You Just Never, Ever Know…

I had already written this blog post once, believe it or not. As I sat crying, I poured out my heart on this computer. But just as I was finishing, my computer decided to glitch and it was all lost. I didn’t have the heart to write it again. Except this time, I’m not crying my heart out and writing in a different manner.

You see, normally I don’t work on Fridays. Well, I do, but from home. Last Friday was different as my grade 6s and I had a PAT scheduled for Friday morning. So therefore, we had to be there.

The PAT went alright, and most of the students had rides to leave right after, the others had soccer practice. I had a few of my students from last year come to visit me and study for their upcoming exams. I was able to make practice questions for them so that I could help them if necessary.

While they were studying, I received the most unexpected message from my mother. It was news that one of my friends had just died. By “just”, I mean within the half hour. It hit me like a deer in headlights. I didn’t believe it for a second.

This girl and I were on the same basketball game in high school, were in the same classes, and even though it had been awhile since I had seen her, we had been very good friends.

I maintained control as my mother began to tell me more details of the car accident, the head on collision, the fact that her baby and her were in the one vehicle, and a woman in the other. Both the baby and the other woman had been sent to the hospital as code 1 which means the ambulance is travelling fast with flashing lights as the passengers have serious injuries. However, my friend went code 2, which meant deceased and nothing they could do, so no rush, no flashing lights.

I just couldn’t believe it. Even now, the emotions are starting to rise again, but for the first hour, I just couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t think of anything else, but I managed to have a small conversation with a cousin of mine who also know my deceased friend. We discussed how the tiny town (population around 100-200) we came from never has anything like this happen. We discussed how we take it for granted that everyone we know will just be there when we go back to visit. We discussed how we really need to realize that anything can happen anywhere. And that’s when it really started to sink in.

Now, being at work was not the place I should have been. But I managed to hold it all back while the students were still there. It was when they decided to leave that the tears started to fall. I didn’t full out cry just yet, but managed to keep it still mostly contained. My husband showed up early from work to pick me up. I kept it in until I let him in the door and we got back to my classroom. I couldn’t even answer him what was wrong without starting to bawl. It sunk in so deep.

I cried and cried and cried, my husband not really knowing what to do. He helped me to pack, and took me home. I continued to cry and cry and be upset and wonder why these things had to happen. I knew I’d deal with this whole situation, but I didn’t want to have to deal with it. I went through the deep of emotions of how life is unfair and how her 8-month old baby is left without a mom. I was in a deep, dark, painful place. And that’s where I was originally writing this blog.

You see, just like I knew in my head the whole time, I would learn to deal with it. Loss is a thing that unfortunately occurs in life, sometimes way too frequently. You can’t avoid it. But you can learn to deal with it. And that’s what I had to do.

I cried myself to sleep. I slept for quite awhile. When I awoke, I had a huge headache, and had the eyes of an alien. But my husband asked if he could take me to a funny movie, just to help any he could. I agreed, and in order to not rush me, we planned on going to the late movie, and he went out to the gym for a quick workout so I had time to get ready at my own pace.

Fortunately with an extra application of some good Mary Kay make-up, and a good hair tease, I was able to mostly hide those alien eyes and the fact I had cried for hours. My husband and I went out, he was very caring, and made sure I had the best time possible at the movie.

We came home, I went straight to bed, and was able to wake up this morning (still with a headache), but ready to begin again. The tears may be gone, but the pain I feel for my friend and her family is not. A life is not something that can be replaced. This sweet smile will not be seen again. But the memories we hold of her, the pictures that capture the moments of her life, and the baby that will forever be a reminder of her are left behind. I don’t know the update on her baby. He’s still alive and I’m assuming he’s stable. The extent of his injuries are something I don’t know. But what I do know is that he has an extensive, caring family that will be there to raise him and to remind him of the wonderful mom he had.

You just never know what will happen. A life that could be here one minute may not be here the next. Really, there is no time to fight, there is no time to hate, there is only time to focus on making sure the people you love know that you love them. Make sure you’ve made them a priority in your life. Love them, spend time with them, and go to bed each night knowing you’ve done your best. You honestly just never, ever know.

They May Not Always Show It, But When They Do, They Show It Big

Today was probably one of the most stressful days of my life! Today I had my provincial evaluation for being a teacher. This is the day that could either make me or break me; I could remain a teacher for all-time, or my career could have been ended quite soon.

In preparation for this evaluation, I had a lot of sorting, reflecting, writing, and overall preparing to do. I did not sleep last night. In fact, I stayed up until 4:00 a.m. (way too much caffeine) just working on paperwork and lesson preparation. Then I got ready, and was at the school by 5:20 a.m. to make sure everything would be as ready as possible for when my evaluator showed up at 7:45 a.m. My husband would tell you, I was so tired, so full of caffeine (which I NEVER do like this), and so stressed, I was shaking immensely.

Two teachers in my school had been through this process in the past 2 years (one just a couple weeks ago). They both had the easiest times with their evaluators and passed with flying colours. My evaluator? Let’s just say, my secretary meets a lot of people, and even she could tell this guy was not that easy. *Sigh… God does not call the equipped, he equips the called.

So anyways, my evaluator was supposed to stay for the day, but had decided to leave after lunch, after he had talked with the principal and talked with me. He had a few positive things to say, mainly telling me that I’ll do fine, but I’m the type of person that needs to hear that I’m doing good, not that I WILL do fine. That made me nervous.

Of course, by the time evening had come around, my principal sent me a little message saying that he was impressed by what he had seen in my room. Well, that made it a whole lot better! I needed to hear that.

Now, although I technically “passed”, my evaluation is sadly not over as he will not process my recommendation until I’ve had a “current” evaluation from the principal, which he’s requested to be completed in the next two weeks. Only then will he come back, take a copy of her evaluation as well, and then I can finally sign the papers. Close, but not quite 100% there yet.

What really amazed me today was my students. Especially my student that probably demands the most of my attention on a regular basis. The amount that he kept telling the evaluator how he couldn’t fail me not only shocked me, but also spoke to me. For the first time in my life, I heard the student, who probably gets in the most trouble, whom I have the most “talks” with, said the most amazing things. The conversation was as follows:

Student: You can’t fail her.
Evaluator: Why not?
Student: She’s a limited edition teacher.
Evaluator: Well isn’t every teacher a limited edition teacher?
Student: She has a feature.
Evaluator: Well what is that feature?
Student: She can deal with a _______. (his name was placed there)

Now needless to say, more talking occurred from this point. But to think that the one student I constantly am working with the most feels that way about me, I was almost ready to cry. The amount of love I felt from those very words coming out of his mouth astonished me. All those days of frustration, of finding time I didn’t have to try and work out something, anything with this kid to get him to work in class and to stop bothering others, came out in the right moment, the moment that I’m sure helped me to shine a little brighter.

Of course, other students in my class also told him what a great teacher I was when they were asked, but even a few of previous girls from last year continued to stop in periodically and remind me to smile and to continue to do the best I could, the exact same things I had been telling them for the past two years.

As I was welcoming my students in my classroom in the morning, the grade 5 teacher quickly pulled me aside and without even asking put his hand on me and lifted me up in prayer.

The support is incredible. Sometimes the support is overwhelming, and always in the right moments. I love the school I work at, I love the people I work with, and most of all, I love the students who in the end appreciate all the hard work I’ve put into them, even if it does come years later.

Now I’m off to bed. Finally get to have some sleep!