and it is a much smaller place for me to observe them. I sit with my bowl of oatmeal that I was supposed to eat for breakfast but haven’t managed to find the time to eat it until lunch in the gym.

At first I wonder about their freedom, about the abuse that seems to happen to freedom when the students receive it. I have some boys particularly that I’m keeping a close eye on. But as the recess continues, and the students have basically divided themselves into three sections in the gym, it dawns on me the responsibility being shown.

The first third of the gym is dominated by most of the boys, some girls, that are playing a game of dodgeball. I didn’t even need to talk to them once about throwing the balls wrong. There was just laughter and happy students.

The middle part of the gym was dominated by some boys who wanted to shoot hoops. Again, smiles all around and not an upset face to be found.

And the third part of the gym, closest to where I sat, was a group of girls who enjoyed zooming back and forth across the floor on the scooters. For once, freedom was enjoyed.

Not very often, as a teacher of the pre-teen hormonal phase do I have the opportunity to just sit back and enjoy the happiness in a room. In my classroom, I couldn’t count with all my fingers and toes the amount of times in a day I’m telling students to quit being so rude to each other, to say sorry to each other, to stop taking other people’s belongings, to quiet down, to do their work. It seems endless. And yet, here they are in the gym, obeying rules they aren’t even aware of, organizing themselves without really having to organize, and everyone was happy. I couldn’t help but smile.

It’s days like this and moments like this that I’m happy to be a teacher. My students are being responsible, independent, and respectable. Not only that, but they’re able to do it while having fun, while being kids.

One student in particular caused me to reflect even more. He came just over a week ago as a homeschool child entering a school for the first time. His level of respect, of being honest, and his “fitting in” is something I’ve been keeping a close eye on. Some homeschool students find it very difficult to fit into a school setting, but not this kid. He was out on the floor, laughing and smiling, playing dodgeball with all the other boys. This is a kid that knows what it’s like to be home without friends, to know very few people. This kid knows the joy of being around others and being able to have fun with them. This kid is one of the few that will admit he enjoys coming to school.

It’s not always easy being a teacher. I wish I could say my whole day was as wonderful as the 25 minutes in the gym during lunch recess, but unfortunately my class was quite chatty today. But I’ve carried that moment throughout the rest of my day, looking past their misbehaviours, looking past their arguments. I know “my kids” are good kids, and that’s the view I hold that gets me through the tough days. Sometimes it’s only those little moments that we, as teachers, look forward to, and that fuel us to keep trudging through the days when we start to question our careers. Those little moments provide enough sunshine to take away many cloudy days.