I wish I could accurately describe what my life has been like the past while. However, no matter how hard I try, I cannot come up with a truly accurate description. The best I can do is tell you that it feels like I’ve fallen from the top of the tree and seem to be hitting every branch on the way down. The problem is, I haven’t stopped falling and I don’t know when I will.
Have you ever felt like that? Felt like you were on top of the world for a moment and then life came crashing down around you? It is… terrible. I used to think I knew what anxiety was. I used to think I knew what depression was. I used to think I knew what “bottom of the barrel” meant. But I believe I’ve found a whole new meaning to these words. I’m unsure of everything. I’m second-guessing everything and everyone around me. I literally work up to 18 hours a day and lay in bed for the rest. I haven’t been to the gym in months. I don’t eat regularly. I feel tired all the time. I have zero motivation to do hardly anything except work. There is so much I should be doing at home and I just simply can’t even bring myself around to do that either. Until my recent Spring Break, I can’t even tell you the last time I cooked. I would not eat all day, then grab some kind of fast food supper at night and that would be it. Some days I would spend almost the whole day in bed. UGGHHH!
But, recently, thanks to a Spring Break where I was able to get away, able to just let my mind forget most of my life for awhile, I started doing some things that I used to do. I started doing brain training again. I use Elevate and Lumosity on my Samsung S8. If you’ve never done brain training, I highly recommend it. It gets your brain thinking faster and improves your memory. I’ve started strengthening my French and learning Spanish on Duolingo. I’ve signed up to watch and learn from online documentaries series that I used to love watching before. I played the piano almost everyday, as little or as much as I wanted. I pampered my face and did face masks, something I haven’t done in who knows how long. I cooked and ate well (we just won’t talk about weight gain because we all know that happens after you’ve starved yourself for awhile). I actually went for some walks! No, it wasn’t quite back to workout status, but I had to start somewhere. I began posting (almost) daily devotional thoughts on my Facebook page which I haven’t done in over a year. And perhaps most importantly, I slept! One night, I even slept for 10 hours straight which is extremely rare for me.
Either way, I want to turn this around and relate it back to the picture that’s posted because it was this picture that came to my mind while I was writing one of my devotional thoughts recently. Things happen and we don’t always understand why. Right now, quite a few of those rocks are hitting me and I can sit and look at all the people around me and wonder why it’s happening to me. But reality is this: I am getting hit. I am in some very negative situations and my life does feel like it’s falling apart to me. I feel like I do not have any solid ground to stand on. But even so, God is protecting me from worse things. God is allowing me to get hit with a few things that seem huge to me but small to Him. Could He have blocked me from getting hit with everything? Absolutely! But even so, I know that we do not become better people by living a dream life. You cannot learn lessons without having your core shaken up. Well, I suppose you can but I don’t think anyone will argue that those core-shaking lessons are often the ones that stick the best. I may feel like I’m in a dark tunnel with no way out at the moment, but God already sees the light. I have to remember that He is with me even to the end of times. I have to remember that He has already conquered it all. I have to remember that God has not left me alone but instead is with me every step. I have to remember that the moment I begin to feel enclosed by darkness and my anxiety makes me want to vomit, hide in a hole and quit life that my eyes have fallen short of the power of my God. He may allow things to happen to us, but at any moment He can also call out a miracle in your life. He may allow us to struggle sometimes, but at any moment He can turn it into a blessing. My God is bigger than those rocks. My God is saving me from things that I have no idea about. No matter what the opinion of the world is about me, my God’s opinion is the only one that matters. And for that, I cannot be more thankful. For that, I know that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. For that, I know that somehow I will make it through.
I hope that this may be of some encouragement for anyone else who may be struggling with depression, anxiety, or just feeling like life sucks. If you’ve hit your darkest caves, if you’ve hit the bottom of the bucket, if you’re staring at the biggest mountain you’ve ever had to climb or like me, feeling like you’re falling down a tree and hitting every branch on the way down, have hope. Know that God has not left you. Know that God is still working in your life. Know that there are others who are struggling with you. Know also that your mind can be your worst enemy and the devil will use whatever he can to cause you to think badly. So pick up that Bible, turn on that Christian music, and remember what God you serve. Remember who is powerful. Remember who had the power to split the Red Sea. Remember who called out the plagues in Egypt. Remember who raised Lazarus from the dead. Remember who stood and defended Mary Magdalene in front of those who were prepared and allowed to kill her according to the law. Remember who He, Himself, was dead and rose from the dead. Remember who is going to come back and stand for all of those who were persecuted amongst the earth for standing in His name. And remember most of all that we were never promised to keep our possessions or even worse, the people in our lives for eternity. Sometimes those who love you most will cause you the greatest pain. Instead, remember that Christ must be your closest companion, your closest Father, and your greatest Love. When He fills your heart entirely, you will be able to wade through those destructive waters and never drown. When you are prepared to lose everything but instead are filled with love from Him, you can walk through the Valley of Death and have no fear for as alone as you may feel while walking this physical earth, you are not alone with God by your side. There is no greater company one can have.
Feel free to leave a message below if you’re struggling. Let’s struggle together and lift each other up. Feel free to share a verse or a testimony of how you’ve seen God working in your life lately. Let’s remind each other of God’s goodness, of His promises, and of His Love. I hope, at the very least, that by sharing my story I can give you a little glimmer of encouragement today. Talk again soon!
Calm in Christ and Fitness 